“I’m tired of
this,” the Boss said to his Friend as they sat at a table in the cafeteria. Friend also happened to be one of Boss’s
subordinates in the office (they had a very good friendship).
“Tired of
what?” Friend asked, fearing he was
about to be told on the sly that yet another company merger was in the works.
“This!” Boss gestured to his half-eaten
sandwich. “Having to stop every few
hours to shove processed food into my mouth just to keep everything
running. Do you know how much of a
disruption meals are to my day?”
“I’m sure
starving people would disagree,” Friend said with his mouth full.
“On the
contrary, I think they’d wholeheartedly agree with the freedom that comes from
no longer needing to eat! Think
of how much money could be saved, how much time wasted in meal preparation that
would be regained, how much less stress there would be in not wondering where
your next meal is coming from, how much less crime there would be in not
needing to steal to eat, how much less violence, how much less oppression of
people over the control of the food supply, the list is endless! I think world peace would be an attainable
goal at that point.”
Friend mulled
this over while chewing his salad. “That
makes some sense, I suppose, although the stronger argument would be for water. It’s a nice hypothesis.”
“I’m going to
test it.”
“Test what?”
“Not
eating! Ever again!”
“Oooh… kay… you
do realize that you would be dead inside a month, right?”
“Says who?”
“Science? The Laws of Nature? God?
The Gods? Pick one!”
Boss threw his
napkin onto the table, stood, and gathered his tray. “Well, I’m not just going to keep bowing to
the whims of some outside force anymore.
It’s time someone took a stand and said ‘Enough is enough!’” And he left.
Friend shook his
head as he finished his lunch. Looks
like that promotion could happen any day now, after all.
ONE MONTH LATER
“So, you haven’t
asked me,” Boss said, leaning on Friend’s cubicle wall as he stood by the desk.
Friend had to
pull himself away from the report Boss had just sent him an e-mail telling him
to do. “Asked you what?”
“How my
experiment is going!”
“What
experiment?”
“The one where I
said I wasn’t going to eat anymore!”
“Oh, that? I thought you were just doing a Lent thing.”
“No, I gave up
running red lights for Lent. For this, I
actually completely stopped eating.”
“For what, two
hours?”
“Thirty-three
days.”
Friend would
have spit out his coffee if he was drinking it.
“You are such a liar.”
“Honest to
goodness, I have not eaten a single thing since we had lunch together a month
ago.”
“Ba-lo-ney.”
“You haven’t
seen me eat anything since, right?”
“Yes, I haven’t seen
you eat anything – that doesn’t mean you haven’t all the other times I don’t
see you.”
“I haven’t been
standing you up for lunch because of the upcoming merger where they might let you
go – I’ve been standing you up for lunch because I no longer need the
fuel. My productivity has increased by
30% just from the lack of interruptions alone.”
“First of all,
we need to discuss my possibly being let go, real soon. Secondly, that’s half an hour a day where
you’re not getting paid to work.”
“I’m management
and salaried, not hourly like the rest of you expendables.”
“Oh. Right.
So, have you saved lots of money with your new initiative?”
“You bet! About $1,000 a month, now that I no longer
have my caviar habit.”
“Really.”
“And you know
what? I also noticed that so much
activity revolves around food, it’s sickening.
Every party I go to is focused on the meal, it’s like, what would a
group of 30 people do for four hours if there wasn’t food to socialize
around? Boy, humanity’s come a long way
in a short time – food in most places went from ‘essential to survival’ to ‘recreational
activity’ just like that!”
“I see.”
“So, since I’ve
saved so much time in doing away with meals, I’m now going to tackle the next
obstacle.”
“What,
breathing?”
“Ha ha, no:
sleeping.”
“Whaaaat?”
“We lose
practically a third of a day, every day, just recharging our batteries – you know
how much more could get accomplished if we didn’t need to reboot constantly and
for so long? Plus, how less tired we’d
all feel, and how much more productive?”
Friend looked
around nervously. “Please don’t let H.R.
hear you!” he hissed.
“Don’t worry, I’ll
test it out first and let you know the results,” Boss slapped Friend on the
shoulder and went off whistling “Brahms’s Lullaby.”
ONE WEEK LATER
Friend was
suddenly awakened to his phone ringing on his bedside table. He turned on the lamp, saw the time on his
clock read 4:32 a.m., and picked up the phone in a panic.
“Hello?! What happened?!”
“Nothing, it’s
just me,” Boss said. “Listen, I’ve been
looking for an open store for hours and all I can find are sleazy gas stations
– you mind if I come over and hang out?”
“It’s 4:00 in
the morning.”
“Yeah, and?”
“And, I was
sleeping. Like most day shift people.”
“Oh right, I’ve
been losing track of the time lately.
You won’t believe how much work I’ve been able to get done since I gave
up sleep: don’t tell anyone, but I think I might be promoted to CEO soon, even
though there’re about 20 people in line ahead of me!”
“Wonderful.”
“Are you mad
that I woke you up?”
“Extremely.”
“You should give
sleep up like I did! It’s so
freeing – I can make my own schedule, close down bars, throw out my bed, chase
away those teens prowling on my property at night, figure out how to keep you
on the payroll for years after the higher-ups terminate you on Monday, even
take a mini-vacation without any even knowing I’ve gone! I’ve never felt more alive!”
Friend was
trying to go back to sleep to delay thinking about his pending
unemployment. “Are you sure you’re not
really undead?”
There was a
brief pause on the line. “You know, I
did get into a tussle with some very pale dude a few months back and he got a
bite in – you think he may have turned me into some kind of vampire?”
“More like a
zombie; I wouldn’t worry about it.”
As Friend began
to hang up, he heard Boss chime in with: “I suppose it’s for the best and the
effects have been amazing, but before being drastically transformed I would’ve
appreciated being asked first, you know?”
