Announcer:
Are you tired of the singles scene? Are
you tired of the committed relationships scene?
Do you yearn for the kind of romance that seems to exist only on film
and is over before the end credits roll?
Well, you’re going to have to keep on yearning because we already
selected our final contestants. In the
meantime, continue with your voyeuristic and vicarious viewing with our new
show:
[Title appears: Looking
For Love – In A Movie]
(Montage
of adults ages 21-34 being interviewed)
Announcer
(Voiceover): We searched high and low for the perfect couple who would most
appreciate the opportunity to experience thrilling adventure, meaningful life
lessons, and steamy one-shot hookups in an average tropical paradise. Failing that, we settled for the two hottest
straight people with similar opinions we could find.
(Shot
of a woman facing the camera: the caption at the bottom of the screen reads “Sofia,
Age 28, Paralegal/Amateur Thrill-Seeker”)
Sofia:
What I’m looking for in a movie-style romance is a guy who’s impossibly
handsome yet improbably kind, but not a pushover, know-what-I-mean? Good to his family, and has friends who aren’t,
you know, boors.
Announcer
(V.O.): Bores?
Sofia:
Boooors. You know: animals.
Announcer
(V.O.): I see.
(Shot
of a man facing the camera: the caption at the bottom of the screen reads “Dafydd,
Age 28, Construction Worker/Amateur Thrill-Seeker”)
Dafydd:
What I’m looking for in a movie-style romance is a girl who lets me be who I
need to be. I want adventure, lots and
lots of adventure, so when that’s happening she can’t be all clingy; on the
flip side, she also can’t be more competent than I am. None of this “I need her to save my life
figuratively AND literally” nonsense: the only lives she should be saving are
those of an extremely close friend or a first-degree relative. Also, please, I don’t want anyone who’s
a screamer; no whiners, constant complainers, criers –
Sofia:
He should be strong, but not so strong that I’m afraid for my life when we’re
hugging. And he should be sensitive to
the point that he respects other people’s feelings and he can cry, but not to where
he’s bawling over anyone who isn’t his best friend or a parent. Yeah, I’d like a few tears.
Dafydd:
– hags, nags, shrills, shrews –
Sofia:
Absolutely ready to sacrifice his life for me or, you know, a worthy cause:
nobility is such a turn-on.
Dafydd:
– Mummy issues, Daddy issues, social anxiety issues, body image issues – listen
ladies, I can’t speak for my fellow hetero men, but I can assure you that
whatever flaws you say you have mean nothing once the clothes come
off. Neanderthal, perhaps, yet
ironically progressive.
Sofia:
I think I mentioned this already: he has to be drop-dead gorgeous. If he knows he is, though, that’s a
deal-breaker.
Dafydd:
Bottom line: no b----es. Can I say “b----”
on this?
Announcer
(V.O.): No.
Dafydd:
Oh. (Smiles with an “aha” moment) No witches. Seriously, I mean it: no actual practicing witches.
Announcer
(V.O.): Why not?
Dafydd:
They have more power than I do.
Sofia:
Basically, he can’t be a d---. Can I say
“d---” on this?
Announcer
(V.O.): No.
Sofia:
Hm. How about “jerk?”
Announcer
(V.O.): Sure.
Sofia:
(Mulls this over) Doesn’t have the same effect.
(Cut
to an average tropical paradise)
Announcer:
(Standing in front of the ocean) Without formal introductions, we delivered our
movie romance couple onto this beach to set the mood. (Camera pans over to a plane engulfed in
flames – the flight crew members battle the fires as our heroes run away from
the wreckage. Dafydd eventually carries
Sofia into the jungle and drops her off by a stream)
Sofia:
I was all right, but thanks anyway!
Dafydd:
Can’t talk – must go save the others!
(He starts to run back to the plane, but he sees that the fires have
been extinguished and everyone is taking a lunch break) Oh.
(He turns back to Sofia) It’s too late for the rest of them – I can’t
face it again – it brings back such horrible memories of all those coal mine
fires in my hometown in Wales.
Sofia:
Oh my. Are you a coal miner?
Dafydd:
Would you like me to be?
Sofia:
I’m just asking if you are or not.
Dafydd:
Don’t get all judgemental on me! You’re
such a princess; I bet you’ve never done real work a day in your life!
Sofia:
Wait, are we doing the “Hate/Lust at First Sight” angle? I thought we were doing the “Bonding Over
Shared Peril” one.
Dafydd:
Those are just two sides of the same coin to me.
(Announcer
jogs onto the scene)
Announcer:
Right, sorry Sofia, we gave you the wrong set of notes: you’re doing the “Hate/Lust
at First Sight” storyline; it seemed to fit your personalities better and audiences
supposedly love it.
Sofia:
Oh, OK, just so we’re all on the same page.
Announcer:
Great! (She gives them two thumbs-up and
jogs off-screen)
Sofia:
All right then. (She turns back to Dafydd)
Listen punk, I don’t care how much trauma you claim you’ve suffered or how hot
you are: no one speaks to me like that, no one!
I’ve faced legal briefs more intimidating than you!
Dafydd:
Ugh, you’re a lawyer?
Sofia:
Heck no, I’m a paralegal.
Dafydd:
Potato, potahto.
Sofia:
You still never answered my question: are you a coal miner?
Dafydd:
No! I’m a construction worker.
Sofia:
Oh.
Dafydd:
Knew it! Such a princess!
Sofia:
That was a non-committal “Oh!” You’re
such a meathead!
Dafydd:
Am not! I work hard to take care of my family
and I bury my feelings every day so they won’t overwhelm me! You’re a parasitic snob!
Sofia:
Am not! I help represent the poorest of
the poor and I can’t sleep at night with all the injustice in the world!
(They
pause, gasping for breath)
Dafydd:
Wanna make out?
Sofia:
Yep. (They make out)
(Cut
to Announcer holding a cocktail while strolling along the beach in the moonlight)
Announcer:
Well, things certainly have progressed rapidly.
We had a whole obstacle course for one of them to save the other from
molten lava and venomous snakes, all while fighting their conflicted
feelings – and each other – but now that all seems rather pointless. (The camera pans over to the couple snuggling
in beach chairs by the water) Excuse me!
(They turn to her) So how’s everything?
Dafydd:
Couldn’t be better.
Sofia:
I’ve never been happier in my entire life.
Announcer:
We have another week and a half booked here, so I’d like to go over the
itinerary with you –
Sofia:
Sure thing, but just to clarify, he and I never have to see each other ever
again after the show’s over, right?
Announcer:
Well no, that’s sort of the whole point, unless you want to –
Dafydd
and Sofia: No-no-no-no-
Dafydd:
This is perfect: exciting romance with none of the dangers involved in a
one-night stand or the years of mutual resentment in every other long-term
relationship on this planet.
Sofia:
It’s a dream come true! And I’ll
treasure it always because it’ll be over forever really soon!
Announcer:
(To camera) I think this worked out a little too well. (Checks alert on phone) Oh, look at that: a
class-action lawsuit has just been filed against the network by every business
involved in the dating and wedding industries.
(Back to the camera) Thank you for joining us in our first and only
season. Until my next show, keep
watching movies and living in a dream world: it’s the only way to endure.
