Thursday, January 15, 2015

Story 65: The Witch Department



            “Hello, thank you for calling --- Company, this call may be recorded for quality purposes, my name is Maria, how may I assist you?”
            “Yeah, I’d like to lodge a complaint – could you transfer me to the Witch Department?”
            “I’m sorry, which department?”
            “Don’t play coy with me – I’m in a witchy mood, but you sound nice and if I yell at you I’ll feel bad later, so I need to speak with a fellow witch so we can yell at each other.”
            “One moment, please.”
            “Hello, Witch Department, this is Todd.”
            “Hold on – you’re a guy?!”
            “Hey, just because I’m a guy doesn’t mean I can’t be a witch – I find that view sexist and inaccurate!”
            “Now that I think about it, most of the guys I know are witches, so I stand corrected.  Can we start over?”
            “Sure – what seems to be the problem?”
            “Well, Todd, the problem seems to be that your product is garbage and doesn’t work!”
            “Let’s back up the train a bit.  First of all, I didn’t make the thing, so it isn’t my product.”’
            “Right now, you have the awesome responsibility of speaking with the company’s voice, so yeah, it’s yours!”
            “Second, did you use the product outside of its intended purpose?”
            “Of course not!  Are you calling me an idiot?!  And why would I even admit to it if I did?”
            “Have to ask, if later it turns out you’re a liar.”
            “You – !”
            “Thirdly, did you try replacing the batteries?”
            “Ye – no I didn’t.”
            “Then maybe replace them before wasting any more of my time!”
            “You people should have put in a ‘low battery’ indicator!”
            “‘We people’ did!  Did you even look for it?!”
            “Of course I – oh, yes, there it is.  Well, it should be bigger!”
            “It should be this, it should have that: maybe it should have a brain so it can think for you, too!”
            “Oooh, I’m never buying anything from you people again!”
            “Good, then our phone lines won’t be tied up with all your non-problems!”
            “I’m telling all my friends and the media that this company is awful!”
            “You’d be the only one with that opinion, so no one would care.”
            “That’s it!  I’m throwing this thing out and I want a refund!”
            “This call is being recorded for quality purposes – so, no.”
            “Phew.  That was very satisfying.  I feel comfortable that all my options have been exhausted.  I’ll go back to using the piece of garbage.”
            “That’s good to hear.  Is there any other way that I can assist you today?”
            “No, thank you – you did splendidly.  It’s nice to yell with someone who speaks the same language of Witch.”
            “Well, like knows like.  You have a good day!”

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Story 64: Board Game Battlefield



Player 1: Is it my turn?
Player 2: Just because I’m thinking before making a move doesn’t mean it’s your turn.
Player 1: I lost track and thought everyone was waiting for me.
(Player 2 moves a game piece)
            Player 3: Argh, you’re sending me back 20 spaces again?!
            Player 2: Have to – it’s in the rules.
            Player 3: (Moves piece back 20 spaces) I think we’re reading them wrong.
            Player 4: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Ha!  I landed on the green space!  Give me all the tokens!
            Player 2: You don’t get all the tokens, you just get half the tokens.
            Player 4: Close enough!  (Scoops in half the tokens)
            Player 1: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Does this mean I get to take The Bank?
            Player 2: You can keep it, or trade it in for a chance to advance to two spaces away from The End.
            Player 1: I’ll do it!  I’ll risk it all!  (Risks it all and fails)
            Player 2: Now you lose both a turn and any hope of a lead.
            Player 1: Curses!  Why didn’t I keep The Bank?!
            Player 3: Heh, no one keeps The Bank.
            Player 2: (Rolls dice and moves piece) I get to pick a card!
            Players 1, 3, and 4: Oooooooooooooh.
            Player 2: (Reads from the card) “Congratulations!  You have been chosen to sacrifice your game piece to save The Company.”  Did I just lose?
            Player 4: (Reads the instructions) `Fraid so, mate.  Thanks for playing.
            Player 2: Grumble, that’s the stupidest way to lose, grumble, ever, grumble.
            Player 3: Now, anything can happen.
            Player 1: Don’t say that!  You’ll jinx us all!
            Player 3: (Rolls dice and moves piece) Woo-hoo!  I’m almost at The End!
            Player 4: (Rolls dice and moves piece) And I actually am at The End!  I win, I win, you all lose!
            Player 1: Yes, you beat us all, can you leave now?
            Player 4: With pleasure.  (Leaves the game table and exits into a corporate board room.  Standing at the head of the table, Player 4 addresses the board members) Good news, people: I have been declared the victor, and we will now begin the process of assuming complete control over all three of your companies.  So moved!
            (The board members from the other companies leave with ashen faces)
            Player 4: (To Players 1, 2, and 3, who are leaving with their board members) See, wasn’t this so much better than a hostile takeover?
            Player 2: This still is a hostile takeover!
            Player 4: Yes, but we didn't know which one of us would triumph, and who wants to sit through a bidding war and poison pills?  This way is much more sporting. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Story 63: New Years



            Year 1:
“Thank you so much for inviting me to your New Year’s party!  I brought the chips and dip!
            “Awesome!  Just set them down on the long table.”
            “Sure – oh, man!  I brought the dip and forget the chips!”
            “Don’t worry about it; we’ve got enough food and we can use the dip for something else here.”
            “Thanks.  Guess I know what my New Year’s resolution this year’s gonna be, eh?  Next time, don’t forget the chips, ahahahaha!”
            Year 2:
“OK, this year instead of chips and dip I made pigs-in-a-blanket.  One-stop shopping.”
            “Thanks.  Do you need help getting the stuff out of your car?”
            “…No, because they’re still sitting on my kitchen counter where I set them down while I got out my keys.  I’ll go back and get them!”
            “Don’t bother, we’ll be having dinner by the time you got there and back; just enjoy yourself.”
            “I don’t think I can now, but thanks anyway.”
            Year 3:
            “I got the drinks you asked for!  Success!”
            “Great!  Set them down on the table here, please.  Do you have the corkscrew?”
            “I thought you said you had one?”
            “No, I said mine broke and you offered to get one.”
            “That does sound like me.  Do you think we could steam these open, or break them against the wall?”
            “No, I’ll do a run later, and we have extra soda.”
            “Please don’t let anyone kill me.”
            Year 4:
            “Chocolate fountain!  I even brought stuff to dip in it – graham crackers, marshmallows, fruit, and cups if you want to drink the stuff!”
            “Splendid!  I’ll help you – we can use this pot for melting.  Where’d you put the chocolate?”
            “…Son of a – !”
            Year 5:
            “I brought nothing this year, but I will help you clean up everything after the party’s over.”
            “That is the best gift anyone could have gotten me.”