Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Story 182: The Professional Interviewee



         “There, there,” the Interviewer verbally patted the latest applicant on his shaking shoulder.  “You didn’t do that terribly.”
            The applicant looked up sharply.  “Does that mean I got the job?”
            “No.  Off you go.”  The applicant slunk out to begin his search anew.
          The Interviewer sighed as she moved on to the next résumé: how was she supposed to get any work done when she kept having to meet with people for randomly open positions?  She had the nagging feeling that her increasingly backed-up work eventually would cause her own position to randomly open as well.
            She quickly rescanned the résumé she had read some time earlier.  Everything on the surface seemed to be in order: no significant gaps, good experience, currently employed in the same field.  Maybe this would be The One, she thought, then called her assistant to send Maybe The One in.
            The Interviewer stood as the Applicant threw open the door.
           “Hi,” the Applicant said, walking around the room a bit, “nice company you’ve got here; I really like the décor.”  She closed the door behind her and plopped herself into the seat across from the Interviewer’s desk, slouching a bit to get more comfortable.
           The Interviewer was loath to end a session just as it started, so she soldiered on by sitting back down and attempting to regain control by introducing herself.
            “Yes, we spoke on the phone, my name is – ”
            “I remember who you are; you seemed nice,” the Applicant said as she rummaged through her messenger bag, adding: “Feel free to sit, make yourself comfortable.”  The way in which she said that compelled the Interviewer to do as suggested and she sat back down in her chair.
          Straightening items on her desk to assert some semblance of authority, the Interviewer tried again: “So, what led you to apply to our company?”
            “I need money and you guys have a lot of it.”
            “Yes, well, besides that – ”
            “Aha!  Here we go.”  The Applicant whipped out a packet of papers and sat straighter in the chair.  “Right, let’s get started,” she said, glancing at the packet and then back at the Interviewer.
            “Excuse me?”
            Ignoring that, the Applicant continued: “You’ve read my résumé, you called me in because you are seriously considering having me work for you guys, my first question is this: what’s in it for me?”
            “I, uh, what?”
          “Aside from the salary, which obviously needs to be negotiated upward, why should I, with multitudes of life options, want to devote a good chunk of my waking hours and caring about something other than myself to your company?”
            “Well, we have good benefits – ”
            “Define ‘good.’”
            “Medical, dental, vision; plus three weeks’ vacation a year.”
            The Applicant was scribbling furiously on the packet.  “Go on: retirement plan?”
            “Yes, a 403b.”
            “Hm.”  She tapped her pen against her chin.  “I’m always a bit leery when it’s not an `01k.”
            “It’s practically the same thing.”
            “‘Practically’ is not ‘equal to.’  No matter: moving on to day-to-day operations.  What is the lay of the land around the office?”
            “Um, let’s see, you’d be working in a cubicle, so you’d have some privacy, but we have daily meetings within our department.”
            Scribble-scribble.  “Uh-huh.  And who makes up this department?”
            “Oh, there’re about 10 people – ”
            “No-no-no, I mean what types of people make up the department?  Who’s the slacker, who’s the alpha – clearly not you – ” the Interviewer ground her teeth, “who’s the workaholic, who’s the alcoholic, who’s the drama queen, who’s the underminer, are these all actually the same person, I need names!”
            “I can introduce you to everyone later – ”
            “That’s fine.”  The Applicant flipped ahead a few pages.  “Here’s a good one: I always clock in five minutes late – it’s not intentional, it just is – and I always clock out five minutes late, will that be a problem?”
            The Interviewer thought about the three employees who clocked in 15 minutes late every day and sat around at their end of their shifts; her continuous docking of their pay had no effect whatsoever.  “Well, no, if you’re working the eight hours, five minutes won’t make much difference.”
            “Good – it’s not as if we’re needed on time to start surgery here, am-I-right?”
            “I suppose.”
            The Applicant flipped to the end of her packet.  “Ah, this one: what would you say are your three greatest strengths and three greatest weaknesses?”
            “I really should be the one asking you that,” the Interviewer replied.
            “Let’s agree to disagree.”  The Applicant sped read the last page.  “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
            “I’m supposed to be asking you that!”
            “I asked you first.”
            Fair enough.  “All right, I see myself right here as I am now.”
            The Applicant began writing again: “Not – much – ambition – ”
          “Where do you see yourself in five years?”  The Interviewer snapped, then thought, “Please don’t say ‘At your desk with your title.’”
            The Applicant did not look up from writing.  “In the job I have right now.”
            “Oh… what?”
           The Applicant finished, put her materials away, and stood.  “Yes, this has all been lovely; thank you very much for your time; you’ve been a great interviewer.”  She held out her hand and the Interviewer automatically stood and shook it.
            “Wait a minute, you’re not actually interested in the position?”
            “No, I’m not.  Was that unclear?”
            “Extremely!  Why did you apply and come in for an interview then?”
            “I like to keep my skills sharp.  Oh, before I forget,” she reached into her suit jacket pocket, pulled out a pin, and handed it to the Interviewer.  “You’re my 500th.”
            A response seemed to be expected.  “Thank you?”
            “Not at all,” the Faux Applicant said on her way out, “I love meeting new people!”  The door closed gently behind her.
            The Interviewer stared at the 500th pin and mused on how one certainly does learn something new every day.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Story 181: Looking For Love – In A Movie



