Story 114: Night of Silence

            “Traffic was the usual nightmare – why is there only one road and only one bridge leading to the same place where everybody’s goin’?”

            “Whose room is everybody’s coats going in?  Last year I couldn’t find my scarf when we were leaving.”

            “Did you say ‘Thank you for the sweater’ to Grandma?  Go say ‘Thank you’ now!”

            “I know we’re the grandkids, but we’re all in our 30s and 40s – why do we still have to sit at the kiddie table?”

            “I need a drink.  Somebody turn on the game before my head explodes.”

            “Everybody sit down and eat!  Why is no one sitting?!”

            “Mommy, he’s looking at me!”

            “Stop looking at your sister or else Santa’ll take back all your presents!”

            “So, Santa didn’t get me a cruise to the Caribbean, again.”

            “Who’s missing?  Is she still sick?  I’ll make up a container for her.”

            “What broke over there?!”

            “Nothing!”

            “I didn’t think I had this many dishes.”

            “Is the coffee ready yet?  I’ll bring out the fennel and fruit.”

            “She took my toy!”

            “That’s it!  Everything’s going back in the car!”

            “Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!”

            “Keep this up and it’ll all go back to the North Pole!”

            “Sniff.”

            “Coffee’s still not ready, but have some of the pastries.”

            “You guys finally made it!  How’s the traffic on the bridge now?”

            “We could’ve walked here faster.  One guy on the road certainly did.”

            “How did we run out of chairs?  I counted them this morning.”

            “We’re gonna be going – I’ve gotta work tomorrow.”

            “On a Saturday?”

            “Oh right.  Still, gotta go.”

            “Daddy, I can’t find my new doll!”

            “She’s out getting the car – I’ll go help her.”

            “Coffee’s ready!”

            “There’s only five of us left – ”

            “Drink it!”

            “Thanks for the great dinner, as always!  Good night!”

            “Safe home!  Merry Christmas!”

            “And Happy New Year!”

            “I am not cleaning all this up tonight.”

            The star shone on over the peace and quiet at last.

Story 113: Cat Translator – Christmas Edition

            Lots of activity.  Humans moving landmarks around – bearings are lost.  Must re-sniff and re-mark territory to ensure sanity.

            Commotion at domicile’s front entry.  A large mass is heading in this direction – flee!

            Emerge hours later out from under cushioned sleep nest.  In corner of main living area stands an outdoor being.  Scent is reminiscent of forest, but creature also reeks of death.  Stand at base to mourn passing, then move underneath to investigate further.

            Humans interrupt when they gather around forest creature and continue their desecration by hanging random objects all over it.  Lights flash, blindingly.  Ooh – tissue paper!

            Shooed away.  The One consoles with ear rubs – reward with noises The One likes.  The human ritual continues until forest creature is entirely covered in shame.  Would stay away out of respect if only smell was not so captivating.  What tales of the outside world this creature could have shared.

            Darkness and quiet.  A round object is hanging low on forest creature’s limb – perhaps can assist in removing shame by knocking object away.  There.

           In the brightness, humans are distressed upon seeing formerly round object.  The One comforts with more ear rubs – reward with a nuzzle.  Others continue making loud noises over formerly round object, which was not even alive at any point, unlike forest creature.  Difficult to understand rules around here at times.

            Plan to assist forest creature by removing objects is nullified; onward with continuous vigil.

            Large number of objects appear under forest creature.  Humans rip them apart, making happy noises.  Ooh – tissue paper!

            Objects are removed at last from under and on forest creature.  Forest creature itself is removed from domicile – fortunate, since dead state was attracting unwelcome residents.  Empty space.  Farewell, one who has endured much.

            Ooh – pine needles!  Delicious.

Story 112: Decoration Derby

            Announcer: Welcome to the First Annual Decoration Derby!  The rules are that all contestants must address their compulsion to decorate their houses in the spirit of the season to the utmost of their capabilities, utilizing all their supplies, within the time allotted.  I’m your host, and here are our contestants:

            House 1: Family of Five.  They say many hands make light work, but not so much when six of those hands are under the age of 10, am I right?

            House 2: Widow whose children never visit.  Lots of time and money on her hands – I’ll say no more.

           House 3: Let’s call them The Scrooges.  A couple who hates Christmas, hates Hanukkah, hates Kwanzaa, hates New Year’s – you name it, they oppose it.  Not quite sure why they’re even in this competition.

          In the middle of the street, Santa Claus raises the starting cannon – it fires a shower of snowflakes – and they’re off!  Family of Five immediately becomes hopelessly ensnarled in the miles of lights for the outside of the house and the tree – their best course of action may be to literally cut their losses and go buy some light nets.  Widow painstakingly arranges her miniatures sets of winter villages and railroad stations while simultaneously hanging ornaments on the tree – with her feet!  The Scrooges… seem to be enjoying cups of hot cocoa in their rocking chairs while watching the snow fall outside.  Interesting strategy; we’ll see where this leads.

            Back at House 1, Dad has been completing numerous 10-yard dashes all over the front yard as he frantically plants reindeer, Nativity scenes, Santa and his elves, and candy canes randomly on every patch of lawn available.  He may have some points deducted for not noticing the Halloween tombstone he placed in the middle of a caroling snow family, but that’s for the judges to decide.

            Meanwhile, inside of House 1, Mom has an efficient assembly line of tree decorators with eldest and middle child, also while supervising youngest child who is assigned to string garland wherever possible, arrange stuffed seasonal characters on all counter and table tops, and hang the hand-made school projects on whatever wall space is left.  Even the family dog must play his part, in being dressed in an ugly sweater with antlers on his ears.  He doesn’t seem to mind, though, as he nibbles on the dropped popcorn unbeknownst to his family.  I would not want to be around to clean all this up.  They have a good pace, but the combination of crooked ornaments, potty breaks, tears, missing and broken decorations, and cussing are all serving to eat away at any advantage in time and completeness they had.

            At this point, Widow has completed the tree and miniature communities but insists upon hand-stringing popcorn, assembling nutcrackers, and covering the entire house in fake snow.  I think the real snow happening right now would do just nicely, but what do I know.

            As for The Scrooges – my goodness, are they doing Yoga?  I really think they don’t even know what is going on around them.

            And – Time!  Let’s follow the judges as they visit each house.

            House 1: The out-of-holiday front lawn decoration and Dad strung up amongst the lights on the roof are point deductions, tsk tsk.  The haphazard condition of the decorations inside the house, on the tree, and on the dog also detract from the final score, in that they show that quantity rather than quality was valued.  However, the overall layout is aesthetically pleasing and the kids were cooperative and well-behaved for the most part.  Final score: 8 out of 10.

            House 2: A winter wonderland greets the eye in Widow’s Ice Palace.  Some of the items in the miniature villages clearly do not function as well as they must have in winters past, but the frozen landscape complete with the central heating turned off both make for a nice effect and demonstrate Widow’s dedication.  Final score: 9 out of 10.

            House 3: The Scrooges have placed a single candle in the window for their child overseas serving in the armed forces.  Since this technically meets all criteria, final score is 10 out of 10.

            There you have it, folks: Keep the season in your own way and you can’t go wrong.  Thank you for joining us in the First Annual Decoration Derby; now excuse us while we attempt to rescue Dad from the roof.