Friday, April 17, 2015

Story 78: Cat Translator



[Awaken.  Yawn.  Stretch.  Hungry.  Food.  Go to food.]
            “Morning, sweetie.” 
[Ears scratched.  Satisfies itch and feels nice.  Rub against human leg for more.]
            “Awwww.”  Scratch, scratch, scratch.
[Purrrrrrrr…. Bird!  Must eat bird!]
            “Oh silly, always trying to get outside.”
[Barrier.  Foiled once more by the invisible wall.  Must destroy at some point in the vague future.  Now, need to visit the sand.]
            “I was going to clean that!”
[Prefer fresh sand.  Do not feel clean when sand is dirty.  Toss out some grains to cover up properly and simultaneously express displeasure.]
            “Thanks for making a mess!  You’re lucky I love you.”
[Stroll through room, inexplicably stumble.  Clean leg to disguise shame; sounds of mirth from the humans suggest they are not fooled.]
            “Look, he’s embarrassed!”
[Dignity wounded.  Tired.  Must sleep.  Folded cloths are comfy.]
            “Get off the laundry!”
[Shoved off cloths.   Must find a new sleep place.  Heavy cloth on the couch is comfy.  Turn once, and twice, and thrice, curl up, and sleep.]
            “Cat’s sleeping on my coat again!”
[Awaken!  Flee!  Ooh, a piece of string.  Destroy!]
            “Don’t play with garbage, little one.”
[Why do they take away my prey?  Thirsty.  Water in bowl is dirty.  Stare at it.  Stare at it.  Stare at it.]
            “Fine, I’ll change your water!  So subtle.”
[Took long enough.  Too cold.  Will not drink it.]
            “What, now you don’t want it?”
[Water is now acceptable.  Drink.  Must patrol territory.  Several humans, including The One, are missing from the premises.  Stare at the door to make them arrive.  They do not arrive.  Continue rounds.]
            “I’m gonna vacuum the floors.”
[Noise!  Monster!  Flee!  Hide!  Quiet now.  Safe to emerge from under the bed.  Some smells are now missing – must re-mark territory.]
            “Stop that – you’re dirtying up the walls every time you rub your head on the corners.  And I just cleaned all your fur off the couch!”
[The human emits a string of nonsensical noises – reply in kind.]
            “Don’t ‘meow’ me.  Fresh.”
[There is no pleasing the humans.  Under constant threat of loud noises and forced relocation.  Must find satisfaction elsewhere.  Sleep.  Awaken.  A paper is now on the floor – must make it sing.]
            “He always walks across the newspaper when I leave it on the floor; I wonder why he does that?”
[Paper is vanquished, now must lie on top of it.  Pushed off by one of the humans.  Never can go where desire.]
            “Boy, I tell you, that cat has some life.  He gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.”
[Food.  Where is food?  A human is bringing the dish back; food is inside.  Such dependence, no freedom.  Constant worry about food, water, clean sand, loud noises, strangers, loneliness.  The One also still has not returned.  So much stress.  Better just to sleep; perhaps The One will be here when next awaken.]
            “He looks so peaceful when he’s asleep.”
            “Like I said, he has some life.”
[For comfort, dream of pillows.  Sigh.]

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Story 77: Driving Existentially



            “Sigh,” she said from behind the wheel as they crawled bumper-to-bumper on the parkway.
            “What is it?”  He asked this without looking up from his book.
            “I just realized that my whole life, every decision I’ve ever made, has literally led to this exact moment.”
            “And?”
            “And – is this all there is?  Me breathing in the fumes of the cars around me as I barely move, helpless and trapped by technology and humanity?  If the goal is really the road, or the destination is really the journey, then what if you’re stuck in a traffic jam?”
            “Put on some music and/or have a good conversation with your friends.”
            “Besides that.”
            “Why ‘besides that’?  Can’t that be enough?”
            “Well yes, but besides that I thought there’d be… more.”
            “More what?”
            “I don’t know, meaning!”
            “Meaning to what?  Life?  No one’s ever figured the whole thing out to everyone’s satisfaction, so why should you be the first?  Just enjoy the ride!”
            “I can’t when I feel as if I’m missing something important!”
            “Well, you certainly just missed our exit.”
            “I’m sure that has a deeper meaning to it somehow.”

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Story 76: Reader Rewarded



            “Done!  Gosh, that was a tiresome read.”
            “Oh?  So why didn’t you give up?”
            “I can’t give up; I have to read the entire book without skimming, no matter how boring or painful it is.”
            “Oh, really?”
            “Why do you sound so sinister?”
            “I have a challenge for you – don’t go anywhere.”
            “OK.”
            Time Passes….
            “There you are.  I’m glad I went somewhere – it’s been three weeks!”
            “Yeah, I had to leave the country for this.”  Slams a massive tome onto the table.
            “What is this?”
            “This is the most mind-numbing, convoluted, dense, indecipherable text ever written.  There is no record of a human being ever having finished reading it all the way through to the end.”
            “What’s it called?  ‘The Measurements of the County Land Markings in Accordance With the Taxation of the’…. Did I just fall asleep reading the title?”
            “It gets worse: there’s a longer subtitle inside.”
            “Oh, wow.”
            “I challenge you to read the entire thing, page by never-ending page, from cover to cover.”
            “It’s 5,000 pages long!  And 300 pages of that are end notes, appendices, and indices!”
            “All right, you don’t have to read those parts.  Just where the main body of the work ends on page… 4,692.”
            “All right.  I have to do it now that it’s in front of me.  You sure know how to exploit my compulsion.”
            Time Passes….
            “So, how’s the read-a-thon going?”
            “Well, I almost gave up on page 7, but I soldiered on.  Something very odd happened by page 650, though: all of a sudden, the author started talking about local folklore, and then went off on this epic fantasy saga about warriors, and magic, and time travel, and blue diamonds, and enchanted trees, and so on all the way through the rest of the book.  So many questions were unanswered: did the author drive himself mad while writing about taxes?  Did he see a vision that he felt compelled to document?  Did someone else actually take over and this is really two separate books, bound together forever in error?  All I know is, this is the best book I’ve ever read and I’d actually read it again.  It changed my life.”
            “Really?  Page 650, you say?”
            “Yeah – I guess everyone else just gave up too early.”