“…
so I was just walking along Main Street, minding my own business, when this
tall guy screeches by in his car and misses me by that much!”
“I’m
glad you’re OK, but what does his being tall have to do with being a bad
driver?”
“Well,
you know how they are behind the wheel.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Look
out, shoplifter at 3:00.”
“Who?”
“That
chick.”
“What
did you see her take?”
“Nothing
yet, but she will soon.”
“How
do you know? She doesn’t have a big bag
or anything – she’s just looking at the magazines.”
“Yeah,
but she’s got a chipped tooth.”
“And…?”
“And,
you know; don’t make me say it.”
“No
I don’t know, so I will make you say it.”
“People
with chipped teeth are the ones who usually shoplift. It’s a proven statistic.”
“Really.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“I
only have my taxes done by him and, you know, his people – they’re the only ones I'd trust with
my money. You know, it’s proven time and
again that they’ve got a head for numbers; they're the ones to go to for both math and investments.”
“Who?”
“People
with soft skin. You can tell right away
that they’re very trustworthy just by their glow.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“We
don’t hire people like you. You’re
shiftless and unreliable.”
“We’ve
interacted for less than a minute, so how could you possibly know if I am or
not?”
“You
have freckles. Anyone I have ever met
with freckles have been no-good dirty bums.”
“So,
pretty much everyone, then?”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“What
a ditz! Doesn’t she know better? I guess she can’t help it; no wonder there’re
all those dumb jokes about dumb girls like her.”
“What
dumb jokes?”
“You
know, the dumb flat feet jokes. They’re
funny because they’re true!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“You
stupid short guy!”
“You
moronic pox-scarred man!”
“Hey,
I can’t help that I have pox scars!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Good
riddance to her – I’m glad she’s gone. I
knew as soon as she came over here that she’d be trouble.”
“Why,
she was loud and obnoxious?”
“No,
she had thick eyebrows and one leg longer than the other. She’ll never be accepted by decent society.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“You
know, the club recently starting making us accept grandparents as
members. I ask you, really, what’s next,
the Moon?!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Tsk. Typical.”
“What
is?”
“Some
[whispers] bearded guy [normal voice] robbed a liquor store. What is that, the second time that’s happened
this month? These guys have gotta get
their acts together, I mean, enough already!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“I
can’t stand them; they ruin everything for the rest of us! They’re a drain on the economy and we’re
expected to take care of them! I wish
they would all go back to where they came from – there, I said it.”
“Who
are you talking about?”
“Infants.”
