Story 194: Household Appliances All Talk to Each Other

            Friend 1 called Friend 2: “So, want to come over tomorrow?  We can catch up on the last season of Sword Slash and make our predictions for the next hundred episodes before it comes back on Sunday.”

            “I’d love to, but I have to wait for the plumber tomorrow – I’ve got toilet trouble.”

            “Uh-oh, has it been naughty?”

            “Very, and I can’t sacrifice any more gallons of water to its greed.”

            “Need to use mine in the meantime?  It’s usually not occupied.”

            “Thanks, but between work and supermarkets I’ve got a system that should tide me over until it’s fixed.”

            “Suit yourself.  Maybe I’ll come over and wait for the plumber with you – it sounds fun.”

            “It isn’t.  I’m just afraid the call will go out to the rest of them and I’ll be doomed.”

            “The rest of who, plumbers?”

           “No, the rest of the appliances in the apartment.  Once one goes, they all decide to break down; you know they all talk to each other.”

          “Heh-heh, they sure do.  When I was a kid, one summer the sprinkler system and pool simultaneously sprung unknown leaks so bad, my parents had to request rations of water from the reservoir for five years.  I blamed my bad childhood on that, but I didn’t really mean it.”

            “…Yeah, OK, bye.”

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 1 arrived at Friend 2’s apartment bearing chips for the wait and tissues for the tears.  She knocked on the door, but it slid open after the first rap.  There was a lot of noise coming from the living room; as she made her way there, she tripped over a cord.

            “Easy there, toots,” a tinny voice addressed her.

          “Hm?”  She looked down and could only see a radio lying on its side on the floor, so she picked it up and set it on the kitchen counter.

            “Thanks,” she heard the same voice say.  Must be a random appropriately answering station.

           In the living room, Friend 1 saw Friend 2 surrounded by all appliances great and small.  Friend 1 was afraid that she was having a stroke: the appliances appeared to be mobbing Friend 2, who was writing notes on a clipboard and slowly rotating in a circle as she spoke.

            “Now, Microwave, your settings are tied into your timer, so if that isn’t working then you’re really just no good to me.”

            Microwave had a few choice words: “Fine!  Wait forever for your dinner plate to heat up on the plain old stove!”

            “I hardly ever use you now as it is, so that means nothing to me.”

            “Hmf!”

            “Now – Internet Modem!”

            “Yes, ma’am!”

            “What is going on with the network lately?  I keep having to unplug you.”

            “Hate to be the bearer of bad news, chum, but the time may have come for a factory reset.”

            “Ewwwww!  All right, I’ll settle that with a paper clip later.”

           “You might want to unplug me from the wall one more time before you do that, if you know what I mean.”

           “Excuse us!”  Water Heater and Furnace were approaching from the hallway, with their various pipes entwined; Water Heater was the spokesmachine: “As you know, we’ve both been running steadily and under extreme conditions for 18 years and cannot bear to be apart; with your permission, we would like to go ahead and permanently break down together now.”

            Friend 2’s face narrowed: “While I appreciate the romance behind that sentiment, your manufacturers clearly indicated a life expectancy of 20 years, so 20 years I will get and NOT A SECOND LESS!”

            As the two trundled dejectedly back to their extended service in the utility closet, Friend 1 finally found her voice: “What all this?”  Her supplies had long since been dropped on the floor and forgotten.

            “What’s it look like?”  Friend 2 snarked over the din of noisy machinery.  “It seems that I have a mutiny on my hands.”

            “What about the toilet, it was only just the toilet, what happened to the toilet???”

            “We’ve reached an understanding.”

            “Ahem!”

            “Yes, Fridge – ”

            “It’s Refrigerator, if you don’t mind.”

            “Yes, Refrigerator, I know the freezer is completely iced over and the main section is a desert – I’m still sore about those lost leftovers – but the company said they’d send over someone any day now.”

            “And you believed them, did you?  If they’re not here by tomorrow, say good-bye to your ice cream.”

            “Is that a threat?!”

            “It’s a promise: simply nothing will survive the Ice Age that’s going on right now.”

           “Fine, fine, I’ll beg them to come tomorrow.  You do realize that if they don’t, though, then you’ll be replaced?”

            “I withdraw my complaint.”

            “Should I leave?”  Friend 1 was back at the door with one foot outside.

            “You don’t have to, unless you want to pick me up a new TV; this one’s absolute rot.”

            “Hey!”

            “Next time don’t show me snow when I want to see anything but.”

            Friend 1 tried again: “You seem to have things under control here, so I’m going to, you know, head out.”

