She browsed the
DVDs on the display: Advanced Yoga, Intermediate Yoga, Beginner’s
Yoga – yes, she reached for that one, then saw – Extreme Beginner’s Yoga
– ooh, even better; hang on – Extreme
Extreme Beginner’s Yoga? Perfect.
She picked up
that title to read the cover out loud: “Extreme Extreme Beginner’s Yoga…
With Chris Basilingworth?” She
saw the star of Sword Slash staring intensely back at her. “This can’t be right – since when did he
become a yoga instructor?” She would
know: she had read his obviously ghostwritten memoir three times, and not a
word resembling yoga was anywhere inside it.
She then saw, in tiny print at the bottom of the DVD cover: “Instructor:
Maggie O’Dwight.” Ohhh....
At home, she
played the DVD after changing into yoga pants and assembling her yoga mat, yoga
block, yoga strap, yoga towel, and yoga water.
Distractions were pushed aside and she was all set to have her mind and
body made one.
A serene-looking
woman, standing on a mat with her back to a nameless ocean, greeted her on the
screen.
“Hello, and
welcome to Extreme Extreme Beginner’s Yoga. You are taking your first steps in your
journey to attuning your mind and your body with the rest of the universe as
you receive the peaceful wonder of life all around you, and become fabulously
toned in the process.” Her calm demeanor
wavered infinitesimally as she moved forward to where a man was standing on a
mat in front of her. “We are joined in
our wondrous journey by Chris Basilingwoth, who is a beginner just like you.”
Chris turned to
face both the camera and Maggie: “Hi, yes, I’m really looking forward to
exploring this amazing practice and really focusing my mind, and my body. I am working off of three hours of sleep
right now and this seems just the thing to help me unwind. This should be fun, yeah?”
“Excellent. You will feel so much more open and
clear-headed after this session, the first of many as you incorporate these
routines into your regular workout.”
“Well, I don’t
know – to tell you the truth there’s a stunt we’re going to film soon and
everyone I talked to recommended yoga to prep for it, so it was either do this
video or pay for a lesson.” This with a
look on his face that said, “As if!”
Maggie, still
smiling, faced the camera: “Namaste.”
Twenty minutes
in, the viewer was starting to get the hang of inhaling into her back and
exhaling her heart out to the world. She
kept having to turn to the screen to make sure her movements matched Maggie’s,
and she noticed Chris’s arms started shaking as Maggie continued steadily onward.
“Now,” Maggie’s
voice never changed pitch, “bend over at the waist, placing your hands flat on
the mat if you can, or holding your shins if you cannot.” She looked to the side. “Or holding your thighs if you must.”
“Thanks,” Chris
said.
Later, the
viewer felt proud of herself as she was able to hold onto her twisted leg with
her left hand while reaching for the sky with her right.
“Breathe in and
lean back to look towards your outstretched hand – ” [CRASH] – “this is when
you can place a block or a book at your back for support.”
“Cheers.”
Ten minutes
later:
“Now, place your
knees on top of your elbows – ”
“Oh come
on!” [CRASH]
The viewer
hovered off the floor in a near-perfect Crane: “I can do something Chris
Basilingworth can’t, hee-hee!”
[CRASH] “Almost.”
During the
cool-down phase:
“Leave your
palms up to receive the infinite as you elongate your spine along the
floor. Breathe in and out fully, feeling
it throughout your entire body – WAKE UP!”
Chris jumped up
from the mat: “I’m coming! Call
‘Action!’” He ran into the ocean and
started swimming to somewhere.
Maggie, after
sitting up and staring after him for a few moments, turned back to the
camera. “We conclude with crossed legs,
hands on knees or palms up, and breathing, always breathing… no, Mark, we are not
doing this all over again!... Until next time, peace and happiness to you.”
The DVD having
ended, the viewer finally understood why this title had been marked
“Clearance.”
