Story 14: LEAF WARS: Rakes! Vs.! Blowers!

               It was a balmy December 22 – the final leaves that had been clutching to their branches had been ripped off by high winds at last, and the bodies now blanketed the lawns, getting tracked in everywhere as they simultaneously smothered the hibernating grass.  These were almost-perfect conditions for the neighborhood’s annual LEAF WARS.

            As the contestants emerged from their home bases, they already were armed in their hats, coats, jeans, and special sneakers.  The coats were doffed later on as it became too unseasonably hot, but no one wanted be seen as the first weakling to do so.

            The gloves were selected and put on carefully by the amateurs – the serious players went sans.  The same applied for sunglasses and lip balm, all of which were potential impediments.

            Next was the selection of weaponry, wherein the true contest lay.  The unspoken debate raged over which was superior in efficiency, the rake or the blower.  Some argued that each item actually complimented the other – those some never won.  These were the same people who were satisfied with their scoopers, mini-rakes, dustpans, and a job well done.

            A hush fell over the street as each person sized up the enemies who lived closest to them.  Already, points were being added and deducted for leaves winding up lawns not featuring the originating tree; the number of trees on the property divided by the wind’s velocity times the amount of fencing; and how many children (their own and borrowed) enlisted to assist.  Those who used lawn service were disqualified.

            At the sound of a paper bag snapping open, they were off.  Blowers roared to life and rakes scraped the very skin off the ground.  The winner would be determined not by the number of bags filled (which could be fudged by not packing each to its utmost potential), but by whichever first had its lawn picked clean and the participants inside drinking hot cocoa or cider, after factoring in the aforementioned handicaps.

            Some devious blowers could offload a bit of their quantity by forcing leaves onto a neighbor’s property under the guise of a passing wind: this was extremely risky and rarely worked, as the referees were the neighborhood porch sitters and they see everything.

            The competition heats up when more bags are needed and a time-out is called while trips to the local home improvement store are made.  The remaining contestants spend this lost time glaring at each other and calculating whether there are any possible benefits to pile diving.

            Usually, the contest boils down to two sets of players of any combination (rake-rake, rake-blower, blower-blower).  As the calluses get the better of them, they frantically cut corners in removing each leaf and instead aim for 95% lawn greenage.  The winner signifies triumph by stapling the last bag shut, throwing the tool of choice into the air, and dashing inside to soak their hands in ice.  The second-place teams stops wherever it is and leaves (pun intended) the rest to Nature, since there is no point in continuing.

            The denuded trees continue to brew their next batch of colorful garbage, and the town prepares to implement curbside leaf vacuuming the following year.

Story 13: The Chef

Propping the cookbook open, the pages kept flopping over – she had to use the salt and pepper shakers as a paperweights.  She rummaged through the cabinets for the right pots, she took out all the measuring cups and spoons, she got out all the cutting boards, and she cleared the rest of the countertop – this meal had to be perfect.

The kitchen door opened.  “Hey, hon, about how long do you think –?”

“Patience, my love.”

“Right.”  He left.

She began the endless chopping, slicing, mincing, and dicing, all of which generated pretty much the same results.  With the sweat getting into her eyes and mixing with her onion-induced tears, she took a break to wash the mounting pile of dishes.

The kitchen door opened.  “So, what can we call this dish again?”

“A surprise.”

“OK.  I’ll go back to –”

“Please do.”  He left.

She was only on the first paragraph of the recipe and already was behind schedule.  How long does it take to boil a pot of water, anyway?  And then, would she have enough time to create the sauce before the potatoes were done cooking?  She had not mentally prepped enough and was paying for it in spades.

“I took out the salted butter?!  Son of a –”

“Hon, do you need any help?”

“Yes – could you parboil an egg and make a roux?”

“Uh….”

“Don’t make offers you don’t mean.”

