Scene is in
a funeral home: beloved wife/mother/grandmother/great-grandmother/great-great-grandmother/aunt/great-aunt/cousin
Esmeralda is being waked by her entire family and her two surviving friends. She is surrounded by photos and flowers;
everyone is very sad. Suddenly, party
music is heard.
“Uh-oh,”
first cousin once-removed Margie said.
“What is
it?” Great-nephew Alex asked.
“It’s the
goddaughter Monique.”
The front
doors of the funeral home burst open: Monique led the way with a boombox in one
hand and a bubble sprayer in the other.
She was followed by an entourage of caterers.
“All right,
family, let’s get this wake started!”
Slices of
pizza were passed around as a drinks station was assembled in the back of the
viewing room. Monique set the boombox on
the table holding the Mass cards as the funeral home employees dispersed to
soothe the crowd as they do best.
Monique went
over to the coffin and gazed fondly on Esmeralda.
“Godmomma,”
Monique began, “you will be missed. You
were on this Earth for 107 years, and not a day went by in the last 30 of those
where you wouldn’t ask the Lord to bring you on home. Well, He finally did, and now you’re happy,
so we’re having a party to celebrate.”
“But this
is a wake,” Esmeralda’s son Tobias said.
“It was
certainly asleep when I got here – let’s inject some life into it already!” Monique turned up the volume on the music and
the caterers began to dance.
“No, she’s
most definitely not a blood relation,” cousin Mark muttered to his wife.
“To
celebrate her life,” Monique addressed the gathering again, “I want you all to
come up here and tell good stories about our beloved departed! I’ll start: I remember when I was 6 years
old, I was riding my bike, and I fell off, and Godmomma Esmeralda looked at me
and said, ‘Monique,’ she said, ‘ you gotta get back up on that bike,’ she said,
‘`else that bike will always have one over on you.’ So I got back up on that bike and I rode on
into life!”
“Yes!” Several people in the crowd were starting to
get into it. At some point during this,
the boombox had started playing Gospel music, which always gets a crowd into the
spirit.
“I rode on
into adventure!”
“Yes!”
“I rode
smack into her car, but not too hard, so it didn’t get scratched. And Godmomma Esmeralda smiled, and gave me
milk and cookies!”
“Yay!”
“So who’s
next?”
“Ooh, I
have one!” First cousin once-removed
Margie went up to the front. “I remember
Esmeralda parasailing at age 90, a bit past the age recommended by professionals,
and she fell into the water when the tether broke loose, and she decided to
swim to shore instead of waiting for the boat to pick her up, just because she
thought it would’ve been too much of a hassle!”
“Yeah!” The crowd now was clapping in time with the
music.
The
testimonials went on for another hour, until the local priest interrupted to
offer the prayers for the deceased’s immortal soul. This sobered the spirit for a bit – Monique respectfully
lowed the volume on the boombox a smidgen, and people were surreptitiously
tapping their toes – but when the priest finished, the next relative stood up
to testify, and so on until the funeral home had to shut all that down because
it was closing time.
Monique
stood next to the casket again. “You
were a beautiful family audience tonight.
Thank you for sharing – see you all at the funeral tomorrow!”
Everyone
clapped and cheered as she left with her supplies and her caterers.
“This was,
by far, the best wake I’ve ever been to!”
Great-nephew Alex said.
“Yeah,”
agreed son Tobias. “I hope mine's like this, too.”
