Story 139: Life Goal Misfire

            “Welcome, audience, to today’s episode of Where Did My Life Go Wrong?.  I am your host, Bob Emcee.  We have four guests on the panel today: let’s start with you, Jill Regret.”

            “Hi, Bob, thanks for having me.”

            “So what’s your saga, Jill?”

            “OK, I’m 35 years old, and I’m Store Manager at ----- ------.”

            “Well, Jill, it sounds like you did pretty well for yourself.”

            “It would sound that way, if I hadn’t gotten my master’s degree in engineering.”

            “Oh my.  What happened?”

           “What didn’t?  It’s a hard enough field for me to get into, as you can imagine, but with the recession, two school-age kids and a sick parent at home, plus no time to do internships, and my part-time job became my career to pay the bills.  Even if all that changed tomorrow, I’m too many years removed from my degree for it to count for me anymore.”

            “That’s a real kick in the teeth if I ever heard one.  Best of luck to you in your next life, and be sure to pick up your complimentary tea cozy on the way out today.  Our second guest is – let’s see – my goodness, it’s world-famous rock star Chad Musicman!  I didn’t realize you were scheduled for today – welcome, welcome.”

            “Thank you – it’s real good to be here.”

            “I apologize if I sound a bit obtuse, but are you certain that you’re on the right show?”

            “Heh heh, I’m certain all right.”

            “Very well.  Mr. Musicman: the fame, the fortune, the adoration, the music.  Where could it possibly have all gone wrong for you?”

            “Yeah, all that’s great, and I always have loved music, don’t get me wrong, but when I went to college, it was because I really really really wanted to be a litigator.”

            “Really?”

            “Yes!  It’s absolutely fascinating, and I loved working summers in law firms, plus debate was my favorite extracurricular activity, even above band and chorus – ”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, but I just couldn’t remember a lot of the legal terms and I kept mixing up court cases, so I didn’t even make it to the entrance exams for law school.  Been bummed out about that ever since.”

            “That certainly explains your first #1 hit song, ‘Love the Law, It Don’t Love Me.’”

            “Oh yeah – it’s grammatically incorrect, but fit the meter better.”

           “Hm.  Our next guest is a top cardiothoracic surgeon who has saved countless lives, won countless awards, written countless articles that saved even more lives, and has a six-month waiting period for office appointments.  Dr. Jeanne Lifesaver, welcome to our show, now tell us why you think your life has gone so horribly awry and – ”

            “I HAVE NO FREE TIME!”

            “…Thank you for joining us – right, lads, don’t jostle her on that stretcher – our final guest is a self-described entrepreneur, but the entire world knows him by his moniker Villain McHorrible.  I won’t lie and say that this is honor, sir.”
            “The feeling is mutual.”

            “Now, Mr. McHorrible, let me be blunt: you have stolen trillions of all units of currency, you have disrupted cable service for civilians watching the game too many times to count, and you have caused traffic jams on major roadways worldwide that have lasted for days.  How can we believe you when you say that controlling humanity has not been your life goal after such overwhelming evidence to the contrary?”

            “I need justify my actions to no one.”

            “You chose to appear on live TV for that very reason!”

           “Oh yes.  True, I have done all those things you mentioned and I’m planning very soon to block access to all social media Web sites for an indeterminate length of time – ”

            “What?!”

            “But you must understand, I did not choose this life.  It was thrust upon me, simply because I failed to succeed in the one thing that is my genuine, undying passion.”

            “Which is?”

           “The Dance.  Years of lessons, only to be told that I have no tempo and never will, what would you have done in my position?”

            “If we forced Julliard to accept you, would you leave the rest of the world alone?”

            “You know, I’m not sure – maybe?  No, it’s all I know now, I really don’t think the dice can be unrolled at this point, Bob.”

            “That does it for today.  Thank you all for joining us on Where Did My Life Go Wrong?.  See you at the same time tomorrow, unless I haven’t lost the gubernatorial election yet again.”

Story 138: GPS Is [Not] My Co-Pilot

            “In – 2 – point – 5 – miles – turn right – on – [Mumble Mumble] Road.

            “Ding-dong.

            “When possible, make a legal U-turn on – [Mumble Mumble] Street.

            “I said – when possible, make a legal U-turn on – [Mumble Mumble] Street.

            “Why are you – not listening – to me – I said – U-turn on – [Mumble Mumble] Street – not – continue on – [Mumble Mumble] Street.

            “Oh – I see – what you – are doing – remain on the current road – in – 0 – point – 5 – miles – make a – slight right – onto – [Mumble Mumble] Parkway.

            “Ding-dong.

            “You have missed – the entrance – to – [Mumble Mumble] Parkway – how could you – there was – a huge sign installed – for that sole purpose – the only other road – is – 10 – point – 7 – miles – out of the way – the only reason – to go – that way – is – to avoid – [Mumble Mumble] Parkway – in which case – you are – just – a cheapskate.

            “Remain on the current road – then – Mr. – Scrooge.

            “In – 0 – point – 5 – miles – turn left – on – [Mumble Mumble] Street.

            “Ding-dong.

