Story 45: The Real Magician

(Setting: An outdoor kids’ party in someone’s backyard.  A makeshift stage in back of the house has an overhead banner proclaiming “THE GREAT MOMZINA”.  A gathering of the party guests are seated on the ground in front of the stage and a woman wearing a top hat and cape jumps onto the center of it, waving her wand and startling the elementary audience)

Magician: Hellll-ooooooooooo everybody, and welcome to the greatest show you’ll ever see, one to ruin all shows that follow ever after for the rest of your lives!  By day, most of you know me as “Mrs. Kay-Kay,” but by weekend, I am known as “The Great Momzina”!  Prepare to be amazed.  (She whips off her top hat, waves her wand over it, and pulls out a stuffed rabbit, nodding and smiling as the few adults in the audience clap.  The remainder of the spectators slouch with their mouths open) All right, enough with the amateur stuff.  (She throws the rabbit back over her shoulder – one baby starts crying) Today, I’m going to show you some real magic.  First, who here has a phone I can (she winks exaggeratedly) borrow?  (A bunch of the kids hold up their phones) No, that’s OK, sweeties – I’ll take Mr. Firestein’s.  (She takes his proffered phone, pulling up the antenna on it) Ooh, retro.  Now, watch very closely, (She waves her wand over the phone) because the hand… is quicker… than… the eye!  (The phone disappears)

            Kids: Ooooooooooh….

            (Another baby starts crying)

            Magician: That was the easy part: the real trick lies in making the object – reappear!  (She points with the wand to a middle branch of a tree in the corner of the yard.  Startled applause as Mr. Firestein goes to climb the tree to retrieve his phone) Thank you!  You’re a wonderful audience.  Now, for my next feat of prestidigitation, I now will make something appear that had vanished some time ago.  Do you recall, Margaret, that earlier this afternoon I said I was “borrowing” Cousin Eileen for a few moments?

            Margaret: That’s right – where is Eileen?  Frank, your mom will kill us!  (Frank shrugs his shoulders)

            Magician: Never fear, for soon she shall – reappear!  (She spins to the side, flaring her cape; as she steps aside, Cousin Eileen is revealed to be standing on the stage)

            Cousin Eileen: (Blinking in the sunlight) Where was I?

            Magician: In the Land of Magic, my dear lady, from which you have now returned to the Land of the Everyday.  Off you go.

            Cousin Eileen: (Stepping off the stage into her family’s arms) Was I missing?

            Margaret: It’s all right, dear, have some cake.

            Magician: (To the applause) Thank you, but I’m just getting warmed up.  Who wants to see something really cool?  (Everyone’s hands shoot into the air) All right, then – look to the skies!  (She waves her wand and creates a rainbow over the house)

            Kids: Oooohhh…..

            Adult Guest: How in the world…?

            Magician: Aaaand… easy go.  (She waves her wand in the opposite direction, erasing the rainbow)

            Kids: Aww….

            Magician: (Bows to the cheers and whistles) And now, for my next trick –

            Voice Behind the Audience: Hold it!

            (Everyone turns to the backyard gate, where a Wizard and his entourage have gathered)

            Wizard: (Pointing his wand at the Magician) You have violated our most sacred laws and exploited our world for the crass entertainment of these lowly beings, my lady.  You’re not even getting paid for this!

            Magician: (Pointing her wand at him) I do it FOR THE CHILDREN!

            Adult Guests: (Creating a human wall between the two) Yeah, the children!

            Party Host: I didn’t hire that guy!

            Wizard: That’s all right, because show’s over, folks!  (He and the Magician battle with streams of different colored lights shooting out of their wands as everyone dives for cover and Mr. Firestein falls out of the tree.  The Magician zaps the Wizard, who transforms into a flock of doves that soars across the sky.  The entourage flees)

            Magician: And don’t reappear!

            (The adults and kids come out of hiding and applaud wildly.  The Magician beams, spreads her arms wide, and bows.  She waves to the crowd)

            Magician:  Thank you very much!  Happy Birthday, David!

            (She descends from the stage and leaves through the gate, bumping into the Wizard)

            Wizard: Remember, Mom: if you finally get your big break from this, you owe me 10% of everything you earn.

            Magician: Only if you make sure you’re not so late the next time, kid – I almost had to go around finding quarters in people’s ears if I had to wait any longer for you to show up!