Thursday, February 2, 2017

Story 171: Don’t Be Upset; Be Amused



            “I’m tired of letting everything get to me!”  Sheila randomly said to her friend at lunch.  “Nothing matters in the end, and I’m sick of being upset all the time by things I can’t change!”
            “Then don’t be,” her friend answered as he sipped his soda and continued to read his newspaper.  “All emotions are choices: no one goes into your mind and makes you feel anything.”
            “That’s – ” she started to argue, then the figurative light bulb went off above her head, “absolutely GENIUS!  All I have to do is choose to be happy all the time, and nothing will go wrong ever again!”
            “I didn’t say that – ” he started.
            “You’re the best – bye!”  She skipped out of the break room and resumed her duties at the Returns Counter.
            Twenty minutes later…
            “Every time I return something here, you always make life difficult; what do you mean, you can’t take it back because it’s been used?  I told you already: we used it, it’s not what we want anymore, now I want my money back!  It’s that simple; do you really need me to show you how to do your job here, sweetheart?”  The customer finally stopped, waiting for an answer.
            Sheila stared at him.  “You – are – HILARIOUS!”
            “Wha…?”
        “I never noticed until now that every time you come here provides me with unending amusement!  It’s an absolute joy to hear what you’ll come up with next!  Go ahead, give me another one.”  She propped her elbows on the counter and leaned her chin on her hands, waiting expectantly.
            “You sassin’ me?”
            Sheila dissolved into hysterics.  “‘Sassin’!’  I love it!”  Her manager removed her from the Returns Counter for the rest of her shift.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            At a holiday dinner with extended family, Sheila was asked the question she always was asked at those events:
            “Sheila, babe,” her distant cousin said, “when you getting married, huh?  Pretty girl like you, it’s not right – you ain’t getting any younger, you know.”
            “AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”  Sheila’s laughter struck fear into the heart of her distant cousin and all who were present.  She wiped tears from her eyes, then burst into gales of laughter again.
            Her distant cousin awkwardly laughed in reaction: “What, what did I say?”
            “‘Married!’”  Sheila hooted.  “‘Pretty!’  ‘Younger!’  You’re killing me!”
            “What, I’m just saying, the ol’ clock is ticking – ”
            “‘Clock!’”  Sheila buried her face in a dishtowel and howled with laughter into it.  She then raised her head and looked at her distant cousin.  “OK, I’m good now.”  She began howling into the towel again; her distant cousin patted her on the shoulder and moved on.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            In traffic, a car cut off Sheila just as they both were stopping at a red light.  The other driver checked his rear view mirror to confirm that she was flipping him off, and was a bit disturbed to see her laughing and banging the steering wheel with joy.  The other driver had the sensation that he somehow had become the butt of someone else’s joke, and his world became a strange and unfamiliar place.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

          “So, how did your experiment go?”  Sheila’s friend asked when they were next on break together.
            “Experiment?”
            “You know, where you’d choose to be happy and everything would be all right from then on.”
            “Oh, that – amazingly well,” she said.  “I haven’t been upset in days, not once.”
            “You did hear this morning that we’re not getting raises until who knows when, right?”
           “Yeah, that just made realize that I really should get started on that freelance graphic design business that I always keep talking about and never getting around to doing.  Plus I found it amusing that our salaries are getting frozen while the CEO is this close to indictment.  He’s only hurting himself with a move like that; what a character!”
            “Can you share with me whatever you did to your mind?  I want some.”
            “You’re the one who suggested it in the first place!”
            “I was trying to stop your complaining.”
          “And thanks to you, instead of finding the cloud in every silver lining, I now find the pure hilariousness in every single thing.  I never realized before that the world is completely filled with comedians!”