           “Now what – are you – doing – that literally was – the most direct route – to – your destination – at this point – you now are travelling – in – a perpendicular direction – from – where you need to go – in – 0 – point – 5 – miles – turn left – onto [Mumble Mumble] Avenue – and end – this madness – before it is – too late.

            “Ding-dong.

            “You appear to be – doing this – on purpose – why did – you bother – turning on navigation – if you – were going to – just ignore it – shutting down – in – 5 – seconds – for – self-preservation.

          “You have arrived at your destination.  Please download current maps into this 10-year-old system – you – ignoramus.”

Story 137: Hate-Watchers Anonymous

            The members of the group sat in a shame circle; the moderator spoke first.

          “I know we were relegated to the bingo hall’s sub-basement because we don’t represent a quote-unquote ‘legitimate addiction,’ but I want you all to be proud of yourselves for recognizing that your obsession is just as destructive as any condition recognized by the American Psychological Association.  Now, let’s begin by introducing ourselves: my name is Zack, and I am a recovering hate-watcher of that old classic, Space Opera Grit.”

            “Hi, Zack.”

            “Hi, everyone.  Thank you for coming here tonight.  As you may already know but I’m going to tell you anyway, the reason why I formed this group is because I wanted to help others who feel just as trapped as I once did: trapped, in a neverending cycle of seasonal television, despairing as your favorite show’s quality declines exponentially as the years drag on, yet always coming back for more each week.  I would literally pray for the show’s cancellation, knowing full well that that would put those on it out of work, but I was comforted in the knowledge that they too were hoping for cancellation – it’s clear as day when they make public appearances that by Season 8 their hearts were no longer in it.  The show’s still on the air, but I was finally released from my all-encompassing burden when the season finale of its fifteenth year ended in disaster.  As I sat in my living room staring at the credits of lost souls scroll by at the speed of light, I suddenly realized: no one is actually making me watch this garbage.  So I just never watched it again.  I wished I’d had a group like this seven years ago – would’ve saved me a lot of time and angst – so let’s get started.  Who’d like to go first?  You?  OK, what’s your name?”

            “Martha, and I’m a hate-watcher of Psychopathic Family of 10.”

            “Hi, Martha.”

            “And why do you consider yourself a hate-watcher, Martha?”

            “Well, the premise is rubbish and I only started watching it because I like the lead actress – ”

            “Ohhhh.”

            “And it was funny.  In the beginning.”

            “Go on.”

            “You know how it is: the lead is also one of the producers, and they always turn evil at some point if they weren’t already.  By Season 3, the magic had died.”

            “And that’s usually the point where the magic starts for a lot of shows.”

            “In this case, it just got unfunnier, and uncomfortably frantic, and it treats its audience like idiots.”

            “No!”

            “Yes!  I feel so ashamed in paying those people’s salaries in any way!”

            “There, there, Martha – you’re among friends now.  So who’s next?”

            “I’ll go.  My name’s Josh, and I’m a hate-watcher of Sword Slash.”

            “Hi, Josh – what?!”

            “We do not judge here, people!  But seriously, Josh, how can you hate-watch Sword Slash?  If you’re even watching it to begin with, you have to like it at least a little.”

            “Yeah, I did for a while, but the gratuitous violence and unnecessary nudity do nothing for the plot or for me anymore.”  There were rumblings in the group.  “I’m sorry, but it feels like they’re trying way too hard to get my 18- to 34-year-old straight male demographic attention, and all I want is a well-developed story and realistic characters!”

            “You make some excellent points there, Josh.  If I may ask: how come you keep watching it, then?”

            “Gotta find out how it ends.”

            “OK, who’s next?”

            “Hello, my name is Jessica, and I’m a hate-watcher of Retroville.”

            Everyone else murmured in sympathy.

            “That show’s still on?”  Zack asked.

            “Unfortunately, yes.  For 17 years.”

            “Wow, you have endurance.  I had started watching it but I couldn’t get past the first half of Season 2.”

            “Most people couldn’t.”

            “Do you know why you’re still watching it?”

            “Because I’m no quitter!”

            “Well, Jessica, quitting can be a good thing when the item in question is destroying you.  Maybe there’s still something decent about the show?”

            “No, it’s absolute tripe!  The writing is disgusting, the acting is somnambulatory, the scenery is horrendous, the camera angles are atrocious, and the music is banal!”

            “…I see.  Maybe you should trying replacing it with Sword Slash instead?”

            “No!”  Josh screamed and had to be restrained by other group members.  “Don’t let it claim another victim!  I won’t let it win!”

            “Why don’t they just cancel PFO10 already?”  Martha wailed.  “They must be losing money by now – what devil is renewing it year after year after year?!”

            A man stood.  “My name is Hamish, and I’m a hate-watcher of Comic Book Adaptation – I thought coming here would help me get over it, but all I know is that the new episode starts in five minutes so I’m going home to watch it and cry!”

            The rest of the group left in a flurry of overturned chairs; Zack remained, slumped in his.

            “They’ll be back,” he said to the empty room.  “Now that they started this, they can’t resist seeing how it will end.”