Story 215: I Would Like to File for Divorce From Myself

            (In a courtroom)

            Judge: Assets to be divided 50/50, and may the two of you enjoy many years of wonderful friendship now that you no longer are bound to live with each other until death.

            Divorcee 1: Oh, we most certainly will, Your Honor!

            Divorcee 2: This is the happiest day of our lives!

            (They exit, holding hands and skipping)

            Judge: All right, next case. (Reads from a paper) Writ of divorce: the parties involved are Jane Doe and… Jane Doe?  (Two identical women approach the bench) I don’t get it, are you two… twins?

            Jane Doe 1: No, Your Honor, we are the same person.

            Judge: As in “two become one” and all that?

          Jane Doe 1: No, as in literally the same person.  (She hands Judge a packet of papers) My whole self made a special arrangement today to have our personality physically represented by the two distinct halves you see before you, because I would like to file for divorce from myself.

            Judge: (Reads papers while gnawing lip) This is highly irregular….

            Jane Doe 2: (A much messier version of Jane Doe 1) See!  Can’t be done, so you have to keep me!

            Jane Doe 1: I have to do no such thing.

            Judge: Well, I’ll start with the usual.  What are the grounds for the dissolution of this – union?

            Jane Doe 1: Oh, where to begin?!

            Jane Doe 2: Draaa-maaa!

            Jane Doe 1: (Grinds teeth at Jane Doe 2)

            Judge: Silence from the secondary party!  (To Jane Doe 1) Proceed.

           Jane Doe 1: Thank you, Your Honor.  Now, I have had to put up with plenty over the years: the undermining, the backstabbing, the nagging, the whining, the lack of ambition, the selfishness, the greed, the racism, the sexism, the ageism, the –

            Judge: Yes, we get it.

          Jane Doe 1: After decades of being trapped in this torture, I can bear it no longer.  The last straw was in getting me fired from a perfectly good job, again, just because she is a hot mess.

            Jane Doe 2: (Whips her unkempt hair around) You say that like it's a bad thing.

            Jane Doe 1: If she cannot get her act together after 30 years on this Earth, she never will – and I refuse, absolutely refuse to be dragged down with her for a moment longer.  Not one moment!

            Judge: I see.  (To Jane Doe 2) Rebuttal?

            Jane Doe 2: (Scratching herself all over) Nah, I’m good; she’s absolutely right.  Doesn’t mean she can just up and leave.

            Jane Doe 1: I can’t take you anymore!  You ruin everything and fail at life so badly!

Jane Doe 2: On the contrary: I fail at life so well.  If I was bad at failing, I’d be a success then, wouldn’t I?

Jane Doe 1: You see, Your Honor?  I’d be such a better person without her hanging around and messing me up!

          Jane Doe 2: That you would, but facts are facts and there’s no walking away from this (Gestures to her messy self).  Like it or lump it.

            Jane Doe 1: You realize that kind of attitude is what makes me want to KILL YOU!

           Judge: There’ll be no death threats against oneself in my courtroom!  Although I have to admit, Jane Doe 2, you are rather an annoying self-perpetuating burden.

            Jane Doe 2: Eh, what can you do?

            Judge: So, in this case, there is only one verdict that I can render.

            Jane Doe 1: Oh thank you so much, Your Honor!

            Judge: You spoke too soon: I am denying your writ.  You’re stuck with each other forever.

            Jane Doe 1: (Sound of jaw falling)

            Jane Doe 2: Heh-heh-heh.

            Jane Doe 1: This is a blatant miscarriage of justice!  Your Honor!

           Judge: Oh calm down – the fact is that it is beyond the realm of known science to permanently rend you two asunder when you're actually the same person.  And even if I had that power, there wouldn’t be enough left in either one of you to make a complete human being!  So no: no divorce, make this disaster work, and get out of my sight before I start realizing that you’re freaks of nature and shouldn’t even exist in this state.

            Jane Doe 1: Ooh, this isn’t fair!  I’d have been a billionaire by now if she wasn’t around!

            Jane Doe 2: Yeah, your life would be pretty sweet and perfect.  Guess that’s why I’m here.