Entry 760 in my video journal: At last, I have discovered the nefarious plot that they have been concocting. They’re watching us at all times, making sure we toe the line in our safe little worlds of working in our pointless jobs, "connecting" in our meaningless social networks, and buying, buying, buying as much garbage as we can. We float throughout the day in our little bubbles, bouncing from situation to situation, and they make sure those bubbles never go “pop!” Otherwise, then we’ll all know the truth that they've concealed but I’ve revealed. The reality is that we could have advanced to the next level of consciousness and been using 50% of our brains by now, if our minds hadn’t been deadened by consumption, by pettiness, by inadequacy. By them.
Fear not, loyal followers, for I have deconstructed their modus operandi. I came to my eureka moment when yet another Burger Doughnut Land opened in our town. There are already seven within a 10-block radius, so why would we possibly need anoth- then it hit me. That’s how they spy on us. Everyone goes to Burger Doughnut Land, and this latest location has now provided them with the final piece they needed to establish a surveillance grid of the entire town. They’re probably watching me right now, so I should wrap this up soon.
My theory is sound – especially since the coffee at all of those places is terrible, and how can you mess up coffee? – and I can prove it. Next time we go to one, which will be in five minutes, I will excuse myself to use the bathroom and surreptitiously sneak into the supply closet, which is where the secret doors for all evil organizations are always hidden. After unlocking that door with the mop bucket release, I will head to the computer lab that doubtlessly will be hidden in the underground lair, dispatch the ninja guards, and destroy whatever heinous machinations are in place. I will then stroll nonchalantly into the waiting arms of the reporters who will be there to capture my moment of glory. That reminds me – I have to call the newsroom before we head out. (Sounds of a car horn beeping) All right, Mom, I’m coming! This is the moment of truth, brothers and sisters. Wish me luck in my endeavors; if I don’t make it back, you know what to do. Live free or buy!