Story 90: The Grid

            (An office.  An employee is working at his desk when he suddenly realizes that his co-worker has been standing behind him off to the side and staring at him.  Employee 1 sees that Employee 2 is dressed in camouflage and topped off with some tree branches)

            Employee 1: What’s this?

            Employee 2: You didn’t notice me right away – good.

            Employee 1: Are you feeling all right?

            Employee 2: I’m finally doing it, man.  I’m going off The Grid.

            Employee 1: Why in the world would you want to do that?  I like The Grid – it stores all my passwords.

            Employee 2: I did an Internet search on myself yesterday.

            Employee 1: Hoo-boy.

            Employee 2: And not only did I find entries with my name, my exact age, my town of residence, and the opportunity to find out more about myself for a fee: I then found information on people who were looking for me.

            Employee 1: What?  Are you a fugitive?

            Employee 2: Not yet, but I saw the names, exact ages, towns of residence, and –

            Employee 1: I get it.

            Employee 2: – of five people were who were looking at my profile at that very moment.  Why would they do that?

            Employee 1: Maybe they were bored.

            Employee 2: One, yes.  Two, an aberration.  Five?  They’re coming to get me.

            Employee 1: Were they all from this area?

            Employee 2: Another strange factoid: they were from all over the country.  They’re closing in!

            Employee 1: You need to calm down – did you recognize any of the names?  They might’ve been old classmates looking up everybody.  Or they could be relatives – you know, we’re all related to each other if you trace humanity all the way back to the beginning.

            Employee 2: …OK, that would be uncomfortable news for a lot of couples, but going back to your suggestions: I hadn’t thought of those, but they’re still disturbing.  Why would a bunch of people I knew in the third grade or random relatives try to find me now?  Do they want me to give them money?

            Employee 1: I don’t know, why don’t you ask them?

            Employee 2: Because then I’d have to give the site money!  Forget it, it’s just easier to sever ties with the world completely.

            Employee 1: Before you do that, make sure you send your report on to Corporate.

            Employee 2: Yeah, I was hoping they’d forgotten about that.  When’s it due?

            Employee 1: This afternoon.

            Employee 2: I didn’t even start it yet, so I do believe that now is the perfect time to drop off The Grid.

Story 89: Divine Comedy of Errors

Part 1: Infernal Road Trip

            So there I was at a crossroads in my life, pretty bummed out about how my beloved city of Florence had ruined itself with politics – I had a feeling my neighbors had it in for me next – and I was “lost in the woods”, so to speak.  And then, three “animals” – let us say they were a lion, a she-wolf, and a panther, because symbolism – came after me and I was then “trapped” against a “mountain” (use your imagination).  What to do, what to do – suddenly, he appeared!

            “Greetings, Dante – I am Virgil.”

            “The Virgil?!  The idol of poets’ idols?!  This is awesome; I wish cameras had been invented so I could take a picture for the folks at home if they let me come back!  Not to sound ungrateful, but why did you travel all the way from the afterlife to help me, currently an almost-nobody in the world of literature?”

            “Your dead girlfriend Beatrice pulled a few strings in Heaven and strongly suggested that I come and guide you.”

            “Ah, my one, my only, Beatrice!  Please don't let my wife find out that I still have a thing for her.”

            “Then maybe you shouldn’t write about her in literally everything you publish.  Right now, in order to escape these metaphorical animals, you must follow me as I take you through Hell.”

            “Wait, what?  As in, actual Hell?”

            “That's the one.  With nine circles.”

            “You do realize this whole thing is an allegory, right?  You’re not going to take me through the bona fide, abandon-all-hope Hell, are you?!”

            “This epic is not going to write itself, so less talking and more walking.”

            “But I don’t wanna goooooo!”

            Seeing as it was the Virgil, though, I really couldn't say “No” to him – after all, as a poet, I was planning to be the next him, so I had better put my florins where my mouth was.  So he led me straight into Hell, which was no picnic, let me tell you.  Virgil himself actually resided in the “best” level of it, if you could consider any part of it not so bad: just because he had been born during a time and in a place where people believed in gods different from the one ruling my world now, he has to spend eternity wistfully sighing with his fellows.  Could be worse, I suppose.

            In fact, there was worse – much, much worse, and if you want details, buy my book (I hear that  some editions cost as low as five units of your currency, plus whatever needs to be rendered unto Caesar).  I guess for my education, Virgil made me get the life story of tormented souls in each and every circle, sub-level, etc. – the areas got bigger as we descended lower, and Circles 7 and 8 had so many categories of sinner that they took forever to get through.  I don't know what sadistic mind thought up the punishments for the people down there: as if their sins in life weren't bad enough, the eternal torment with flames, and whippings, and muck, plus there was that one incident with the snakes swapping bodies with those guys – really sick – made me question my own sanity and whether there was any goodness left in the world.  I had to keep telling the employees there that I was still alive just so they wouldn't take me for one of their charges – which would be most undeserved, I must add.

