Story 146: Reply All or Nothing

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: Survey

            Please complete the annual company survey at https://---------.---.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Hi,

Will we be penalized for not completing the survey?  My heart’s just not in it right now.

            Thanks,

            Brian

To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Brian,

The answer to your question, for anyone else who also may ask it, is no.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Can I come in tomorrow to talk about the raise I didn’t get?

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

All Users: Please do not select “Reply All” when responding to the original message.

Samantha: Please call your local Human Resources office and make an appointment.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources.

            To: All Users

            From: Tyler Y.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Hi, can I take the survey for my boss?  He’s out on leave but wanted to contribute his input.

            Tyler

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Tyler and anyone else who may want to ask the same question: Clearly not.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            No one’s answering in the office – can you help me with my raise????

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

Samantha: Please leave a message with your local Human Resources office and someone will get back to you.

            All Users: Please do not select “Reply All” when responding to the original message.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Brian again – I think I will do the survey after all, now that I think about it.  Is that all right or have I already been disqualified?

            Thanks,

            Brian

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

All Users: The survey is accessed by entering your ID number – no one is ever blocked and the number can only be used once.

            Please direct all further questions to this e-mail address: ---@---.---.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Tyler Y.

            Subject: RE: Survey

One more question: can I do the survey for my co-worker who’s also out on leave?

Tyler

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD EVERYONE STOP HITTING REPLY ALL!!!!  HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE TOLD IN THE SAME E-MAIL THREAD??!!!???  NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ISSUES AND YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELVES APPEAR OBTUSE!!!!! YOU ALL SHOULD BE FIRED FOR FAILURE TO FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!!!!

            INCOMPREHENSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Tyler: The answer to every question you will ever have on this subject is “No.”

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            No one has returned my message yet – should I try calling them again?

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

Automated Message: This user has resigned due to the effects of the infinite feedback loop created by a paradox of insanity – please direct all further inquiries to ComprehendE-mailUse@LearnBasicComputing.com.

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Hi, 

It’s Brian again: I wanted to let you know that I decided not to take the survey after all – there’s just too much pressure on me right now.  Is that all right?

            Thanks a bunch!

            Brian

Story 145: You Don’t Get What You Want, You Get What You Need

            “I can’t believe I got passed over for promotion again!  I mean, I know I’m always late to work and I underproduce, but I’ve been there long enough, by golly, I deserve advancement!”

            “Yeah, I think you’re better off where you are now.”

            “And where is that, not promoted?!”

            “Not fired.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Yet another losing lotto ticket, why am I always surprised?  Why can’t I ever win the $100 million jackpot – I’ve got bills to pay and yachts to buy!”

            “Don’t you also have those cousins who keep asking you for money, and the only way you get them to go away each time is because you’re legitimately almost-broke?  What about greedy relatives you don’t even know you have right now, or con artists, or outright thieves – what’re they going to do to you when they find out you have $100 million?  Minus taxes?”

            “Maybe I can just win the $5,000 jackpot, then.  Minus taxes.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “So close!  I was so close to buying my dream house, and some nameless shadow swoops in with a ridiculously higher offer!  That was my house, man!  If it felt so right, how could the universe have snatched it away from me at the last minute like that?!”

            “You’re still going on about this?  It was over a year ago!”

            “I will always be bitter.”

          “You do realize that house was in the development that was just demolished for the new bypass, don’t you?  If you had bought it then, you would’ve had to find a new dream house all over again anyway.”

            “I don’t care, it’s the principle of the thing!  It was mine and that guy nabbed it!”

            “Joke’s on him then, I guess.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

          “I was supposed to spend the summer relaxing by the shore, and instead I’m spending it trekking to doctor’s offices and hospitals getting treatments for inconvenient growths!  What a pain in the neck!”

            “You want to see next summer?”

            “…Point taken.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Aw, rain all day right when we’re having our big party!  Why can’t it be nice and dry all summer long?”

            “We’ve had a drought for a month – the reservoir’ll finally be filled and the crops will stop dying.”

             “Yeah yeah, but couldn’t all that have happened tomorrow?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “I was all set to adopt that cute little kitten in the store, and then my friend up and moves and gives me her extremely old cat to take in!  I can’t get the cute little kitten now that I’ve got this old dude, it’s so unfair!”

            “I bet that old cat really needed you, though – he had to leave his mom and go to a new home at his age, so at least he’s not in a shelter.”

            “I guess, and he’s not as raucous as I was prepared for with the kitten, and he’s clean and quiet and pretty cuddly and stop making me notice the benefits of the extremely old cat!”

            “You sure do complain a lot.”

Story 144: You Are Cordially Invited to Join a Pity Party

            The Last Guest arrived at the clandestine club and was greeted at the door by a bouncer.

            “Password?”  The bouncer asked her.

