Thank you for being such a loyal customer all these years. Our records show that you have bought several automobiles at this dealership, you always have them serviced at this location, you have referred other buyers here, etc., etc. We really appreciate it; such behavior is increasingly infrequent nowadays.
We turn to you once again, constant patron. We recently have found ourselves in a bind where, for reasons that we are reluctant to share, we need more cars to sell. Cars that are only a few years old, well-maintained, still have the original paint, the works. Bottom line: we specifically need your car.
We need it, and we need it desperately. All the cars currently on our lot are absolute garbage, and only yours will do. We actually are willing to pay you more than you would ever see with a regular trade-in deal, plus we will even take money off any other new car you want from us – any one that is not absolute garbage, that is. You will never find a better deal, not ever.
So please. Sell us your scrumptious, irresistible car. You will not have cause to regret it, trust us. What do you have to lose? Nothing, that is what.
Your Local Car Dealership
Dear Local Car Dealership,
We write to you at the metaphorical end of our metaphorical rope: we need your car by this Saturday, and we will offer you the amount that you originally paid for it. If that does not adequately communicate our dire straits to you, we do not know what would.
Please hand over your car to us on Saturday – we also will be giving out free candy bars that day, if that is your thing.
Your Local Car Dealership
You are not getting my car. At least not until after I’ve driven it into the ground, when it’ll be no good to anybody anyway.
Stop writing to me.
Dear Kind Customer,
I, a desperate man, write to you today to appeal to your humanity. If you ever wanted to save lives and be a hero, for the love of all that is good in this world please sell us back your car ASAP. You can drive any other car you want right off the lot, no fees, nothing – we do not care. Just please, look into your heart and choose justice.
With love and affection,
Manager, Your Local Car Dealership
I’m intrigued – you’re still never getting my car, but why do you need it so badly?
None of your business why, just give us the car! Please.
Hmmm, no. Good luck with the whole life-saving business, ahahahahaha!
This letter is to inform you that Your Local Car Dealership is no more. It did not go out of business: it simply ceased to be. Apparently, it could have been saved if only your specific car had been brought in to anchor it onto this realm, but alas, `twas not meant to be. For future service appointments, please contact us, Your Distant Car Dealership.
Regards to you and yours,
Your Distant Car Dealership
Dear Distant Car Dealership,
Learn from them and next time don’t send cryptic letters!
Your Former Customer