Story 146: Reply All or Nothing

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: Survey

            Please complete the annual company survey at https://---------.---.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Hi,

Will we be penalized for not completing the survey?  My heart’s just not in it right now.

            Thanks,

            Brian

To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Brian,

The answer to your question, for anyone else who also may ask it, is no.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Can I come in tomorrow to talk about the raise I didn’t get?

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

All Users: Please do not select “Reply All” when responding to the original message.

Samantha: Please call your local Human Resources office and make an appointment.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources.

            To: All Users

            From: Tyler Y.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Hi, can I take the survey for my boss?  He’s out on leave but wanted to contribute his input.

            Tyler

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

            Tyler and anyone else who may want to ask the same question: Clearly not.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            No one’s answering in the office – can you help me with my raise????

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

Samantha: Please leave a message with your local Human Resources office and someone will get back to you.

            All Users: Please do not select “Reply All” when responding to the original message.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Brian again – I think I will do the survey after all, now that I think about it.  Is that all right or have I already been disqualified?

            Thanks,

            Brian

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

All Users: The survey is accessed by entering your ID number – no one is ever blocked and the number can only be used once.

            Please direct all further questions to this e-mail address: ---@---.---.

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Tyler Y.

            Subject: RE: Survey

One more question: can I do the survey for my co-worker who’s also out on leave?

Tyler

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD EVERYONE STOP HITTING REPLY ALL!!!!  HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE TOLD IN THE SAME E-MAIL THREAD??!!!???  NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ISSUES AND YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELVES APPEAR OBTUSE!!!!! YOU ALL SHOULD BE FIRED FOR FAILURE TO FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!!!!

            INCOMPREHENSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Tyler: The answer to every question you will ever have on this subject is “No.”

            Thank you,

            Human Resources

            To: All Users

            From: Samantha K.

            Subject: RE: Survey

            No one has returned my message yet – should I try calling them again?

            To: All Users

            From: Human Resources

            Subject: RE: Survey

Automated Message: This user has resigned due to the effects of the infinite feedback loop created by a paradox of insanity – please direct all further inquiries to ComprehendE-mailUse@LearnBasicComputing.com.

            To: All Users

            From: Brian F.

            Subject: RE: Survey

Hi, 

It’s Brian again: I wanted to let you know that I decided not to take the survey after all – there’s just too much pressure on me right now.  Is that all right?

            Thanks a bunch!

            Brian

Story 145: You Don’t Get What You Want, You Get What You Need

            “I can’t believe I got passed over for promotion again!  I mean, I know I’m always late to work and I underproduce, but I’ve been there long enough, by golly, I deserve advancement!”

            “Yeah, I think you’re better off where you are now.”

            “And where is that, not promoted?!”

            “Not fired.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Yet another losing lotto ticket, why am I always surprised?  Why can’t I ever win the $100 million jackpot – I’ve got bills to pay and yachts to buy!”

            “Don’t you also have those cousins who keep asking you for money, and the only way you get them to go away each time is because you’re legitimately almost-broke?  What about greedy relatives you don’t even know you have right now, or con artists, or outright thieves – what’re they going to do to you when they find out you have $100 million?  Minus taxes?”

            “Maybe I can just win the $5,000 jackpot, then.  Minus taxes.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “So close!  I was so close to buying my dream house, and some nameless shadow swoops in with a ridiculously higher offer!  That was my house, man!  If it felt so right, how could the universe have snatched it away from me at the last minute like that?!”

            “You’re still going on about this?  It was over a year ago!”

            “I will always be bitter.”

          “You do realize that house was in the development that was just demolished for the new bypass, don’t you?  If you had bought it then, you would’ve had to find a new dream house all over again anyway.”

            “I don’t care, it’s the principle of the thing!  It was mine and that guy nabbed it!”

            “Joke’s on him then, I guess.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

          “I was supposed to spend the summer relaxing by the shore, and instead I’m spending it trekking to doctor’s offices and hospitals getting treatments for inconvenient growths!  What a pain in the neck!”

            “You want to see next summer?”

            “…Point taken.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “Aw, rain all day right when we’re having our big party!  Why can’t it be nice and dry all summer long?”

            “We’ve had a drought for a month – the reservoir’ll finally be filled and the crops will stop dying.”

             “Yeah yeah, but couldn’t all that have happened tomorrow?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “I was all set to adopt that cute little kitten in the store, and then my friend up and moves and gives me her extremely old cat to take in!  I can’t get the cute little kitten now that I’ve got this old dude, it’s so unfair!”

            “I bet that old cat really needed you, though – he had to leave his mom and go to a new home at his age, so at least he’s not in a shelter.”

            “I guess, and he’s not as raucous as I was prepared for with the kitten, and he’s clean and quiet and pretty cuddly and stop making me notice the benefits of the extremely old cat!”

            “You sure do complain a lot.”