Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Story 207: The Office of Proper Perspective

            “Come in!” The Adviser called out in response to the knock on the door.  The Client gingerly opened the door, quickly took in the office, and slightly smiled.  “Have a seat!”  The Adviser gestured to the chair in front of the desk.
          “Thanks,” The Client said, sitting down and alternating between looking quickly at The Adviser and staring at the floor.
            “So,” The Adviser began.  “How did you hear about us?  Referral?”
          “Actually, I saw an ad online when I was, you know.”  The Adviser waited with raised eyebrows.  “Killing time waiting for the long night to finally end.”       
            “I completely understand.  And how can I help you today?”
            “Well, the ad said your company can solve nearly all problems, which everyone knows is impossible, so what’s the angle?”
            “Exactly what the name of our company is.”  The Adviser pointed to a sign on the wall that read “The Office of Proper Perspective.”  “We make you realize that your problems are really not problems at all, once you apply The Proper Perspective.”
            “Oh, OK, I don’t know about that.”
           “Let’s start by you telling me what your problems are at this moment,” The Adviser said while readying a pen and notebook.  “Pretend I’m someone you know really well, and just vent everything you can possibly think of.”
          “All right.”  The Client shift in the seat, thinking for a moment.  “So lately, I feel like everything I do is wrong and I wish it would all be over.”
            The Adviser nodded, not looking up while taking notes.  “Um-hm.  How so?”
         “Well, it’s all about work; I’m sure it’s always about work, right?”  When there was no response, The Client continued: “I’m in a dead-end job I don’t really care about, I can’t keep up with the work, and a few weeks ago two people in my department simultaneously quit so now I have all their work on top of all my work that, as I mentioned two seconds ago, I can’t keep up with!  So in essence, the work tripled while the time remained the same – I swear those two made a pact to get revenge on us or something – and no amount of money would ever make any of this worth it, since I have no time or will to enjoy it!”
            “Um-hm.  Even if it were $1 million an hour?”
            “Maybe – only because then I could retire within a week.”
            “OK.  Anything else?”
            “Any – !  Isn’t this enough?!  I’m going to have a heart attack and drop dead at my desk, and nothing that I did will ever have mattered!”
            “Um-hm.”  The Adviser stopped writing and picked up the notebook to read from.  “In light of the information you’ve given me, I’m going to ask you a few questions.  Question 1: Are you in good health?”
            “Well, yes – ”
            “Sub-question 1: Do you have full use of your faculties – physical, mental, and emotional?”
            “Well, yes – ”
            “Question 2: Do you have an adequate number of still-living relatives, and/or do you have decent relationships with the ones present?”
            “Well, yes – ”
            “Question 3: Are you currently homeless, penniless, and/or loveless?”
            “Well, no – ”
            “Question 4: Are you currently the plaintiff or defendant in a lawsuit?”
            “Well, no – ”
            “Question 5: Are you currently the target of an obsessive stalker and/or other pervert?”
            “No!”
            “Question 6: Are your current co-workers and/or boss horrible trolls who make your days a living Purgatory?”
            “Well, no, they’re pretty decent; it’s not their fault all this happened – ”
           “Final Question: Do you always have something to look forward to outside of your work day?”
            “Well, yes, my family and friends – ”
            The Adviser set down the notebook and looked at The Client.  “So.  Tell me how you feel about your problems now.”
            The Client squirmed a bit and mumbled: “I guess when you put it like that – ”
            “I’m sorry, what was that?”
         “I said, I get it!”  The Client looked up from the floor.  “Whatever problems I have are temporary and aren’t as bad as what I could have wrong with my life.  You’re right, and I feel slightly better about the whole thing: is that it?”
            “Lovely.  You can pay the bill at the front desk – have a nice day!”  The Adviser waved at The Client, who half-heartedly returned it on the way out the door.
            Two minutes later: “Come in!”
            A face popped in: “Is this ‘The Office of Hugs for Horrible Lives’?”
            “That’s back out in the hall, second door on the left.”

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