Story 161: Connection Failed

            “I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is a week away.”

           “I know, right?  It still feels like I’m just getting over summer, and Halloween was a blip even though the decorations were everywhere since July.”

            “Yeah… Yep, just got the notice that most of I.T. will be unavailable on November 24.”

            “Oh, man!  They’re always unavailable for something – what is it this time?!”

            “…?”

            “Oh.  Right.  Never mind.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “Since it’s Tom’s birthday next Wednesday, I’ll mail his gift tomorrow so it should arrive a day or two before then.”

            “That’s a good idea – he told me he'll actually be out of town on a ski trip on his birthday, so you might even want to mail it now.”

            “Sure – thanks!  By the way, I have an extra ticket for that concert on Wednesday, if you know anybody who’d want to go.”

            “Hm – what about Tom?”

            “Tom?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “For the concert next Wednesday.”

            “Yeah?”
            “Wouldn’t that be a little impossible?”

            “I don’t see why – he likes that band a lot.”

            “Would he be able to see the show from the slopes?”

            “Ohhhh….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I have a meeting at 2:00, so I need to move our other meeting to right now.”

            “No can do – I have a meeting in five.  How about 4:00?”

            “Got another meeting then.”

            “Hm.  Mind skipping lunch today?”

            “Yes.”

            “OK.  I’m taking my lunch after this meeting coming up, but I should be done around 1:50.  Want to do our meeting then?”

            “I have a meeting at 2!”

            “Oh, right.  How’s tomorrow looking?”

            “Terrible.  I have meetings all day.”

            “Um-hm.  So would 3:00 be all right then?”

            “!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “That new finance manager is so nice – I think she’ll do well here.”

            “I haven’t met her yet, but I hope so.  That last guy was an absolute troll.”

            “I’ll say.  Oh look, the newsletter’s in: here’s a picture with the new hires this month.”

            “Uh-huh, I’ve met all of them, except – who’s that lady on the left?”

            “…The new finance manager.”

            “Right!  Heh, heh, heh, hoo boy.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “It’s A applies to B except when there’s C; why can’t you remember that?!”

            “Sorry, the mind’s synapses fail to fire sometimes.  I’ll try harder.”

            “Please do – we really can’t have any more mistakes.” (Leaves)

            “Getting yelled at again?”

            “Yeah, I keep messing up the C bit.  Can’t seem to make the connection when it appears.”

            “Maybe just be on the lookout for it more often – that usually works for me.”

            “What does?”

Story 160: Junior Computer Class

(Supervisor leads Trainer to a classroom, then stops before opening the door)

Supervisor: By the way, thanks again for coming in at the last minute to replace our usual trainer.

Trainer: Not at all, I love teaching these classes – they reduce the number of panicked calls to I.T. by a good 30%.

Supervisor: True, but I do have to warn you about this group: they’re a bunch of babies.

Trainer: (Chuckles as they open the door and he enters the classroom) I’m sure they’re – (Trainer sees that the classroom is populated with 4-year-olds) Oh.  (The door quickly closes behind him as he stares at his class, befuddled.  One of the toddlers starts whinging) Good morning, class.  I’m your trainer from I.T., and I’ll be… demonstrating the system to you today.  Is everyone logged on?  (He sees that they all have computers at their little desks and that all have been logged on) Perfect: let’s start with creating spreadsheets.

(Forty-five minutes later)

Trainer: Once again, please do not put the mouse into your mouth; that type of behavior is very damaging to the equipment.  Are there any questions so far?  (General shifting around in chairs and several of the children start talking to each other) I must ask that you please refrain from sidebar conversations during our session.  (Wide eyes stare at him) Thank you.  Now, does everyone know how to generate these reports on their own?  (Several hands raise in the air) Yes, that’s good, and the rest of you?  (More hands raise in the air to join the ones still there) Do you need me to show you how to do it again? (All hands raise in the air) Right – watch what I am doing up on the projector screen, OK?

(Twenty minutes later)

Trainer: Let me get this straight: not one of you has ever hand coded a Web page before?!  (A stuffed animal is bounced off his head) All right, we’ll take a five minute break.

(Thirty minutes later)

Trainer: OK class, I think we’re ready to start running through some basic uploads to an FTP server, that’ll be fun, right?  (A hand raises in the air) Now I know for a fact that you just went potty, so I’m afraid I can’t allow you to leave in the middle of the session again just yet.

(An hour and a half later)

Trainer: Aaaaaaaand… there’s your data!  Isn’t it pretty?  Now, are there any more questions that I can answer?  (Silence) You guys have been great, this was an excellent class, you have my office number so call me if you have any questions whatsoever!  (He grabs his gear and flees)

            Toddler: Oh no, I forgot to ask him how we can reformat that last report!

            (The entire class bursts into tears)

Story 159: Dropping Eaves App

            “So, I got that new Dropping Eaves App,” she said, waiting for a response.

           “Oh?” was all he could up with at first.  “Well you know what they say: eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves.”

            “I know, that’s why I got it.”

            “Oh?”

           “I want to hear the trash people talk about behind my back.  Knowledge is power: when people suddenly stop talking right as I enter the room, I want to know the exact reason why, so as to know the best way to get revenge.”

            “OK then, how does it work?”

            “It uses that really illegal technology to tap into other people’s phones across the world, so when their microphones hear your name being spoken, your phone records the conversation.”

            “Wow, that’s so invasive!  What if you have a common name, like Cathy, or Ajay?”

           “You can program it so only your so-called friends’ phones are the targets, but fascist dictators just have to sort through the rest themselves.”

            “Cool!  Try it out now, I want to see what happens.”

            “Oh, I always have it on,” she said, holding out her phone to show the activated app.  “This may take awhile, though.”

            They sat in silence for a few minutes until the phone alerted her that one of her contacts had said her name.  “We’ve got a bite!” she said, holding out the phone and pushing the speaker button.

            “I’m worried about her,” they heard, “she’s getting really paranoid lately.”

            “Yeah,” another voice said, “she’s been checking up on all of us a lot and keeps thinking that we’re plotting something behind her back.”

            “Plotting what?”

            “I don’t know, something – she wasn’t specific.  I’m afraid she might hurt herself one of these days.”

         “Or she might hurt one of us.  You think maybe she got that black market app and is eavesdropping on our conversation at this very moment?”

            “That’s a bit extreme… but yeah, that’s totally something she’d do.”

           She turned off the app.  “You know, privacy versus security is a serious issue that is not getting nearly enough of the attention that it should.”

            “I couldn’t agree more.”