Story 169: Superhero Sick

            Injustice is served; The Summons is sent; our Superheroes assemble along the skyline:

           Laser – She has super-strength, and her ultimate weapon is the lasers she issues from her hands and eyes.

         Typhoon – He also has super-strength, and can spin to generate a whirlwind of epic proportions.

          Magnet – She also has super-strength, and fights by attracting and repelling the iron within her opponents’ blood, making them defeat themselves.

           Zephyr – She also has super-strength, and she can fly and generate gale-force winds, knocking aside all in her path.

            Agua – He also has super-strength, and his ultimate weapon is the gallons of water he issues from his hands –

           Agua: Hey guys?  (The line-up turns to him; he speaks with a choking voice) I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection; would you mind if I sit this one out?  I really can't bring my A game right now, if you know what I mean.

            Laser: (Her eyes turn red) Listen Bobby, when The City issues The Summons, they expect all five of us and all five of us is what they’re going to get!

            Agua: (Coughing) Yeah, but it’s not like they pay us, right?

            Laser: Just get out there!  (She runs towards The Injustice and the others follow)

            Magnet: (To Agua) I would say she’s being harsh, but I saw her fight that one time when she had shingles, for the sole purpose of not letting any of us ever call out sick.

            Agua: (Blowing his nose) Well I’m doomed.

            (Their Opponents found, Justice is dealt out in stylized martial arts-ish choreography, lasers, winds, magnetic forces, and waters.  Agua has one Opponent by the throat just so the fight does not end too early, when the alarm on his watch goes off)

            Agua: (To Opponent) Excuse me.  (He uses his free hand to take a pill, trying to not choke as he dry swallows it)

            Opponent: (Still being held by the throat) Z-Pack?

            Agua: Yeah, how’d you know?

            Opponent: Dude, you’ve been hacking up a lung and dropping tissues all over the place.

            Agua: Ooh, sorry, didn’t mean to litter.

          Opponent: That’s all right; respiratory infections are the worst.  One time I had it I stopped taking the pills after four days – never made that mistake again.

            Agua: I’m only on day two, and this thing’s still kicking my butt.

          Opponent: I know, and it’s even worse that your superpowers are worthless against it, you know what I mean?

            Agua: Exactly!

           Laser: EXCUSE ME!  (The other two turn to her) Did someone call for a break to chitchat?!!!

            Agua: I have to take this thing at the same time every day or else it’s useless!

            Opponent: It’s OK, I’m just about to pass out from lack of air any second now.  Hope you feel better, man.

            Agua: Thanks – (Opponent passes out; Agua lays him down gently)

            Laser: (Glaring at Agua) Lucky for you.

            (The Superheroes gather in their Headquarters before The Final Showdown)

            Typhoon: I think Zephyr and I can generate enough winds between the two of us to literally blow all our opponents away, whaddya say?

            Laser: Too easy – Magnet?

          Magnet: I could control their bodies like a master puppeteer and make them all fight each other.

            Laser: No has any imagination around here.  Agua?

            Agua: (Curled up in an armchair with a blanket and a cup of tea) I could just get them all sick and then they’d be too incapacitated to do… anything.

            Laser: Impossible: you’re not contagious.  I need real ideas, people!

            Zephyr: Why don’t you just laser them?

            Laser: We can’t “just” anything!  All right, here’s the plan: we’re going to do a combination of everything we said here and hope for the best.  Except for what Agua said, that’s just rubbish.

            Agua: Good, does that mean I can stay here then?

            Laser: No!

           (At The Final Showdown, the superheroes use a combination of their powers to take down their opponents.  Agua sits to the side, weakly issuing a steam of water from one hand while burying his face in a humidifier.  They win the day)

            Laser: At last!  Victory is ours!

            Supervillain: For now!  But we’ll be back!  (Sneezes) In a few weeks.  (Exits dramatically and sickly)

            Laser: (To the team) Well all, that was some great work you did there.  I’m proud of you.  (The rest stare at her) You can disassemble now.  (Typhoon, Magnet, and Zephyr leave) Agua, I have to say that you also did good work in light of your… temporary disability.  You’re an important asset to this team; all you need is to focus on your work ethic and someday you really will be great.

            Agua: (Stands to get in her face) My doctor called: it’s not an upper respiratory infection, it’s bronchitis, and I’m still contagious.

            Laser: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

           Next Time: Injustice is served; The Summons is sent – our Superheroes are all out sick.  The Regular Heroes will have to do.

Story 168: Therapy Session: A Tribute

            (A patient sits in an armchair, across from a therapist)

          Patient: (Holding tissues and sniffling) I told myself I wasn’t going to be like this when it happened.  He lived a good life, he was old, he was sick, and it was time.

            Therapist: (Writing slowly, not looking up) Mm-hm.

            Patient: I just didn’t think the time would be now, you know?  It was always later.  Down the road.  Where it would never happen.

            Therapist: (Still not looking up) Mm-hm.  And how long did you “own” your cat Bertram, in the sense that we never truly own anything in this life?

