Story 105: Room for One More

            (After the Driver enters her car at the end of the workday, she buckles her seat belt, starts the engine, and turns her head to reverse out of the parking spot.  That is when she sees it: a huge spider web, attached to the left rear window and left rear seat, in the middle of which rests a huge spider)

            Spider: Hi there.

            Driver: Oh… my….

            Spider: Don’t mind me; just chillin’, waiting for the nasty bugs to come my way.  You may proceed.

            Driver: Umm, OK, but you really can’t stay here once I get home.

            Spider: Why not?

            Driver: Because, for one thing, you’re freaking me out!

            Spider: Hey, this is an arrangement that can only benefit you.  Besides, you’re the one who left the window open a crack for just any old trespasser to come on in – you should thank your lucky stars that it was me.

            Driver: That’s another thing: I’m not going to leave the window open all night long, so you’re going to wind up suffocating.

            Spider: Probably not, but thanks for your concern.

            Driver: And another thing: no bugs are going to randomly fly through the doors or the narrow crack above the window for you to trap, so you’re going to starve to death!

            Spider: You may have a point there, but let’s test that theory and find out in the morning, shall we?

            Driver: Oh all right, but don’t leave me more of a mess than you already have.

            Spider: Make no promises.

            (The next morning, the Driver enters her car)

            Driver: Morning!  Still alive?

            Spider: Oh yes, thank you for leaving the window open; that was a big help.

            (The Driver adjusts her rear view mirror and screams: a bat is hanging upside-down from the ceiling of the car)

            Bat: (Waking up) Whoa, what happened?

            Driver: What is that doing in here?!

            Spider: Oh, hope you don’t mind, since the window was open he needed a place to hang out for a while.  Get it: “hang out”?

            Bat: Groovy.

            Driver: No, no, no, I need both of you out of here now!  (She starts to get out of the car)

            Spider: Hold a minute, please just chillax –

            Driver: I will not chillax!  I can’t drive with obstructed rear views!  And aren’t you two natural enemies anyway?

            Spider: Not necessarily.

            Bat: (Half-asleep) Yeah, little dude’s pretty cool.

            Driver: I don’t care.  I’m getting the broom.  (She starts to leave again)

            Bat: (Fully awake) It’s OK, I’ll move!  (He drops to the floor)

            Spider: Yeah, I can get out of the way! (She unhooks the web and transfers it to the back of the driver’s seat) See?  Now you don’t even know we’re here.

            Driver: Except that I know you’re here.  But, I suppose you’re not doing me any harm –

            Bat: Thanks, lady, you’re all right!

            Spider: Yes, much appreciated.

            Driver: I’m blaming you guys if I get into an accident.

            Spider: Duly noted.

            (The next morning, the Driver enters her car)

            Driver: Still alive?

            Spider: (Drinking) Oh yes, we’re doing just fine, thank you.

            Bat: [Snores]

            Driver: Wonderful.  (She sees a stirring in the back seat) What… is… that?!

            Werewolf: (Sits up and yawns) Oh, hello, ma’am!  Sorry to crash in your vehicle, but these two said it was OK.

            Driver: How’d you even get in here?!

            Werewolf: Well, when I’m not a wolf, I’m a car thief.

            Driver: Get out!  (She starts to dial 911 on her cell phone)

            Werewolf: Actually, since I’m a wolf right now I won’t be stealing your car.  Or eating you, for that matter, `cause I’m full.  And no one will believe you if you tell them that you have a werewolf in the backseat of the car, so you might as well not sound crazy to the police this early in the morning.

            Driver: (Reluctantly disconnects the call) I want you all out of here in the next 30 seconds or I’m reporting you as carjackers.  (All three groan) I don’t care!

            Spider: Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, wolf man.

            Werewolf: Hey, I have one more night on the full moon, what am I gonna do?

            Driver: Whatever you’ve done up to this point!  And shouldn’t you be changed back into a man during the daytime?

            Werewolf: It’s full moon o’clock somewhere.

            Bat: What’s going on?  Are we getting evicted?

            Driver: Yes!  I want you all out of my sight!

            Spider: Well that’s easy.  (All three duck out of sight)

            Driver: Out of my car!

Spider: But I thought we were going to drive cross-country together solving crimes!

Bat: Ooh, that’d be sweet.

Werewolf: I’d agree, but I’m wanted in seven states.  Ooh, my fur probably could be my disguise though – you mind if we do this thing only four days a month?

Driver: No we cannot!  Eject yourselves!

(The Driver’s car screeches away as the other three are left behind on the driveway)

Spider: That was a bust.  Back to braving the elements.

