Story 85: Help(ful) Desk

(I wrote this earlier today, before the breaking news, so this is not based on fact)

            (In an I.T. cubicle)

           Reinaldo: (Speaking on a headset phone) Yeah, we’ll send a tech over to you soon.  You’re about the third person who’s reported this issue, so it’s probably something with the network.  Anything else I can help you with today?  (Listens) You’re welcome, bye.  (Disconnects)  Sigh, next.  (Hits a line on his phone) I.T., this is Reinaldo.

            Caller: Hello Reinaldo, I’m wondering if you can assist me.  I've been trying for ages to get this one page to load, and the blasted thing just will not.

            Reinaldo: OK, can I remote into your terminal?

            Caller: But of course!

            Reinaldo: (Hits several keys) OK, what’s the computer number?

            Caller: Um, let me see, ah yes: 12345.

            Reinaldo: Heh, that’s funny.

            Caller: What is?

            Reinaldo: Uh, just something I heard in the back.  All right, please select “Yes” so I can take control.

            Caller: Oh, if you must.

         Reinaldo: (Navigates around the caller’s terminal) OK, looks like you have to update the browser.

           Caller: Oh, it’s always the dashed browser!  No sooner do I update it then a new version comes out!  I swear, they do it on purpose!

          Reinaldo: (As he restarts the caller’s computer) Yeah, I bet they do.  You should see your speed and other features improve now that you have the new version.  OK, try it now.

            Caller: (Taps keys) Yes, there it goes.  I’ve got the page I need now.

            Reinaldo: Good – anything else I can help you with today?  You may need to re-start the computer again once you’re done with everything so all the updates go through.

            Caller: Oh, no, that won’t do at all.  I need those updates to be blocked.

            Reinaldo: Heh-heh.

            Caller: I actually need to know – how can I block the updates?

            Reinaldo: …What?

            Caller: I’m on this page trying to block future updates so I can take down the firewall and RULE THE WORLD.  Or at least the network.  Which rules the world.

            Reinaldo: Um, are you serious?

          Caller: Deadly.  While I have you on the phone, would you mind disabling the password protection features?  They’re slowing me down frightfully.

            Reinaldo: Are you hacking us?!

            Caller: Why, yes; I thought that was blatantly obvious.

            Reinaldo: (Frantically enables I.T. versions of panic buttons) Uh, uh, why are you doing this?  You can’t hate your own company that much!

            Caller: My dear boy, I know you’re just keeping me on the phone for as long as you can, but it’s not my company – it’s not even your company, it just gives you the items you need to live.  I’m simply an outside villain, so no conspiracies to worry about.  And don’t trouble yourself with alerting your superiors right away; I finally got in, thanks to your superb assistance.  You’ll probably be fired by tomorrow, though, so my deepest sympathies.

            Reinaldo: (Whispers) You monster.

            Caller: Since you have been ever so helpful, I’ll send you a percentage of the millions of dollars I’ve just acquired.  Think of it as the five stars on your feedback survey that I always refuse to fill out.  Ta!  (Disconnects)

            (Reinaldo takes off his headset in shock.  A voice is heard through the wall of his cubicle)

            Co-Worker: You’re lucky, man – all I get are the forgotten log-in calls.