Thursday, May 25, 2017

Story 187: The Game Show No One Can Win

Host: Hi there, folks, and welcome to the show!  I’m your host… Now, here are our contestants…. OK!  Let’s start with you.
Contestant 1: Hi.
Host: Your question is: what is the first thing that Contestant 2 will say?
Contestant 1: Um… “Hi”?
Host: [Buzzer sound] Nope!  The answer is “What?”  You lose all the points.
Contestant 1: But I haven’t gotten any –
Host: Contestant 2!
Contestant 2: What?
Host: (To Contestant 1) See.  (Back to Contestant 2) Your question is: what is your favorite time of the day?
Contestant 2: What?
Host: No-no, we already did that one.
Contestant 2: Oh, I don’t know then, noon?
Host: [Buzzer sound] Wrong, your favorite time of the day is afternoon, so you only get half credit.
Contestant 2: OK….
Host: Contestant 3!
Contestant 4: She’ll be right back.
Host: Oh.  Contestant 4!
Contestant 4: Yes?
Host: Your question is: what number am I thinking of right now?
Contestant 4: But – that’s imposs – how can – there’s no way to – you have to write it down so we know it’s the same!
Host: Hm, all right, I’ll whisper it in Contestant 1’s ear.  (Whispers, then says out loud) You can go now.
Contestant 4: Can I at least have a range?
Host: Between 1 and 1,000,000.
Contestant 4: But that’s – there’s no –
Host: Clock’s ticking, Contestant 4.
Contestant 4: Oooh, 5,237!
Host: (Blinks, then turns to Contestant 1) Was that it?
Contestant 1: No, you picked zero.
Contestant 4: That’s not in the range!
Host: Still, you didn’t guess it, so you lose all the points.  Let’s see, right now the Contestants have nothing, and I have a high score of 3,000 –
Contestant 4: You’re the Host – you don’t get points, you’re not even playing!
Host: Then how come I’m winning?  Ah, Contestant 3, you’re back: it’s your turn.
Contestant 3: It is?  Do I have to?
Host: You must.  Your question is: what do I think is Contestant 4’s deepest darkest secret?
Contestant 3: What kind of question is that?  I’d say I’d have to be a double mind reader if it wasn’t really just guessing your opinion.
Host: You have to answer or else!
Contestant 3: I don’t know… perjury?
Contestant 4: How did you know?!?!
Contestant 3: Cool.
Host: [Buzzer sound] Incorrect!  I was thinking the secret was not telling the truth after saying you would.
Contestant 3: That’s the same thing!
Host: Oh.  Then you get half credit.  OK, game’s over, final score is: I win, Yay!  (Confetti is thrown everywhere)
Contestant 1: What just happened?
Contestant 2: I think we all lost.
Contestant 3: Finally – can I go now?
Contestant 4: After you help our Host clean up this mess in the living room.
Contestant 3: Ugh, that’s it, I’m never playing with a 6 year old again.


  1. I got it; a certain 6 year old is involved. Not naming names but the story was very funny and well-written.

  2. Yes, I was being very unsubtle about it :-) - thank you very much!