Story 69: Meditations During an Action Movie

            So I’m in the theater on the opening weekend of the latest sci-fi blockbuster and I’m watching the space battle, and there’s lasers firing and spaceships swooping and pilots making grunting faces as they fly and shoot their cannons and the one ship is chasing another through an exploding star, and it’s all very busy.  And about halfway through this, I start thinking:

            Wait a minute – if the heroine is from the main characters’ future, how come she doesn’t remember who wins this?

            Since the bad guys control all means of production in the galaxy, where did the good guys get all their ships `n stuff?  Did they have to steal it?  Would that make them bad?

            Is that brooding pilot going to turn traitor in the Second Act?  He has the tragic backstory for it.

            Why does the actor who plays The Regent have top billing when we’re an hour into the movie and he’s barely been on screen?  Is it because he hasn’t been in a movie for 10 years?

            If space is a vacuum, how come we can see the lasers and hear the explosions?

            If space is a vacuum, how come that guy didn’t explode when he was kicked off the ship without a pressurized suit?  It would have been disgusting, but accurate.

            Why did I get charged the evening price for my ticket when the show started at 4:00?

            Did I leave the dryer on when I left the house?

            How much time did it take to create all those effects shots?

            How much money did this sequence cost, and will the money the movie earns make up for the expense?

            Do the people working on the film get paid no matter what, even if it bombs?  If it doesn’t make a profit, does anyone have to give back the difference to the producers?

            How long do you have to be in the industry before you can ask for a share in the profits?  Is that only for the “creative talent”, or can someone like the set carpenter ask for that?

            Is time real, or is it only a human construct?

            That was when I realized that a whole lot of nothing was happening on the screen, and I felt a little sorry for everyone involved in making something so frenetic so boring.

            That CG supernova is very pretty, though.

Story 68: The Origins of "Swan Lake", Ballet

(Note: I have no idea how the ballet of Swan Lake came to be commissioned)

(An office in 1800s Russia)

Ballet Theater Company Owner: Ah, Pyotr!  Come in, my friend!

Tchaikovsky: (Enters and sits in front of the owner’s desk) Thank you.  Did you listen to the music yet?

Owner: Did I ever!  It was amazing – haunting – moving – any complimentary adjective ending in “ing”!  And the tale couldn’t be more tragic: Romeo and Juliet meets enchanted women-birds!  And I love how our prima ballerina can dance not just one but two main roles!  I tell you, the audience will be weeping so much by the end of Act I, the tears can be used to fill the lake at the end of Act II!

Tchaikovsky: Thank you very much; it means a lot to me that your company will perform it.

Owner: But of course!  I will have you meet with our choreographer later today so you can give him some notes.

Tchaikovsky: Notes?

Owner: You know, where to have the dancers go and such, so his vision will match yours.  Just give me an idea: starting from Act I, tell me briefly what you want the dancers to be doing during each movement.

Tchaikovsky: Oh, well, in the beginning, Siegfried is being knighted, and he is happy about that, so he dances.

Owner: Yes, yes.

Tchaikovsky: His family, friends, and servants join him for a bit, but there is a section where it is only him dancing while everyone can just sit and watch, I suppose.

Owner: I see.

Tchaikovsky: Some ladies can dance with him at times, just to mix it up a little, if you want.

Owner: Perhaps.

Tchaikovsky: Then, the Evil Genius leads Siegfried to The Lake.

Owner: Oh yes, the oboe and harp bit!  So chilling.

Tchaikovsky: Yes, I gave myself goosebumps while I was writing it.  That is when all the swan-women make their entrance – they probably should be flapping their arms a lot so the audience knows they also are birds.

Owner: But aren’t they ladies at that point?

Tchaikovsky: They are, but they have been swans during the day for so long that they have started to identify as them.  Their costumes should reflect this mental state.

Owner: Hmmmmm….

Tchaikovsky: Odette then makes her grand entrance and has several solo pieces – I do not mind if the show stops dead multiple times for the ballerina to take her bows at the end of each of her dances.

Owner: Thank you – it happens frequently in our productions.

Tchaikovsky: Good, because between her dancing as Odette and dancing as Odile, I think this may happen about six times throughout the show.  Siegfried joins her on a few, so factor in his bows as well.

