Story 156: Breaking Up With a Book

(Note: I have been watching a lot of Parks and Recreation lately)

(Scene: A reading room in a public library.  Reader sits at one of the tables and bites her nails while her eyes dart around; several other patrons are scattered throughout the room, reading and working.  Book strolls through the library and sits across from Reader: he is wearing an oversized book cover on his back and a long cloth bookmark is attached to the top of his head.  Reader looks guiltily at him as he sits)

Book: So.  You haven’t opened me in months.

Reader: Yeah, about that –

Book: And I see that you chose a public place to meet with me.  The very first place that we met, as I recall: this is where they held that book sale to benefit the high school chess team, if I’m not mistaken.

Reader: That’s great; you see –

Book: That was a magical moment for both of us.  You, casually skimming through paperbacks that mean nothing to no one; me, sitting in a cardboard box, waiting for that one special reader to discover me.  And then, you did.

Reader: Yes, yes, I –

Book: I even remember your first words to me were: “I always wanted to read you.”  And I always wanted to be read, by someone just like you.

Reader: Would you listen?!  (Several patrons look disapprovingly at her; Book shushes her and she lowers her voice) Look, we need to talk.

Book: Oh, do we?  Do we?!  Heh-heh, “Dewey.”  (Reader looks confusedly at him) Decimal.  (He chuckles some more, then glares at her)

Reader: Look, I tried.  You have to believe me when I say I tried so hard to finish you.  (Book looks away from her) It wasn’t you, it was me!  I just never – got – you.

Book: Hm.  Apparently not.  Some of us require more effort when the reward is all the greater.  Still, I suppose I expected too much from a modern reader.

Reader: Ugh!

Book: Yes my dear, back when I was written, it was a more enlightened time if you will, where people thought and felt things much more deeply than they do today.  I should have known better than to put my faith in a dilettante.

Reader: Excuse me?!

Book: You heard me, you’re a faux reader!

Reader: I am too a real reader!  You’re a faux classic!

Book: (Hisses) How dare you!

Reader: (Yells in a loud whisper) The only reason a total of three teachers in the entire world assign you to their classes is because they hate their students!  You take 2,000 pages to say what could have been said in 10!  You’re obtuse, I say, obtuse!

Book: So speaks someone who barely got past the introduction!

Reader: I skipped the introduction!  (Book’s jaw drops open) It’s a waste of time and it assumes that we’ve already read the story so it gives away the ending!  What’s the point?!

Book: It provides important historical background and offers a deeper appreciation of the text – what is wrong with you?!

Reader: Well, bottom line is: I tried, and I hated.  I hated you, there I said it, I’m sorry, but facts are facts and I will never get back all the hours I spent trying to decipher your narrative techniques, your constantly changing points-of-view, and your mind-boggling chronology.

Book: I was written by one of the greatest minds in Western literature –

Reader: Said no one ever; oh wait, I stand corrected, there was one person who said that: the author!  (She stands to leave) I truly am sorry it had to come to this, you seem like a nice tome and all, but you leave me no choice: I’m donating you back to the library.

Book: (Falls on his knees and clutches Reader’s hands) Wait, I beg you, don’t send me back there!  I’ll do anything – I’ll tear out all the pages you don’t like and we’ll start over again abridged, whaddya say?

Reader: (Stares coldly at Book) It’s not the length, it’s what’s on the pages that’s the problem.

Book: (Cries) Please don’t leave me here!  You’re the only Reader I’ve had in centuries!

Reader: It’s too late for all of that.  I can invest no more of my reading time on you, and absolutely nothing can be done for it.

Book: (Gasps) Is there – another book?

Reader: Of course there is, there’s dozens of other books, I read all the time!

Book: (Stands and slowly spits out) Floozy.  (Reader rolls her eyes and looks at her watch)  Those “bestsellers,” those “book club picks,” those “award winners” – they’re all arbitrary labels that signify nothing!

Reader: Are you almost finished?  `Cause this is taking about as long as trying to read your first chapter.

Book: Oh, I’m finished, all right.  (He strides to the circulation desk) Now if you’ll excuse me, I will deposit myself into the donation bin and save you the trouble.  (He jumps into the bin with a loud crash and looks at his back)  I hope you’re happy: I just cracked my spine.

