Story 187: The Game Show No One Can Win

Host: Hi there, folks, and welcome to the show!  I’m your host… Now, here are our contestants…. OK!  Let’s start with you.

Contestant 1: Hi.

Host: Your question is: what is the first thing that Contestant 2 will say?

Contestant 1: Um… “Hi”?

Host: [Buzzer sound] Nope!  The answer is “What?”  You lose all the points.

Contestant 1: But I haven’t gotten any –

Host: Contestant 2!

Contestant 2: What?

Host: (To Contestant 1) See.  (Back to Contestant 2) Your question is: what is your favorite time of the day?

Contestant 2: What?

Host: No-no, we already did that one.

Contestant 2: Oh, I don’t know then, noon?

Host: [Buzzer sound] Wrong, your favorite time of the day is afternoon, so you only get half credit.

Contestant 2: OK….

Host: Contestant 3!

Contestant 4: She’ll be right back.

Host: Oh.  Contestant 4!

Contestant 4: Yes?

Host: Your question is: what number am I thinking of right now?

Contestant 4: But – that’s imposs – how can – there’s no way to – you have to write it down so we know it’s the same!

Host: Hm, all right, I’ll whisper it in Contestant 1’s ear.  (Whispers, then says out loud) You can go now.

Contestant 4: Can I at least have a range?

Host: Between 1 and 1,000,000.

Contestant 4: But that’s – there’s no –

Host: Clock’s ticking, Contestant 4.

Contestant 4: Oooh, 5,237!

Host: (Blinks, then turns to Contestant 1) Was that it?

Contestant 1: No, you picked zero.

Contestant 4: That’s not in the range!

Host: Still, you didn’t guess it, so you lose all the points.  Let’s see, right now the Contestants have nothing, and I have a high score of 3,000 –

Contestant 4: You’re the Host – you don’t get points, you’re not even playing!

Host: Then how come I’m winning?  Ah, Contestant 3, you’re back: it’s your turn.

Contestant 3: It is?  Do I have to?

Host: You must.  Your question is: what do I think is Contestant 4’s deepest darkest secret?

Contestant 3: What kind of question is that?  I’d say I’d have to be a double mind reader if it wasn’t really just guessing your opinion.

Host: You have to answer or else!

Contestant 3: I don’t know… perjury?

Contestant 4: How did you know?!?!

Contestant 3: Cool.

Host: [Buzzer sound] Incorrect!  I was thinking the secret was not telling the truth after saying you would.

Contestant 3: That’s the same thing!

Host: Oh.  Then you get half credit.  OK, game’s over, final score is: I win, Yay!  (Confetti is thrown everywhere)

Contestant 1: What just happened?

Contestant 2: I think we all lost.

Contestant 3: Finally – can I go now?

Contestant 4: After you help our Host clean up this mess in the living room.

Contestant 3: Ugh, that’s it, I’m never playing with a 6 year old again.