(A toad carrying a suitcase hops up to the group)

Toad: Hi!  Word is there’s a mobile home with room for one more.

Bat: Sure is!  (To the other two) Don’t worry, we’ll wear her down eventually.

Werewolf: Awesome, I haven’t had a real project in a long time, this’ll be great!

Spider: I call dibs on the front passenger seat!

Story 104: A (Haunted) Walk in the (Haunted) Woods

            The three friends decided one day to take a walk in their town’s creepy park.  It was October, chilly, and cloudy, with a hint of werewolf and bat activity.  Partway into the walk, a twig snapped.

            “What was that?!”  Friend 1 froze and looked everywhere around her.

            “It sounded like a leaf fell,” Friend 2 said.

            “Are you sure?  It’s not someone following us?  Or some thing?”

            “Pretty sure: I saw the leaf as it fell off the branch.”

            “I don’t know, guys,” Friend 3 spoke up.  “I’ve heard this trail is haunted.”

            “Haunted?!  Oh no!”  Friend 1 began to run until Friend 2 grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her back to the group.

            “There’s no such thing as ghosts,” Friend 2 said, becoming antsy at the time they were losing on their five-mile walk.

            “Yes there are,” Friend 3 said with the wide eyes of conviction.  “My cousin saw one once.  Plus, it’s almost Halloween: ghosts are everywhere this time of year!”

            “Why?”  Friend 2 asked.  “What does it matter what time of year it is, and why would anyone be hanging around random areas just waiting for people to show up?”

            “For the first one,” Friend 3 said, “it’s because we’re coming up on the Celtic year-end holiday honoring the dead, and for the second one, it’s because they’re compelled to.”

            “Yeah, that sounds about right,” Friend 1 agreed.

            “Compelled to do what?”  Friend 2 asked.

            “…Stuff?”  Friend 3 suggested.

            “Guys,” Friend 2 said – they needed to get back on track here – “I will allow for the possibility of energy sticking around certain areas, `cause that’s what energy does.  But it’s only an echo!  You’re hearing, seeing, and being scared by an echo!  It doesn’t mean anything, it can’t do anything, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

            “But my cousin,” Friend 3 put out there.

            “Whatever your cousin saw, it was in her –”

            “His.”

            “His head!  His own mind created it, and that’s the only place where it has any significance!”

            “He said it pushed him downstairs.”

            “I hate to be the one to say this, but your cousin may be a bit of a klutz.”

            “What about all those lights people see, and noises people hear, and conversations people have with the spirit world?”  Friend 1 asked.  “They’re all on camera!”

            “Mass hysteria and tech glitches!”  Friend 2 had had enough of this drivel.  “There are no ghosts, there never were any ghosts, and even if there were, we’d have more to worry about from those guys over there than any non-physical beings, ever!”  The three friends and the guys illegally camping in the woods waved in greeting at each other.  “Can we go now?  It’ll be tomorrow by the time we finish at the rate we’re going!”

            Friend 1 and Friend 3 grumbled as they went along with Friend 2; they walked the rest of the trail nervously peering into the shadows around them as the sun set and the sky darkened behind them.

            The ones watching over them continued their vigil.

Story 103: Vacancy Needed

(Setting: The Human Brain.  Long-Term Memory Storage has rows of VHS-like containers, and a pleasant employee works at the counter)

LTMS Employee: (Speaking to Nostalgia) Now you keep enjoying those family vacations again and again, you hear?

Nostalgia: (Rubs away tears while leaving) I always do.

LTMS Employee: Lovely.  Next!

Consciousness: (Approaches the counter while biting nails): Yeah, we have a bit of an issue.

LTMS Employee: Oh?

Consciousness: Yeah, you see, we need to cram for an exam that’s really important for work, and Short-Term Memory Storage right now is almost maxed out.  Plus, putting the material there won’t do us any good in the long run, `cause we’ll need to keep using that in our job for who knows how long.  Bottom line is, I’m gonna need to take some space from Long-Term. 

LTMS Employee: Aren’t we a wee bit old to be cramming for exams?

Consciousness: You’d think so, but it’s part of the job to pass this thing, and I can’t seem to retain any of this stuff in Short-Term.  I put it in there one day, and it’s gone the next, so that’s telling me it needs to be permanent.

LTMS Employee: I’m sorry, but I can’t just “take” memories out of Long-Term.  They’re here for keeps, barring trauma.

Consciousness: Come on, there’s gotta be something in there that can be tossed!  You think we always want to remember being humiliated at the 4^th-grade sock hop?  Pitch it!

