(A shot of a
cookie-cutter development)
Documentary Host: (Voiceover) There is a shadow cast over this ordinary-looking neighborhood. Whenever it snows, all tremble in fear as
they await the dreaded moment when their home is targeted by: THE SNOW
SHOVELING EXTORTIONISTS.
(A shot of two men in their 20s, swaggering down the street
carrying shovels over their shoulders)
Homeowner 1: (Sitting in a living room chair) I go to
sleep at night, it’s snowing out, a white blanket everywhere, beautiful. I wake up the next day, and the driveway has
been shoveled. And these two guys
are standing there expecting me to pay them for clearing it.
Host: (Off-screen) And had you asked them to shovel it?
Homeowner 1: No sir, I had not. It was shoveled without my knowledge or
consent.
(On a street corner)
Shoveler 1: I don’t understand; we are providing these
folks a service –
Shoveler 2: A valuable service.
Shoveler 1: And all we’re asking for is appropriate
compensation. That’s ingratitude for
you.
Shoveler 2: I mean, we are entrepreneurs; this is
the American way. You do work, you get
paid for it – that’s the definition of capitalism right there.
Shoveler 1: Sure, do people hire us to do this? No. We
used to do the “courteous” thing and go door-to-door asking people if they
needed their driveways shoveled – they clearly did –
Shoveler 2: Clearly.
Shoveler 1: And we kept getting told “No thank you”, “We’re
going to shovel it right now”, “I’ve already got a guy who does it”, and “Get
off my property!” Well, guess what? A driveway is eminent domain!
Shoveler 2: Eminent domain!
Shoveler 1: You can’t trespass on public property!
Shoveler 2: Is a driveway eminent domain?
Shoveler 1: The point is, people should be thanking us for
saving them the trouble of shoveling two feet of snow over 20 feet of
driveway. Especially this neighborhood:
there’re a lot of old people here, ambulances are always coming by for
somebody.
Shoveler 2: Every five hours.
Shoveler 1: You know, they shouldn’t be mad at us for
shoveling their driveways – they should be mad at their grandkids for not
shoveling Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop’s driveway!
Shoveler 2: Hold on, maybe they can’t get over here `cause
they’re snowed in, too.
Shoveler 1: That’s an excellent point – we should offer
our services to them as well. Whole new
market. When we’re ready to expand, of
course.
(In a kitchen)
Homeowner 2: Well, they did shovel out our driveway, it’s
not as if they’re asking for money for doing nothing.
Homeowner 3: (In the background) I’ll shovel my own
driveway!
Homeowner 2: Of course, dear. (Sips coffee while raising eyebrows)
(In front of a house at 2:00 a.m.)
Shoveler 1: On a good night, with light snow and such, we
can get about 10, 20 houses done. When
there’s ice, though, that cuts our progress at least in half.
Shoveler 2: (Shoveling in the background) I hate ice!
Shoveler 1: Gotta watch out for the plows, too, they ruin
the end of the driveways; we usually have to redo those a few times.
Host: (Off-screen) And then you go to each house when the
sun rises to collect payment?
Shoveler 1: Oh yeah, we have a formula and
everything. (Pulls out a piece of paper)
Square footage of driveway times volume of snow removed plus any reshoveling,
minus any sections covered by parked cars.
Shoveler 2: We’re honest – we don’t take credit for snow
we didn’t shovel. We will charge
extra for clearing off your cars, so that makes up for it.
Shoveler 1: Yeah, the last part is plus snow brushed off
cars then shoveled off the driveway. It’s
a good formula.
Host: Have you ever considered using a snow blower?
Shoveler 1: Nah, we’re old school. Plus it would wake up everybody.
(Lights turn on inside the house and the shovelers beat a
hasty retreat)
Host: (Facing the camera) As if these businessmen were not
enough, the neighborhood was then afflicted with their competition.
(Five 8-year-old girls carrying shovels go door-to-door)
Homeowner 4: (Opens the door to see the girls standing
there and the driveway having been barely shoveled) Aren’t you the sweetest
things! (Gives each of them money) Come
inside and have some hot chocolate!
Girls: Thank you, ma’am!
(Shovelers 1 and 2 are staring in disbelief from the
street)
Shoveler 1: That’s low, man.
Shoveler 2: You can’t come into our territory and play
dirty like that!
Shoveler 1: I’ve got an idea.
(Homeowner 5 opens the door to see Shovelers 1 and 2,
crouching to appear shorter and wearing blonde pig-tail wigs)
Shoveler 1: (Speaking in a high-pitched voice) Hi, sir, we’d
like to shovel your driveway – (Is punched in the face)
(On a street corner, Shovelers 1 and 2 are standing,
slumped; Shoveler 1 is holding a snowball against his bruised cheek)
Shoveler 1: I think we’ve gotten all we can out of this
neighborhood.
Shoveler 2: Bled dry.
Shoveler 1: I do like the prospects better across the highway: circular drives.
Shoveler 2: Ooh.
Shoveler 1: And houses at the tops and bottoms of
hills. Don’t know why you’d want your
house where all the water collects or set that far back from the street,
but the bottom line is, those driveways are long.
Shoveler 2: At least a mile.
Host: (Off-screen) And what will you do in the spring,
summer, and fall when there is no snow?
Shovelers 1 and 2: Landscaping! (They high-five each other)
Host: (Faces the camera) There you have it: a perfect
example of free enterprise played out before our eyes, with homeowners living
in fear of whom will be targeted next.
Thank you for watching, and keep an eye on your property.
