Story 49: Unlicensed Parasailing

The group’s first inkling that something was not quite right about the crew taking them parasailing was the slapdash paint job on the motorboat.  The captain and first mate then emerged from a nearby cabin: twin brothers who each had an eye patch (on opposite eyes) and quickly took everyone’s cash payment as they hustled the 10 adventurers on board.  With a sputtering roar, the captain started the jet engine and his sound system, with everyone flung backward as he howled and the stereos blasted “DEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Slow – No Wake Zone” signs and fellow boaters were ignored as the ship of doom careened out of the harbor at 100 knots; no fish, gull, or stand-up paddleboarder was safe.  The first mate shouted instructions the parasailers needed to know to survive, but nothing could be heard over the engine, the screaming music, or the screaming passengers.  The captain’s maniacal laughter every time he upset another boat also was distracting.

The first mate grabbed the two passengers closest to him, who were strangers to each other but appeared to meet the weight requirements, and shoved life jackets and harnesses on them.  As the sail was deployed, the emblem of a supernova dripping blood blossomed beautifully open.  The strangers were then attached to the sail’s harness and a gust of wind blasted them off the boat and 1,000 feet into the air.  The captain cruised around for a few minutes, using the laws of physics for human entertainment by turning the boat this way and that and then slamming to a halt so the parasailers crashed into the ocean below.  A passing dolphin gave them a nose-boost back into the air, and they were reeled in by a winch to crash land onto the flight deck.  The first mate then pulled them out of the harness while shoving the next pair of strangers in, having already efficiently prepared them while the previous group was in flight.

This system continued up until the last pair, who were released from their tether by the captain because he wanted to give them “the ultimate experience”.  As they sailed through the pre-hurricane air, one of the passengers still on the boat grabbed a knife the captain had hanging nearby and threatened the twins with it if they were not returned to the nearest land immediately.  The captain begrudgingly ran the boat aground on a local beach, where the passengers ran for their lives; two hours later, the lost parasailers glided themselves safely onto the dock where they originally had disembarked, now facing the struggles of escaping the harnesses and deciding who keeps the sail.  Alone, the captain and first mate removed their unnecessary eye patches and started repairs on the boat.  They also spent the time concocting new variations on how to the do their run: after all, doing the same thing day in, day out, gets awfully boring.