LTMS Employee: (Stony-faced) Let me get the manager.  (Leaves)

(Consciousness fidgets while waiting and spots Artistic Ability (Dream); she shakes her head sadly at Consciousness, who turns away in guilt.  Long-Term Memory Storage Manager arrives at the counter)

LTMS Manager: You seem to have a dilemma.

Consciousness: Yes, I –

LTMS Manager: I heard all about it.  Let me show you something.  (LTMS Manager guides Consciousness over to the main part of the cerebrum and points at various parts of The Brain) You see all that?

Consciousness: What is it?  Mental dirt?

LTMS Manager: It’s plaque.  And it’s only going to get worse as we age.  That, my friend, is what will overrun us all in the end.

Consciousness: So, in what, 60 years?

LTMS Manager: Try 30.  And that’s if we’re lucky.  Welcome to the wonderful world of The Body outlasting the thing that runs it.

Consciousness: But that’s not fair!  I don’t have any control over what’s here without our permission!

LTMS Manager: It is what it is.  The point is, when the plaque inevitably starts taking over, we’re going to need as much of these (Points to the VHS containers in Long-Term Memory Storage) as we can hold onto, because they’ll be about the only things left.  Take any of them out, and the plaque’ll move right on in.  Nature abhors a vacuum.

Consciousness: Yeah, but I won’t be leaving the space empty; I’ll be filling it in with Short-Term stuff.  And don’t worry, they’ll turn into Long-Term `cause I’m supposed to keep using it, although really, who knows?

LTMS Manager: That simply won’t do.  Long-Term Memories are like trees, planted ages ago, whose roots are so strong that almost nothing can move them.  Short-Term Memories, however, have shallow, spindly little tendrils and often dissolve from lack of use as soon as you stop looking at them.  I will not replace permanence with the ephemeral.

Consciousness: You don’t understand: we need to pass this test, and I won’t remember any of the material unless I make these Short-Term Memories Long-Term!

LTMS Manager: Listen to yourself – a permanent change such as this is not to be made flippantly.  I don’t see why you’re putting yourself through all this stress anyway.  You were much happier when you wanted to be an artist instead.

Artistic Ability (Dream): And to think, you could have been a renowned graphic novel illustrator by now.

Consciousness: (Points at Artistic Ability (Dream)) You shut up!  I already killed you once; don’t make me kill you again!

LTMS Manager: You appear to be losing self-control and cannot be trusted to make rational decisions.  Good day.

Consciousness: (Tries to calm down while grabbing LTMS Manager’s shirt by the collar) Look, you don’t understand how much this affects all of us.  Forget 30 years down the road – if I don’t pass this exam, we’re gonna be fired, no one else will hire us, and we’ll all starve to death.  So, in everyone’s best interest here, I NEED THAT SPACE!

LTMS Manager: (Ponders this) When you put it that way, there are some memories that we probably can get by without –

Consciousness: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!

LTMS Manager: However – I will be the one to go through them and I will make the final decision on which and how many can go.

Consciousness: Understood.

LTMS Manager: (Goes behind the counter and starts sorting through the containers) Be warned: once these are gone, we will never see them again, and we may very well remember whatever algorithms and regulations you’re replacing these with for the rest of our life.

Consciousness: I don’t care – all that matters is now!

LTMS Manager: Mind if I hold you to that?

HYPOTHETICAL 30 YEARS LATER

(Long-Term Memory Storage has much less inventory and only LTMS Manager is working there.  Consciousness appears at the counter)

Consciousness: Hi, me again.

LTMS Manager: Yes, I was waiting for you to come back.

Consciousness: Got that one with my cousin’s 8^th birthday party?  That was some good times.

LTMS Manager: Let me check.  (Glances over shoulder) Nope, that was one you trashed in favor of quadratic equations, which you subsequently turned out to barely use, so they vanished into the ether and were replaced.  By.  Plaque.

Consciousness: Why, just because I became a lazy slob and stopped engaging my mental faculties?  Is that why everything I put in Long-Term Memory Storage is disappearing?  Why oh why did I make such a foolish and impulsive decision all those years ago?  If only I had known that I would spend what’s left of our remaining years searching for memories that are no longer there!  If only I could speak to my younger self and warn her away from our fate!

BACK TO PRESENT

Consciousness: That is not how dementia happens!

LTMS Manager: True, but my argument is still valid: don’t throw away valuable memories for exam cram.

Consciousness: So I’ll just fail and we’ll all go down with the ship together, is that it?

LTMS Manager: Naw, just make the new Short-Term Memories last a little longer than usual.  You can keep them in Long-Short-Term Memory Storage.  They last just long enough until you don’t need them anymore.

Consciousness: That may actually work.  Why didn’t you just suggest that from the beginning?

LTMS Manager: You needed to learn gratitude, if nothing else.