            Announcer: Are you tired of the singles scene?  Are you tired of the committed relationships scene?  Do you yearn for the kind of romance that seems to exist only on film and is over before the end credits roll?  Well, you’re going to have to keep on yearning because we already selected our final contestants.  In the meantime, continue with your voyeuristic and vicarious viewing with our new show:

[Title appears: Looking For Love – In A Movie]

            (Montage of adults ages 21-34 being interviewed)
           Announcer (Voiceover): We searched high and low for the perfect couple who would most appreciate the opportunity to experience thrilling adventure, meaningful life lessons, and steamy one-shot hookups in an average tropical paradise.  Failing that, we settled for the two hottest straight people with similar opinions we could find.
            (Shot of a woman facing the camera: the caption at the bottom of the screen reads “Sofia, Age 28, Paralegal/Amateur Thrill-Seeker”)
            Sofia: What I’m looking for in a movie-style romance is a guy who’s impossibly handsome yet improbably kind, but not a pushover, know-what-I-mean?  Good to his family, and has friends who aren’t, you know, boors.
            Announcer (V.O.): Bores?
            Sofia: Boooors.  You know: animals.
            Announcer (V.O.): I see.
            (Shot of a man facing the camera: the caption at the bottom of the screen reads “Dafydd, Age 28, Construction Worker/Amateur Thrill-Seeker”)
            Dafydd: What I’m looking for in a movie-style romance is a girl who lets me be who I need to be.  I want adventure, lots and lots of adventure, so when that’s happening she can’t be all clingy; on the flip side, she also can’t be more competent than I am.  None of this “I need her to save my life figuratively AND literally” nonsense: the only lives she should be saving are those of an extremely close friend or a first-degree relative.  Also, please, I don’t want anyone who’s a screamer; no whiners, constant complainers, criers –
            Sofia: He should be strong, but not so strong that I’m afraid for my life when we’re hugging.  And he should be sensitive to the point that he respects other people’s feelings and he can cry, but not to where he’s bawling over anyone who isn’t his best friend or a parent.  Yeah, I’d like a few tears.
            Dafydd: – hags, nags, shrills, shrews –
           Sofia: Absolutely ready to sacrifice his life for me or, you know, a worthy cause: nobility is such a turn-on.
          Dafydd: – Mummy issues, Daddy issues, social anxiety issues, body image issues – listen ladies, I can’t speak for my fellow hetero men, but I can assure you that whatever flaws you say you have mean nothing once the clothes come off.  Neanderthal, perhaps, yet ironically progressive.
           Sofia: I think I mentioned this already: he has to be drop-dead gorgeous.  If he knows he is, though, that’s a deal-breaker.
            Dafydd: Bottom line: no b----es.  Can I say “b----” on this?
            Announcer (V.O.): No.
         Dafydd: Oh.  (Smiles with an “aha” moment) No witches.  Seriously, I mean it: no actual practicing witches.
            Announcer (V.O.): Why not?
            Dafydd: They have more power than I do.
            Sofia: Basically, he can’t be a d---.  Can I say “d---” on this?
            Announcer (V.O.): No.
            Sofia: Hm.  How about “jerk?”
            Announcer (V.O.): Sure.
            Sofia: (Mulls this over) Doesn’t have the same effect.
            (Cut to an average tropical paradise)
          Announcer: (Standing in front of the ocean) Without formal introductions, we delivered our movie romance couple onto this beach to set the mood.  (Camera pans over to a plane engulfed in flames – the flight crew members battle the fires as our heroes run away from the wreckage.  Dafydd eventually carries Sofia into the jungle and drops her off by a stream)
            Sofia: I was all right, but thanks anyway!
           Dafydd: Can’t talk – must go save the others!  (He starts to run back to the plane, but he sees that the fires have been extinguished and everyone is taking a lunch break)  Oh.  (He turns back to Sofia) It’s too late for the rest of them – I can’t face it again – it brings back such horrible memories of all those coal mine fires in my hometown in Wales.
            Sofia: Oh my.  Are you a coal miner?
            Dafydd: Would you like me to be?
            Sofia: I’m just asking if you are or not.
           Dafydd: Don’t get all judgemental on me!  You’re such a princess; I bet you’ve never done real work a day in your life!