            Virgil, who by then was my best bud and we even called each other “Father” and “Son” just so we had someone sane to keep track of, finally got us out of there by – no lie – climbing down Satan’s back.  Apparently, the big guy’s three heads were so preoccupied munching on history’s favorite traitors that he didn't notice our spelunking off of him to the other side of the Earth.  If he did notice, he probably was too shocked at the whole thing to do anything about it.

            I actually am kind of thankful for this days-long experience.  If I had been considering a life of sin before, I definitely was forever cured of that notion.

           

Part 2: Purgatory Is Quieter

Not much to say on this one: the journey was parallel to the one we just took in Hell, only we were going up instead of down and the inhabitants mostly were biding their time to rise through each level, and I still kept having to explain to everybody that I was a living person just passing through.  One event of note was that Virgil up and disappeared on me (I think he reached his maximum altitude and had to go back to the hole), and suddenly, there she was!  Beatrice, the epitome of my vita nuova, my tragic lost love, the purest soul that ever existed who descended from Heaven just to guide my unworthy self onward!  My wife is never going to read this, right?

Part 3: Heavens Above

I got to be the first astronaut!  I travelled through space, and planets, and stars, and the Sun, and the moon, and got to see all the holy people who are now in Heaven, and my lovely Beatrice grew lovelier and lovelier, and I just know that this self-referential epic poem will convert the world to goodness and make my name greater than that of even my mentor Virgil (no slight on him, but the son always must overthrow the father).  Small comfort while I'm in exile from Florence, but I'm certain that one day they'll forget all about it and let me come home again.  Meanwhile, I acclimate to life back on Earth as I look up to where I so recently had left the stars.

Story 88: Conference Call on the Party Line

            (In multiple offices, a teleconference takes place with a vendor and managers – they all can view the vendor’s computer screen)

            Vendor: Welcome, everyone – is everyone here?

            (Silence)

            Caller 1: I think so?

            Caller 2: Hi!

            Caller 3: Someone’s missing from the queue.

           Vendor: All righty, I’ll just start and they can catch up.  Soooooo…. how’s everybody doin’ today?

            Caller 3: This is an hour and a half demo: just cut to the chase.

            Vendor: All righty.  Can you all see my screen on your end?

            Caller 3: Yes.

            Caller 2: Yes.

            Caller 1: No.

            Caller 4: Yes.

            Vendor: Good.  I’m going to demo how to run that report you had requested the other day.

            Caller 2: I don’t have it.

            Vendor: Pardon me?

            Caller 2: No, I don’t have it, I’ll even check my inbox – (A voice is heard saying something unintelligible) You never said anything about needing it for today!

            Caller 3: Turn off your mic!

            Caller 2: Hold on a second – what?

            Caller 1: We all can hear you!

            Caller 2: Right, sorry.  (Clicks off)

            Caller 3: Sorry about that – you were saying?

            Vendor: Thank you – oh, I see the last caller has just joined us.

            Caller 1: Hi!

            (Silence)

            Caller 3: Turn on your mic!

            Caller 5: (Clicks on) Oh, there it is, hello!

            Callers 1 and 4, and Vendor: Hi!

            Caller 5: I was stuck in a meeting – how far did you get?

            Caller 3: We’re losing precious paid seconds here that we’ll never get back!  Keep it going!

            Vendor: Right.  OK, so you’d open the window here, and select “File”.  Everybody see how I did that?

            Caller 3: Not for nothing, but we all got computer basics down pat decades ago.  Just advance to the part we don’t know, please!

            Caller 1: Can I leave early?  I forgot that I have to go to H.R. soon.

            Caller 3: Do whatever you want.

            Vendor: OK, I ran the report and this is what it will look like for you.

            Caller 3: Looks good.  What does everybody think?

            Caller 5: That should work.

            Caller 1: Yeah.

            Caller 4: (Sound of a page turning)

            Caller 3: Are you reading a book?!

            Caller 4: Noooo…..?

            Caller 3: Get off the line!

            Caller 4: You told me to call in!

            Caller 3: And you’re supposed to pay attention!  You’re going to have to run this thing on your own soon, so you’re gonna have to know how to run it!

            Caller 4: But this demo’s sooooo boooooring!

            Vendor: Um, would you like me to call back later?

            Caller 3: No!  We paid for one session, and we need it done now!  Continue, please.

            Vendor: OK, so if this report has what you need, I can show you what else you can do with the program.

            Caller 1: Does this demo really need to be an hour and a half long?  Can’t you just send us a slide show and we’ll call if we have questions?

            Vendor: Uh….

            Caller 3: Our package includes this, so we’re doing it!  Why are you wasting even more time questioning it?!

            Caller 1: `Cause it’s wasting my time!  I have to go to H.R. soon!

            Caller 3: Then go already!  We don’t need you!  You’re all useless!

            Caller 5: Hey, I didn’t do anything!  I was stuck in a meeting!

            Caller 2: (Clicks on) OK, I’m back – what’d I miss?

            Caller 3: Everything!  You people have ruined the demo, and we’re never getting that money back, never!

            Vendor: Actually, that slide show suggestion was a good idea –

            Caller 3: No it wasn’t!  We are doing this demo if it kills us all!

            (Sounds of clicking)

            Vendor: Everybody else just disconnected.

            Caller 3: Finally – I can never get anything done with them around.