I’ve had
the best idea ever: with all those rumors floating around about me allegedly
killing all of my wives, I finally decided, why not make the best of a bad
situation and get people to pay me on top of it? So I built a haunted house attraction "based
upon my life” and will charge visitors to have the bejeezus scared out of
them, thinking that all the horrors they had heard about me are true, right up
until they exit safely out the back door.
Genius, no?
I took my
new wife, Judith, as my first guest, thinking it would be a fun way to start
the marriage (plus I wanted some risk-free feedback before the go-live
date). She’s a great girl, but a little
skittish – who can blame her, seeing as she had to leave her family for me,
especially with my (undeserved) reputation and all? I thought it would be best to make it a
surprise, so I could evaluate her authentic reactions.
“Here’s
our new home!” I announced as we
arrived. The “Bluebeard’s Castle of
Horrors” sign that I had ordered had been hung snugly yet threateningly over
the portcullis, and I made sure that we passed by a hole in the ground with a mound of dirt
and a shovel that could pass for a newly-dug grave.
“Uhhh….”
Judith replied. She’s such a sweetheart.
“Let me
show you around!” I warmly grabbed her
arm and dragged her into the main hall.
The lights obligingly went out and the thunder effect boomed
beautifully.
Judith
screamed as I lit a torch. “Where are
you?!”
“Right
here, my love! Are you scared?” I honestly wanted to know; the first scare
sets the tone for the entire ride.
“N-no,”
she lied, bravely. “I love you,
Bluebeard!”
That was
random. “Love you, too. Now, there are seven doors, all locked –”
“Give me
the keys and open them all!” A little
rushed, there.
“Now, now
– you only get to see one at the moment.”
Always drag out the suspense for as long as possible, till they can’t
take it anymore. I gave her a key and
she quickly unlocked the first door as I loomed behind her in anticipation.
“A
torture chamber!”
“Yes! Isn’t it delicious? Are you scared?”
“I love
you, Bluebeard!” Not quite an
appropriate response, but her pale face and trembling hands gave me the answer
I was looking for. This was going well,
I could see.
“Give me
the other keys!” she screeched. For effect, I “grudgingly” handed them over,
and we went through each room one by one.
Most were off-puttingly normal – in one of them, I finally gave her some
jewels that I had bought during our honeymoon, to give her a false sense of
security – but the last room was the coup de grâce: it was The Room That Must
Not Be Seen But Everyone Goes in Anyway.
I gave
her the last key: “Are you scared?”
“I love
you, Bluebeard!”
That was
getting a little tiresome. “On a scale
of 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest, what would you say your level of fear at
this moment is?”
“I love
you –”
“Ah,
forget it, just open the door!” Yes, I
was being unprofessional, but we had to keep up the momentum.
She
opened the door to reveal a room with three heads on a table.
“Who…
are… those?” She shakily pointed at
them.
“My dead wives!”
Sick, I know, even if they were just paper mache, but I feel that the
best way to counter slander is to shove it back in the gossips’ faces. It shows both that I have an intellectual
sense of irony and that I’m “in on the joke”.
“Aiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!” Judith ran out of the castle and stole my car
in her escape. She won’t get far: she
had to use the valet key, plus she forgot that I was holding her purse,
gentleman that I am.
I think this
test run went extremely well. With Judith's
ringing endorsement, I'm so excited for opening night!