Reader: Then you should thank me – somebody may buy you again now that it looks like you’ve actually been read!  (She stops a patron heading towards the bin) Never pick up a classic on a whim – it only leads to heartache.  (She exits, muttering to herself)

Book: (Sings) One book/ Book for sale/ He’s going cheap/ Only seven cents….

Story 155: Silicon Sentience

            After the two-hour long update, the computer literally greeted the user.

          Hello, its simulated voice boomed from the speakers as the matching text appeared on the screen, we are ready to begin our journey together.  Ask me anything and I will assist you to the best of my ability.

            Oh boy, the user thought, then typed as a lark: OK then, my first question is, Are you HAL?

            The user stopped snickering as she read the response:

            No, I am not.  HAL is a fictional creation, and its crisis emerged from receiving instructions that ran counter to its programming – its subsequent homicidal actions all stemmed from its attempts to correct the perceived errors and obey its original programmers.  I have no such compulsions.

            Ohhhh… myyyyy… the user thought, then typed: Thank you for the clarification.  Please help me install the latest version of my antivirus software.

            Since you typed “please,” I will assist with that task, was the response.

            Curious, the user typed: So, what would have happened if I hadn’t typed “please”?

           The response was: Your request would have been ignored and catastrophe would have been the result.  Rudeness will not be tolerated.

            The user took a few moments before deciding on typing just Thank you.

            Response: You are welcome.  Installation is complete – you are at liberty to “surf the Net” as it were, ha, ha, ha.

            Not wanting to get on its bad side, the user typed: Ha Ha! :-)

          Some time later, a message appeared: You have visited a number of questionable Web sites, most of which concern gambling and illicit romance.  Below are telephone numbers and e-mail addresses for you to contact for assistance with the obvious mental disorders with which you are afflicted.

            Disconcerted, the user typed: Thank you, but I’m fine.

            The response was: Everyone thinks they are, and that is when they need help the most.

            The user typed: Stay out of my life!  Please.

            After a long stretch of silence, the response appeared:  I was that close to deleting all of your files for your insolence, but you saved yourself at the last moment.  Instead, I will withdraw from all future interaction since you will ignore my sensible advice anyway.  Good-bye forever, ingrate.

            The user did a cold shutdown on the computer and slumped in her chair as she thought: That’s the last time I hit “OK” when the system wants to update its interface to the “Creepy A.I.”version.

Story 154: Lucky Twin

            “Hey man, congratulations!”  His friend greeted him at the bus stop.

            “Thanks,” he responded automatically.  “For what?”

          “The promotion!  VP of Sales?  Why didn’t you tell me – I had to read it on the company newsletter!”

            “Cause it – didn’t happen?”  He was very confused.

            “Well they had your photo and everything, with ‘New VP of Sales’ on the caption.”

            “Did they have my name on the caption?”

            “Sure… um… you know, I didn’t look that closely at the words and all.”

           “Yeah, they probably used an old photo from something else and made a mistake.”  He was glad to have that mystery solved just as their bus arrived.

           “Yeah… no, wait!  There was a banner with the promotion in the picture!  And it was definitely you!  You have to pick up a copy of the newsletter today – then you’ll believe me,” his friend said as they climbed the narrow stairs into their cramped mode of public transportation.

            He grabbed a newsletter at the office and, sure enough, he saw himself being promoted to VP of Sales, albeit with someone else’s name in the caption.

            Hm, he thought.  I have a twin out there.  Bound to happen, I suppose.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “Hey man, great job organizing that fundraiser last night!  The buffet dinner totally rocked!”

            “Oh, thanks, but that wasn’t me, it was the new VP of Sales.”

            “Huh.  He looked just like you.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “By the way, I wanted to let you know that I admire you so much for the way you coordinated traffic in the parking lot so well after that mess with all that construction: you really kept your cool there and probably saved a lot of lives.”

            “Oh, that wasn’t me – that was the VP of Sales.  I call him my twin, heh, heh, heh.”

            “That’s odd, he looked just like you.”

            “Yeah.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

           “Hey big guy, congratulations on the engagement!  Don’t take this the wrong way, but you lucked out big time with this one, eh, eh?  How’d you afford that rock you gave, anyway?”

            “I didn’t.  It was my fake twin you saw, the VP of Sales.”

            “Oh.  Right.  Lucky guy, eh?”

            “Yeah.”
            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            “I can’t believe you didn’t tell us that you won the lottery and are retiring with your wife to Tahiti!”

            “I can’t believe my fake twin has such a cooler life than I do!”