            “My life is a failure and everything I do is wrong.”

            “It was just ‘Failure,’ but whatever.”  He opened the door and let her in.

           As she entered the main area, she saw that the Pity Party was in full swing: lots of people moping about the place, slumping in chairs, leaning against the bar, holding an obligatory drink despondently without ever drinking it, and picking at uneaten finger foods while the D.J. played dirges.  He tried to get everyone line dancing, but the resemblance to a zombie crawl made him kick them off the dance floor.  Last Guest felt that, at last, this was where she truly belonged.

            She spotted a few of her almost-friends standing in a clump next to a weak-looking lava lamp, so she headed over to them.

            “Hi!  Didn’t think any of you would actually show up!”

            “Nor we you,” Almost-Friend 1 said.  “I thought you had it all together.”

          “Blazes no, I’m an absolute wreck.  The day when all my bills are paid off and the debt collectors stop calling me?  Never gonna happen.  And I realized this morning that I’m probably going to have to sell The House just to stay afloat.”

           “Not The House!”  Almost-Friend 2 said.  “I think I remember you saying you grew up there!”

           “I did, and I probably won’t get much for it since it got to be such a pig-sty, but it was mine.  I would have said ‘ours’ if mom and dad hadn’t gotten sick and that was that, you know, same old story, I won’t bore you with the details.  So what are you guys partying it up for?”

            “Finally acknowledging my complete failure as an artist,” Almost-Friend 1 replied.

            “No!”  Last Guest said.  “I love your stuff!  And you were making at least some money from it, weren’t you?”

            “Fifty cents technically is money, so yes, you are correct.”

            “Ohhhh….”

            Almost-Friend 1 took a swig of tonic.  “I never did manage to have any of my work shown in a back alley, let alone a gallery.  I know one must be patient, don’t expect too much out of life, these things take time, and all that, but you must admit that 23 years is a bit long for nothing to happen.”

            “Umm….”

            “And I know that, when one fails, one must always try and try again, else how will one ever succeed?  Yet I found myself asking myself, at what point does continual, constant, unremitting lack of success cease to be inspirational and instead become pathetic?  I wish someone had told me when I had reached it, because I went far, far beyond it.  One wonders when one should just admit defeat and pursue a less frustrating obsession.”

            “Hm.”  Last Guest turned to Almost-Friend 2.  “So, what about you?”

            Almost-Friend 2 looked at her morosely.  “Still out of work, and my unemployment ran out the other day.  I’d be homeless if my parents hated me.”

            “Well, that’s great that you have your family with you!  Most people wish they had that kind of support.”

            “Yeah, I’ve suspected for some time now that they feel my failure in life means that they too have failed, both genetically and in their child-rearing.”

            “I doubt that!”

           “I’d sure feel that way if I was them.”  His phone rang.  “Excuse me – hello?... Really?!  That’s, that’s wonderful news… Yes, I can start on Monday.  See you then!  Bye!”  He disconnected the call.  “I don’t believe it – the 217^th interview I went on actually called back to say they want to hire me!  Me!  Listen, I’d better go before the disillusionment sets in – bye!  I love you all!”  As he left the club he addressed the rest of the attendees, who barely raised their heads to look at him.  “I’m really sorry guys, but I have to say this while I still can: I’m outta here, losers!  Ahahahahaha!  I’m so, so sorry.”  The attendees slowly lowered their heads as he fled the scene.

            “So,” Last Guest turned to Almost-Friend 3.  “What’s your story?”

            “Resentful of life partner and kids, all of whom are brats.”

            “That’s a bummer.  Ever try professional help?”

           “They won’t tell me anything I don’t already know: I’m an a-hole, I married an a-hole, our children logically are a-holes.  Nothing to be done for it, so might as well not spend the money.”

            “Have you ever tried not being an a-hole?”

            “Tiger can’t change its stripes.  Just wish I was born a better person, but that ship has sailed.”

            “Not necessarily, if you really want to be better.  Also, good things happen to good people.”

           “We all like to think that, but nobody’s really that good.  Well, there are a few who are that good, and they’re the ones who garbage happens to, so what does that tell you?”

            “To give up?”

            “Pretty much.  Less aggravation that way – acceptance truly is the path to bliss.”

            “Last call!”  The bartender shouted.

            “But I just got here!”  Last Guest whined.

            “That’s the rules,” the bartender said as she pointed to a sign above the bar that read “All Pity Parties Must Be Brief in Duration for Maximum Effect.”

           “Aw shucks,” Last Guest said as her fellow Pity Partygoers shuffled out the door under the now-bright lights and to the sound of the abruptly cut-off music.  “I wanted to wallow a bit longer.”

            Almost-Friend 1 downed the rest of her drink.  “Is our failure compounded if we can’t even Pity Party properly?”