(A parody of several
versions of Beauty and the Beast)
Once:
there was an average-looking girl who became imprisoned in the castle of THE
BEAST, after exchanging her freedom for her father’s after he wandered off and had
tried to take a rose from The Beast’s neglected garden as a present for
her. A bit harsh, but so is being
transformed for possibly eternity just for rudeness: the world is a cruel
place. That night, the average-looking
girl was invited to dinner with The Beast….
(Average
waits at the end of a long table for The Beast to arrive. The only dish placed for her features some
lukewarm soup with a bit of stale bread on the side. The dining room door bangs open and The Beast
prowls in, knocking vases off side-tables and destroying the place settings as
he slumps into the chair at the other end of the table. Average cannot take her eyes off his
three-day beard, rat’s nest hair, beer belly, stained undershirt, and sallow
skin)
The
Beast: (Stares at Average with bloodshot eyes) Well, go ahead; don’t let me
stop you. (Burps)
Average:
(Slowly eats the soup; attempts a cheery tone) It tastes good.
The
Beast: DON’T LIE TO ME! (Average
freezes) You really like it?
Average:
Yes, I detect a hint of rosemary; that’s my favorite.
The
Beast: That’s great – will you marry me?
Average:
(Drops her spoon) What?!
The
Beast: (Tears into the bread at his dish and talks with his mouth full) Don’t
make me repeat myself.
Average:
What – no – how can you – what – I don’t – when did – how – why – I – what – ?
The
Beast: Pick a question, please.
Average:
Why are you asking me to marry you? We
literally just met two hours ago and I’m your replacement prisoner!
The
Beast: I can’t tell you why. You just
have to say “yes” and everything will be all right. (Starts picking his teeth with a fork)
Average:
Well, I can tell you right now that if it means having to look at this
(Waves her hand up and down at him) every day for the rest of my life, then the
answer is a resounding “NO!”
The
Beast: Suit yourself; I’ll ask again at dinner tomorrow. (Shoves himself up from the chair to leave)
Average:
Wait! (The Beast slumps down into the
chair again, sighing) You have to tell me why, if only so we don’t have the
same conversation every night. That’ll get
annoying.
The
Beast: I suppose that’s as good a reason as any. (Clears his throat very loudly, several
times)
Average:
What are you doing?
The
Beast: Preparing to tell the story!
Impatient. (Clears his throat
some more) Once – could’ve been a year ago, could’ve been a decade, I forget –
some random old woman showed up here during some random old blizzard and asked
me for shelter.
Average:
Awwww….
The
Beast: No, not “Awww”: she was wretched, she was dripping melting snow all over
the marble floor, and to top it off, her method of payment was utterly
unacceptable!
Average:
Why, what did she give you?
The
Beast: Get this: a rose. One, single,
boring, useless rose, as if that was actually currency, when the sign on the
front gate clearly states that rooms here are 250 a night, because
money, honey, is what makes all this (He twirls his fingers around his head to
indicate the castle) work!
Average:
I see. Then what happened?
The
Beast: Then, two seconds before I was going to toss her old self out onto the
nearest snowdrift, she cursed me.
Average:
I’d curse at you, too.
The
Beast: Not at me – she put a spell on me! Turns out that she wasn’t an old coot but a
hot witch all along. Obviously, I would
have given her the best room in the place – mine, with me – if she hadn’t
arrived with false advertising.
Average:
Obviously. So what was the spell?
The
Beast: (Gives her a withering look) She turned me into a beast! I didn’t always look like this, you know –
normally, I’m quite the stud.
Average:
OK.
The
Beast: I am!
Average:
Sure, I believe you. (Coughs into her
napkin for a bit) And this was all to teach you a lesson about not being a rude
snob then, yes?
The
Beast: I guess. Probably would’ve been
easier if she’d just made me live as a dirty peasant like you for a day. (Average grinds her teeth) She didn’t have to
make me so ugh, and she didn’t have to go and curse my servants, either –
nothing ever gets done around here anymore.
Average:
(Looks from side-to-side out of the corners of her eyes) Servants?
The
Beast: Yeah, they were punished along with me.
I can take it, but they’re too weak to handle enchantments, why should
we all have to suffer?
Average:
So were they also turned into beasts?
The
Beast: (Speaks with an unsaid “Duh”) No, they were made invisible. (Starts playing with a 200-year-old bottle of
wine) Ever since then, I haven’t heard a peep out of them, they’re so ashamed.
Average:
(After a moment) Um, Monsieur – Beast?
The
Beast: It’s not Monsieur, it’s Prince!
And my name’s not “Beast,” it’s Robert Pierre du Lac du Terre! If I had any friends, they’d’ve called me
Bob.
Average:
OK, Prince – Bob. Just throwing this out
there: have you considered the possibility that, after you were cursed, your
servants… left?
The
Beast: (In a low voice) That actually would explain a lot.
Average:
All right, next question: how did this lead to you asking strangers to marry
you?
The
Beast: Ah, that’s the crux of the matter.
The hot witch said that I had to love and be loved in return for the
spell to be undone or else I’ll be a beast forever. Or is it be loved and love in return? At any rate, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone
because that might taint the “be loved” bit, but you know.
Average:
And since I was the first female who’s ever graced your doorstep after the
curse, you automatically think I must be the one to solve all your problems?!
The
Beast: Do you know how long it’s been since anyone has come here?! I would’ve made a play for your dad if he
hadn’t tried to steal from me – I cannot abide a thief, just cannot. Plus I hate roses now, for obvious reasons.
Average:
Yes, he shouldn’t have taken something without asking, but you realize that
love, actual love, doesn’t work like this, right?
The
Beast: (Leans messily over his plate) How about now? (Smiles, showing his few stained teeth)
Average:
(Trying not to gag) Sorry, your curse is going to have to stay until some other
victim – soulmate! – comes along.
(Stands) I regret that I will be unable to serve out the remainder of my
sentence, Your Highness.
The
Beast: (Stands in a panic) You’re not leaving?
Was it something I said?
Average:
Yes! It was everything you said, and
did, and emitted! (Starts to back out
towards the door) Go read up on what healthy human relationships are and maybe
you’ll have better luck next time.
The
Beast: (Starts to follow her) Next time?!
There may not be a next time, or any other time – would you doom me to
remain a beast forever?!
Average:
You seem like you’re doing all right for yourself.
The
Beast: You can’t see it, but I’m covered in unwanted body hair!
Average:
Try shaving. And taking a bath. (Runs out of the room)
The
Beast: (Slumps into Average’s chair for a moment, then starts slurping the rest
of the soup out of the dish. Shouts over
his shoulder towards the door) By the way, now you owe me 250 for the room!
Average:
(From a distance) I never stayed the night!
(Gallops away)
The
Beast: Fair enough. (Slurps some more)
Maybe I need to imprison the father of someone not-so-average next time.
(The
Enchantress appears before him)
Enchantress:
You could also learn to be a better person! The love of and for your people would work on
the curse just as well – it really is the whole point!
The
Beast: (Lays his head down on the table) Nope: that sounds too exhausting.