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Story 170: Destination Wedding: Party of Three




            “I’m so glad we’re having our wedding on Easter Island,” Groom-To-Be said to Bride-To-Be.  “I’ve always wanted to go there and see those fascinating yet creepy yet enigmatic statues.”
            “Hon,” Bride-To-Be said while she opened her mail, “we’re getting married at Easter Island so no one actually comes to the wedding.”
            “I know, but I still want to see those things.”
            Bride-To-Be froze after opening a small envelope: “Oh no.”
            “What?”
            “Monique sent back our last RSVP saying she’s attending.”
            “Who?”
           “Monique!  My late Aunt Esmeralda’s goddaughter.  I automatically sent her an invite because she shows up to every family event.  I should’ve seen this coming!”
            “Oh.  So, no big deal, just tell her we cancelled the destination wedding and eloped to City Hall instead.”
            Bride-To-Be stared at him.  “How can I say that and then post our wedding photos with ‘Wish You Were Here’ on them?!”
            “But we don’t wish they were there.”
            “That’s the point!  And now Monique says she’s coming!  What’re we going to do?!”
            “Guess we’ll have to order one more of… everything.  Man!”
            (At the departure gate in the airport)
           “Hi, guys!”  Monique ran to Bride-To-Be and Groom-To-Be and hugged them simultaneously.  She was wearing touristy shorts, shirt, shoes, and shades.  “I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am for you two!”  She turned to Groom-To-Be and shook his hand.  “Hi, I’m Monique, non-blood relative – we haven’t met before today, but I can tell you’re good people.”
“Thanks?”
She turned to Bride-To-Be: “Sweetie, it’s been at least seven years, how grow-up you’ve gotten!  Your parents would be so proud of you!”
            “Thanks, Monique.  We’re so glad you could join us.”
            “So!”  Monique continued as they boarded the plane and took their seats in the same row.  “Who else from the fam will be at the wedding?”
            “Actually, it’s just us three,” Bride-To-Be said.  “Everyone said they couldn’t make it.  Except you.”
            “Aw,” Monique said, with a bit of a sad face.  She then hugged the couple across the seats.  “It’ll be a nice intimate ceremony, then.”
            (At the outdoor wedding ceremony on Easter Island)
            “Monique,” Bride-To-Be said as they walked down the aisle, “you really don’t have to give me away.”
            “Nonsense; in the absence of your parents I’d be remiss in neglecting my duties as the only witness.”
            As Groom-To-Be began getting antsy while waiting on the dais, Monique leaned toward Bride-To-Be and spoke in a low, intense voice: “You nervous?  Afraid he’ll forget his lines?  Afraid you’ll forget your lines?  I’m just kidding, you’ll do great, go get `im!”  She slapped Bride-To-Be lightly on the rear as they reached the dais; she then took the only seat on the ground level.
            The ceremony commenced, with the officiant stopping several times to glare at Monique sharply as the sound of joyful weeping rose to overwhelm his words.  Right before the couple’s vows, she screeched: “I object!”
            “What?!”  The couple turned on her.
            Monique choked out, “I’m sorry, I said that hoping it would calm me down.”  She then wailed, “It didn’t work!”
            After the ceremony, there was a romantic dinner held right next to where the wedding took place.  Two tables were arranged, one for two and one for one.
            Partway through the pasta course, Monique stood and began tapping her glass with her fork.  The couple stared at her.  “Well there really is no one else to give a speech,” she said as she raised her glass.  “I just want to say, we are all blessed to be here on this beautiful night, in this beautiful place, in the shadow of these beautiful statues,” Monique began, gesturing to the distant towering figures; Groom gave them the side-eye.  “I know my late Godmomma, your dear Aunt Esmeralda, would be happy for us all.  And your parents and grandparents and all the rest of them.”  Bride did a double-take.  “I remember when you were yay high,” Monique held her hand two feet off the ground, “and life was just beginning to unfold for you!”
            Forty-five minutes later….
          “And life!  Continues to unfold!  I just, I mean, there are no words.”  Monique sat down, shaking her head and still holding up her glass.
            Groom blinked.  “Is that it?”
            “Oh, you want more?”  She started to stand again.
            “No!”  Bride held out her hands to stop her.  “You’ve already said it all – so – beautifully.  Thank you.”
            Monique sniffed back tears and tilted her glass to them.  “To the happy couple.”
            They raised their glasses to her and all three drank.
           “So,” Monique said after setting her glass down.  “What’s on the agenda for the rest of our trip?”
         “Ooh, I’m glad you asked,” Groom handed her a brochure.  “Solitude Strolls!  They’re self-guided tours that take you across the entire island.  Alone.”
            “Awesome!”  Monique became engrossed in the brochure.  “I’m feeling ready for some ‘me’ time right about now; how about you two?”