           “All right, go ahead, I’ll talk to you later.”  A massive THUNK sounded from the utility closet.  “Who was that?!  Washing Machine or Dryer?!”

            Silence for a few seconds, then: “Both.”

          “That tears it!”  Friend 2 slammed her clipboard on the floor; the surrounding appliances scurried back a bit.  “I’m tired of having my life run by all of you!”

            “Guess it’s a trade-off for the convenience,” Friend 1 said on the way out the door.  “Imagine if they really knew their power over our lives; we could have a real dystopia of our very own!”

            “Don’t give them any ideas!”

Story 193: Reverse Puberty

            (Associate escorts Client into the office and they sit at opposite sides of a desk)

            Associate: So, as I mentioned on the phone, we were most taken with your application essay.

            Client: Thank you; I put a lot of thought into it.

           Associate: Yes, well, as you know, this is a life-changing process that cannot be entered into lightly, so we very carefully select only those who demonstrate both a great need and a complete understanding of what this involves.

            Client: I agree entirely.

            Associate: And that’s where we come to the interview portion of this program; it shouldn’t take too long.

            Client: That’s all right, I’ve got nowhere to go.

            Associate: Hm.  (Looks at a printed list of questions) Your essay covered a lot of these, so I’ll skip ahead a bit… ah, here: You received the manual detailing the medical process of reversing your puberty, which basically means that your hypothalamus will be tinkered with and the appropriate glands and organs will be removed or revert to their pre-adolescent state.  We have perfected the technique so you will not develop the unwanted symptoms that come with Kallmann Syndrome and the like, and you will retain your current height and muscle mass; however, in certain respects, you basically will have the body of a child.  Are you completely prepared to accept all the possible consequences, real or imagined, that will result from this traumatic procedure?

            Client: I most certainly am.  At this point in my life I don’t intend on having any children of my own, and none of this (Gestures across her body) is doing me any good, know what I mean?

            Associate: (Writes notes) Please don’t make me answer that.  Now, another side effect of the process will be to considerably lower your levels of aggression due to the complete lack of both estrogen and testosterone in your body.  Are you currently in a home, work, and/or social situation where that would be a problem?

            Client: Quite the opposite, actually: I’ve been told that I have “anger issues,” so this should be a relief to us all.

            Associate: Hm.  (Writes more notes) Standard confirmation: Did you sign the attestation that undergoing this procedure will not, in fact, return you to your own childhood where all was bliss and nothing bad ever happened?

            Client: Yes; don’t worry, I know this isn’t a time machine.

            (They both laugh, then abruptly cease and stare at their hands)

          Associate: Um, let’s see.  Do you understand that fundamentally changing your body chemistry also does not release you from any debts or contractual obligations that you currently possess?

            Client: Sadly yes.  They’ll be a bit confused the next time they see me, but they’ll still want my money.  I actually have a question.

            Associate: Oh?  Yes?

           Client: It’s a little embarrassing, but will this also get rid of, you know… (Waves her hand at her face)

            Associate: Your… nose?

            Client: No!  You know – unwanted body hair.

           Associate: Oh, good heavens, yes.  At least it should; you might want to avoid ingesting certain types of milk and meat to make sure.

            Client: Oh.

          Associate: You also didn’t mention if acne was a problem, but that too should go by the wayside.

          Client: Yes!  I try not to think about it anymore; you probably don’t have to worry about anything like that, but it’s so irritating that I still have to deal with it at my age.

           Associate: I have an inkling.  (Scratches her back)  Right, we’ve come to the last question: Once you have completed the reversal, do you intend to spend the rest of your days convincing your family, friends, and/or total strangers to undergo the same process?

            Client: Heck no!  Let them figure it out for themselves if they want.

            Associate: (Writes more notes) Perfect.  (They both stand and shake hands) Well, that’s all for now.  I have to submit these for review, but judging by your answers I can say with confidence that you should be reverted to pre-pubescence in a very short time indeed; congratulations.

            Client: Thank you so much!  It’ll be such a relief – you have no idea how puberty ruined my life.

            Associate: I think most people would agree.

Story 192: Documentary of Humanity

            (A view of Earth, as seen from outer space)

          Documentarian: (V.O.) The planet: as yet unnamed.  Location: third celestial body from the central star in this system.  The dominant species: bipedal, hairy, fleshy beings ill-suited for survival in their own natural environs, yet extremely adaptive, to the point where they have nearly destroyed their own world as they force it to cater to their whims.  In the most prominently visible language, they call themselves “humans”; and they are the subjects of tonight’s episode:

(Title card) Out in the Star Field: The Ways of the Natives

            (Montage of everyday life around the globe)

           Documentarian: (V.O.) Seven major land masses.  Seven major bodies of water.  More than nine billion of these creatures and counting.  The real question lies in how this planet has not imploded from the sheer weight pressing on its crust by now.