            Sofia: Wait, are we doing the “Hate/Lust at First Sight” angle?  I thought we were doing the “Bonding Over Shared Peril” one.
            Dafydd: Those are just two sides of the same coin to me.
            (Announcer jogs onto the scene)
         Announcer: Right, sorry Sofia, we gave you the wrong set of notes: you’re doing the “Hate/Lust at First Sight” storyline; it seemed to fit your personalities better and audiences supposedly love it.
            Sofia: Oh, OK, just so we’re all on the same page.
            Announcer: Great!  (She gives them two thumbs-up and jogs off-screen)
            Sofia: All right then.  (She turns back to Dafydd) Listen punk, I don’t care how much trauma you claim you’ve suffered or how hot you are: no one speaks to me like that, no one!  I’ve faced legal briefs more intimidating than you!
            Dafydd: Ugh, you’re a lawyer?
            Sofia: Heck no, I’m a paralegal.
            Dafydd: Potato, potahto.
            Sofia: You still never answered my question: are you a coal miner?
            Dafydd: No!  I’m a construction worker.
            Sofia: Oh.
            Dafydd: Knew it!  Such a princess!
            Sofia: That was a non-committal “Oh!”  You’re such a meathead!
            Dafydd: Am not!  I work hard to take care of my family and I bury my feelings every day so they won’t overwhelm me!  You’re a parasitic snob!
            Sofia: Am not!  I help represent the poorest of the poor and I can’t sleep at night with all the injustice in the world!
            (They pause, gasping for breath)
            Dafydd: Wanna make out?
            Sofia: Yep.  (They make out)
            (Cut to Announcer holding a cocktail while strolling along the beach in the moonlight)
            Announcer: Well, things certainly have progressed rapidly.  We had a whole obstacle course for one of them to save the other from molten lava and venomous snakes, all while fighting their conflicted feelings – and each other – but now that all seems rather pointless.  (The camera pans over to the couple snuggling in beach chairs by the water) Excuse me!  (They turn to her) So how’s everything?
            Dafydd: Couldn’t be better.
            Sofia: I’ve never been happier in my entire life.
           Announcer: We have another week and a half booked here, so I’d like to go over the itinerary with you –
            Sofia: Sure thing, but just to clarify, he and I never have to see each other ever again after the show’s over, right?
            Announcer: Well no, that’s sort of the whole point, unless you want to –
            Dafydd and Sofia: No-no-no-no-
          Dafydd: This is perfect: exciting romance with none of the dangers involved in a one-night stand or the years of mutual resentment in every other long-term relationship on this planet.
            Sofia: It’s a dream come true!  And I’ll treasure it always because it’ll be over forever really soon!
            Announcer: (To camera) I think this worked out a little too well.  (Checks alert on phone) Oh, look at that: a class-action lawsuit has just been filed against the network by every business involved in the dating and wedding industries.  (Back to the camera) Thank you for joining us in our first and only season.  Until my next show, keep watching movies and living in a dream world: it’s the only way to endure.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Story 180: Automobile’s Lament



            I wait for you all day while you’re at work
            I wait for you all through the night
            Through sun, through snow, through rain, and no,
            Abandoning someone this long is not right.
           
            Would it be asking too much for you to change the oil?
            Would cleaning the undercarriage of salt burden your soul?
            Would windshield wiper fluid break the bank?
            Would a vacuum over the seat cushions take a toll?

            I never complain about my loneliness and sorrow
            While you stay snug inside your cozy home
While you go off to a party that ends with the sunrise
            I always must be ready to roam.

            You only notice me when my parts aren’t working
            Or when I am covered in ice
            Or when we are in a collision
            Seeing me for me would be nice.

            I will wait for you all the days you ride a bus
            I will wait for you when you vacation far away
            I will wait for you when you inevitably trade me in
            I will wait for you….