Story 134: Ahh!cne

            The dermatologist completed her exam and said to the patient, “Well, they’re not tumors, so no need to worry about that rigmarole.  No, what you have is a depressingly common case of post-adolescent acne.”

            “But I’m 73 years old!”

            “It affects everyone differently.  Now, I’m going to write you a prescription to take ----; it usually clears the whole mess up in about a week.”

            “But doc, I’m already taking ----, ----, ----, ----, ----, and ----!  If I take one more drug, my internal organs will literally melt!”

            “Hm.  All right, there’s an over-the-counter cream you can try first for a few weeks and see if that works.  It’s on TV and some names with pretty faces say they use it.”

            “Do you think it works?”

            “Eh.”

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            The dermatologist entered the exam room.  “Hi there, let’s see how the ol’ pox is coming along.  You can take the bag off your head now.”

            “I already took it off.”

            “Oh.  Oh dear.  And how long has the swelling been going on?”

            “For the past 10 days.  I went to the Emergency Room where they gave me some antibiotics and told me to go see you.”

            “Um-hm.  I don’t remember if this is one of the side effects listed for ----?”

            “It isn’t.  I called the manufacturer and they said they’ve never seen anything like this in the 35 years it’s been on the market.  They want to pay me to model as their ‘Warning’ photo for the elderly.”

           “OK.  I’m going to put some cream I have here on your face and wherever else there’s swelling….  I see the acne’s still with us.”

            “Yes, it’s actually gotten worse.  Some of them have merged to form clusters of super-acne – I think I only made them angry, doc.”

            “Well, I’ve haven’t been defeated by mere skin inflammation yet, and I’m not about to start now.  I’m going to give you some tea tree oil that you also can get from the store – it’s mostly natural and should do the trick.”

            “Just as long as my face doesn’t sprout tea or a tree.”

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            The dermatologist entered the exam room.  “Hello, I see the swelling has gone down nicely [thank goodness].”

            “Read my face, doc.”

            “Beg pardon?”

            “My face.  Read the word spelled out on it.”

            The dermatologist stepped back a bit to see the bigger picture.  “W – A – R – exclamation point?  Is this a joke?”

            “I wish I were that funny.  I’m scared, doc – I think they’re this close to rising up and killing me!”

            “Now, now, no need to panic.  I won’t let them get that far.”

            “What?”

            The dermatologist snapped on a pair of gloves.  “Lie down, please.”  The patient lay on her back on the exam table as the dermatologist placed a pair of goggles on her and on herself.  She turned her back to the patient as she began mixing liquids at the counter.  “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but your post-adolescent acne has entered the rebellious teen phase and must be wiped out immediately.  I’ve encountered this type only once before, and it nearly destroyed me.”

            “Destroy – ?”

          “However,” the dermatologist turned back to the patient; she was now holding a steaming cauldron and a ladle.  “Victory was mine then, and it will be mine once more.  Don’t move.”

           The patient froze as the doctor ladled the sub-zero liquid onto her pustulant face.  She lay silent as miniscule screams were heard, until they were cut off abruptly by the sound of ice forming.  The dermatologist then took a hammer and chisel and cracked the layer of ice off the patient’s face, catching the shards of the combination of chemicals and casualties into a bin marked “Biohazard.”  She held a mirror up to the patient’s face.  “Better?”

            The patient gazed in astonishment at her reflection.  “My face!  My wrinkly clear face!  You’re a miracle-worker, doc, how ever did you do it?”

            “Liquid nitrogen, plus one of my own special ingredients.  I’ve found it to be the duct tape of skin care.”