            Patient: Um, well, he really was a member of the family –

            Therapist: Mm-hm.

            Patient: Let’s see, we adopted him in ’97, so almost 20 years then.

            Therapist: (Looks up sharply) Wow.  That was one old cat.

           Patient: Yeah, he was a bit grizzled.  Couldn’t really see or hear anymore, and his kidneys were giving up, plus he could barely walk, but he hung in there, good old Bertie!  Until he stopped eating and drinking.

            Therapist: So that was when you – did the deed.

            Patient: (Blowing nose) Uh-huh.

            Therapist: And now you miss him.

          Patient: Of course I miss him!  We’d see him all around the house every day, and now he’s gone!  He used to cuddle in our laps all the time and he had that cute little purr – before he got extremely old, that is.  Lately he just lay in his bed all day.  But at least he was there, and I like to think that he loved us the way we loved him!

            Therapist: (Writes for a bit, then looks up) Mm-hm.  Well, I can only come to one conclusion: the reasons that you mourn your cat are completely selfish.

            Patient: (Mouth drops open) Huh?

           Therapist: From what you’ve told me, all the reasons you miss him are for things that he did for you: giving you comfort, keeping you company, being all cute for you, etc., etc., etc.  What did you ever do for him?

            Patient: We – gave him a home – !

            Therapist: That already existed before you even considered adopting him: continue.

            Patient: We fed him, and gave him fresh water all the time –

            Therapist: Not horribly abusing him is breaking even: next?

          Patient: We played with him, and cuddled with him, and always let him know that he was loved!

            Therapist: All of which was to make you feel better, having an interactive toy to snuggle with in bed.

            Patient: Ugh!

            Therapist: Bottom line: you said yourself that Bertram was old, sick, and long since ready to move on.  So your desire for him to stay would hardly have been in his best interests, wouldn’t you say?

            Patient: Of course I didn’t want him to suffer anymore; I wanted him to be well again.

            Therapist: I’m sure he wanted to be well again, too, but we can’t always get what we want.  This really was the best case scenario for him at that point in his life, and the sooner you can be happy for his finally crossing the rainbow bridge, the better off you’ll be.

            Patient: (Sniffs) I guess you’re right.

           Therapist: I know I’m right – when I lost my dog Reginald this was the best advice I EVER RECEIVED.  Now pay at the front desk and get out.

            Patient: OK… thank you.  (Leaves)

           Therapist: (Opens up a wallet and looks at a photo) Oh Reggie.  You’re still watching over us with the millions of other pets who’ve crossed over the years, aren’t you?  Please think on us kindly.

Story 167: A Midwinter’s Summer Dream

            (At a café)

            Customer 1: Medium hot chocolate, please.

            Customer 2: I’d like a gingerbread latte, with extra gingerbread, if that’s possible.

          Dreamer: Yeah, could I have a strawberry vanilla sundae with a small ice tea?  Also a fudgesicle to go, please.

            Cashier: …It’s 8° outside.

            Dreamer: I fail to see your point.

            Cashier: Those items aren’t on the menu this time of year.  Due to the, um, lack of demand.

            Dreamer: OK, I’ll pass on the sundae and `sicle, but I know you have ice and I know you have tea, so I would like a combination of the two, please.

            Cashier: Oh-kay, coming right up.

            Dreamer: (Sees other customers giving weird looks and nods to them) How’s it going?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At a mountain resort)

            Manager: Excuse me, but there is no ice fishing permitted at this lake.

            Dreamer: (Wearing a bathing suit) Oh, I’m not here for that – I’m drilling the ice so I can do a few laps.

            Manager: You mean swimming?

            Dreamer: Yes.  In this body of water here.  (Slaps the now-uncovered lake surface)

            Manager: We only have ice skating on the lake this time of year.

           Dreamer: Ah, but as you can see, with a little effort, an entire secondary venue has been opened up!  Observe.  (Dives in and emerges, head only, teeth chattering) C-c-c-care to join me?

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At a closed amusement park, during a gentle snowfall)

            Security: (Speaking through a megaphone) Please come down from the roller coaster now!  It is not safe!

            Dreamer: (Seated in a car at the top of a hill) Don’t worry!  I know the power’s turned off, so I moved the cars up here and kinetic energy will take care of the rest!  Here we go, whee!  (Sets the cars going and descends to the trough, where the cars stop) Whoo!  What a rush!  OK I’m done.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

           (On a beach, a jogger all bundled up slows down when approaching Dreamer, who is stretched out on a beach chair wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and shades)

            Dreamer: (Sees Jogger) Mornin’.

            Jogger: Aren’t you cold?

          Dreamer: We’re actually the closest to the sun as we’ll be all year long, so I might as well make the most of it.

            Jogger: Okey-doke.  Happy New Year!  (Jogs off)

          Dreamer: Same to you!  (Settles back on the chair) I refuse to have my actions dictated by arbitrary dates.