Owner: Not necessary – no one cares about the guy.

Tchaikovsky: All right, the choreographer can figure all that out.  For Act II, Siegfried’s mamma parades ladies from different countries in front of her son so he can choose one to marry – many showcases there.

Owner: As in –

Tchaikovsky: Group dances, individual dances, pas de deux, pas de trois, the whole deal.  Everyone else on stage sits and watches again.

Owner: Hm, I don’t like paying dancers to sit.

Tchaikovsky: Maybe you can rotate the performers?  Anyway, Odile and the Evil Genius make their grand entrance, and more solos and dances with Siegfried –

Owner: And literally show-stopping bows –

Tchaikovsky: Of course, until Siegfried mutely declares that he will marry her thinking that she is Odette, then it is painfully revealed that Odette is a separate person and he really is marrying her evil doppelganger.

Owner: How?

Tchaikovsky: How… what?

Owner: How is this revealed?  They’re played by the same dancer!

Tchaikovsky: I don’t know, have one of them behind a curtain or something!  The bottom line is, black swans and white swans dance, Odette eventually returns to the stage –

Owner: Argh, another solo.

Tchaikovsky: She dances with Siegfried, the Evil Genius either kills her or she kills herself, depending on which mood you are in, Siegfried is sad and wants to join her, and curtain.

Owner: You have me wondering now why the Evil Genius went through all this in the first place.  If he wanted Siegfried to marry Odile, shouldn’t he have led Siegfried to her instead of to Odette in Act I?  The boy seems to have a thing for swans, so what difference would it have made if Odile was there first?

Tchaikovsky: They are not swans!  They are women enchanted to be swans by day!

Owner: That’s an oddly specific curse – did you ever look into the Evil Genius’s backstory for his motivation?  I’m just curious.

Tchaikovsky: That is not the point!  The point is the music!  And the dance!  And the emotion!

Owner: And the money.

Tchaikovsky: The money helps.

Story 67: The Warrior Office Worker

            I used to have a hard time with my employees getting their work done.  Oh, they tried, their hearts were in the right place, but the bureaucracy, the clients, and the daily grind just got them down.  So I hired a warrior.

            I don’t mean a mental warrior, or a spiritual warrior, or even a peaceful warrior: I mean an actual warrior, with swords and everything (I got special approval from Legal and Security).  His attitude was great: every project was an enemy to be defeated, every telephone call was a battle, and every meeting was an opportunity for an inspiring speech.  Why, just recently, he was phenomenal on a conference call with one of our more “rambunctious” clients:

            Me: Maybe we can come to some kind of compromise here…

            Client: (Voice) No!  You either give me what I want, or our contract’s null and void!

            Warrior: What you want is immaterial.  What you need is life.  Life is all there is and all that is necessary: so it was and so it shall be forevermore.

            Client: (Voice) Who is this clown?  Is he your idiot nephew?

            Warrior: I am no rustic fool, nor a sibling’s simple offspring: I am the one will be coming to your domicile to destroy you.  My sword will be engraved with your name and the hour will be midnight.

            Client: (Voice) What –

            Warrior: The negotiations are over!

            Heh-heh, after Warrior defenestrated the phone, that client called back in five minutes and we got the deal we wanted.

            Warrior also was good with the copier/fax machine/nightmare when it failed to deliver: he usually was patient, but knew just where to slam it when it acted up, which was often.

            He was best with that last budget meeting, though:

            Me: So, sales have not been doing as well as desired, and yes, that arrow is pointing drastically downward over the past two quarters, but –

            Boss: But why shouldn’t I fire you?

            Me: Uh, well –

            (A flaming arrow then pierced the presentation screen)

            Warrior: That squiggle on that glowing cloth is nothing.  All that matters is the glorious struggle and the triumph of victory.

            Boss: Since that squiggle is the agony of defeat, and you damaged company property, you’re both fired.

            Warrior defended his honor and mine by then slapping our boss’s face with a gauntlet, so now poor Warrior is in jail and I joined the ranks of the job seekers after dealing with the Fire Department.  No worries, though: I have some needed time off, and Warrior is doing just fine with his unification of the prison gangs for better exercise routines in the yards.  He really was the best employee I ever had.