            (View of a traffic jam on a freeway)

            Documentarian: (V.O.) Their migratory patterns are baffling: large numbers of the herds travel immense distances within one solar day, simply to return to their point of origin with no real signs of food, possessions, and/or offspring having been obtained in the process.

            (View of a busy playground)

          Documentarian: (V.O.) Speaking of offspring, their young appear to have over-developed skulls to encase their over-developed brains, yet the majority of this segment of the population encounter great difficulty in simple tasks such as following straightforward directions or differential equations.  (View of one child repeatedly tossing a ball against a wall) Most peculiar use of advanced cognitive functions.

            (View of an office building)

       Documentarian: After vast study of these beings, we have developed a rudimentary understanding of the aforementioned most prominently visible language.  We also developed extremely crude methods of infiltration into their various herds: they do not bear up under close scrutiny, but tests have proven them to be at least temporarily passable.

          (View of Documentarian wearing a human-face mask, a hazmat suit, and a large VISITOR badge, navigating through a maze of cubicles; the recorder following is unnoticed by the subjects)

            Documentarian: (Speaking quietly) I have penetrated deep into the wilds of a branch of this species, whose members mainly call themselves “employees.”  Each is positioned at an outlying terminal to receive and enter data for the central hive mind; we believe this ultimate authority is called “I.T.,” but there could have been a mistranslation of its importance in the social hierarchy.  (The Documentarian stops at one cubicle) I will now attempt to initiate contact with one of these beings.  Observe how one must execute extremely complex auditory and visual behaviors to successfully convey one’s intentions.  (To employee) Ahem.  Ex – cuse meeeee…?

            Employee: Oh, hello.  Can I help you?

           Documentarian: Yes.  Could you – explain.  To me – what, is it, you are doing?  Here.  Yes.  Could you?  (V.O.) We have observed on multiple occasions that these beings respond favorably to repetition.

            Employee: Um, well, as you can guess, it’s not exactly rocket science here, heh-heh.

         Documentarian: (V.O.) These creatures often make that sound that is not what they call “words” – usually if they are amused, but also if they are angry, triumphant, or extremely nervous.  It is unclear as to which meaning this subject is attributing to the sound, so in order to blend in, I imitate.  (To Employee) Heh-heh.  (V.O.) The subject accepts the sound and continues with communication.

         Employee: Yeah, what it boils down to is that I take data from one place and move it to another.  I also take pieces of paper from one place and move them to another.

         Documentarian: (V.O.) The subject appears slightly agitated; I mentally review my list of appropriate questions for this environment and select the one least likely to elicit an aggressive response.  (To Employee) Do you find your work fulfilling?

            Employee: No!  (She lays her head down on the desk and cries)

           Documentarian: (V.O.) Having depressed the subject, I decide to terminate contact and allow the being to return to its natural state.  (Documentarian walks away from the still-sobbing Employee)

            (View of a break room)

        Documentarian: (Still wearing the camouflage, now addressing the recorder; the other employees in the room do not notice) Aside from the occasional fact-finding mission, we have a strict policy of non-interference with any species we observe: we must allow their lives to progress as if we had never been there.  It becomes difficult when observing subjects in peril, however; for example, this alpha over here is harassing this beta for food, territory, and possible procreation.  At times such as this, one wishes one could simply transport the alpha off-world to leave the beta and the rest of the herd in peace, but that cannot be.  (The beta suddenly dumps the contents of the water cooler over the alpha’s head; the remaining employees form a circle around the two as they fight) Ooh, did not see that coming; this just got rather exciting.  Again, one cannot interfere, but that does not mean one cannot take sides.  (Documentarian joins the circle and chants “Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!” with the others)

            (View of the Documentarian, sans camouflage, hovering in the middle of a savanna)

          Documentarian: (V.O.) There are so many variations within this species that they simply cannot all be covered in one episode, which is why this is the first of a 10,000-part series.  Next installment will find us exploring the dangerous mountains and valleys of commerce, collectively referred to as a “mall,” wherein many beings enter and leave without having accomplished much that is observable, aside from being encumbered with burdensome materials.  Once our overview of this species concludes, please stay with us for our 1,000,000-part series on all the other species of this planet – in this scientist’s opinion, by far the more interesting segment of this particular program.