The oven had been pre-heating for the past 30 minutes and the fresh herbs still had not been thoroughly plucked.  Why did human beings only have two hands and 10 fingers?  She took another break to sob in the corner while watching the soufflé to make sure it didn’t run over.  Then, she had to re-arrange bowls for the third time to make room to knead dough for the bread.

The kitchen door opened.  “Hon, I just wanted to let you know that it’s almost midnight –”

“GET OUT!”  A jar of pimientos sailed past his head and crashed in the dining room.  He went to clean it up as he breathed “Oh my God.”

The timer went off, the meat was ready, the vegetables were steamed.

“That’s it?  It’s all done?  It’s all done, ahahahahaha!”

From inside the kitchen: “Hope you’re all ready for gourmet cuisine!”  She came in carrying a tray full of bowls and casserole dishes, placed it in the middle of the table, and sat down heavily in her chair.  “Whoo!  ‘No Fuss Meals’, my foot!”

“Hon, this looks delicious.”  He ate a few bites.  “Can I make a suggestion?”

She froze in mid-garnish.

“Seeing as it’s just the two of us, it’s OK to just order a pizza once in awhile.  You don’t need to cook all this every night.”

She considered this for a moment.

           “Where’s the fun in that?”

Story 12: Sinister

I was driving to the store on a Sunday when I saw a postal service truck turn down a street.  It didn’t register until I observed again that it was a Sunday when I saw a postal service truck turn down a street.

The whole thing struck me as disproportionately ominous.  There probably was a above-board reason why there was a postal service truck driving around on a day when there is no mail delivery – I just couldn’t think of any.

Mail trucks need gas, too: was it looking for a gas station in a residential area?

Was it making an extra-special delivery that just could not wait another day?

Was one of the employees bringing the truck to another post office?

Did someone steal it?

I decided, against all reason, morals, and mores, to follow that truck, wherever it might lead.  If it led to a warehouse full of drug dealers and dead bodies, at least my curiosity would have been satisfied before I was horribly murdered.

As I stalkerishly drove after it, I thought of other humdrum things that are really disturbing when pondered over longer than the 0.5 seconds they take to cross through my mind.  For instance:

The sound of birds chirping long after the sun has set.  Shouldn’t they be sleeping?  The same applies to the sounds of geese honking as they migrate in the middle of the night.

The sight of children walking the roads during a school day.

Road kill that remains in the same spot for days.

E-mail error messages from accounts where the original message had not been sent.  If it failed to be delivered to those non-intended recipients, where else is this message going?

A phone calling you back to finish the message you had cut yourself off leaving.

When your pets memorize your schedule and know when to wait in the window, then scream at you when you come home late.

Left-handed people suddenly using their right hand for no good reason – ironically, even if only to not be thought of as sinistra.

The list goes on.

We traveled down street after street, with no end in sight.  I hung back a little so as not to make the tail too obvious, so I almost lost the truck when we came to a traffic light.  At that point, another car that had been hovering in our wake tried to get into the same lane where I was: all eight of our tires screeched on braking.

I got out of the car at the same time as the other driver and did a quick scan.  “No damage!”  I hurriedly ducked back in.

The other driver said, “It’s OK, I’m in a hurry, please let me go first and I’ll be out of your way!”

Panic made me blurt out the truth.  “You don’t understand – I’ve been following that truck and I can’t lose it!”

The other driver froze.  “I’ve been following it too, for an hour.  It hasn’t stopped yet.  I have to know –”

“Why is it out on a Sunday?!!” We both had the same thought.  At long last, I had found a kindred spirit.

As I settled back in my car, I said, “You’ve invested more time in this – go after it, and post somewhere online what the answer is!”

He got back into his car and yelled through an open window.  “I will!  I promise!  If I don’t make it, let the world know my story!”  He sped away on bald tires.

“Godspeed!”  I shouted after him.  I never saw him again. 

I drove back to the main road under a metaphorical cloud – I may never know where that truck was going, what it was doing, or why I cared so much when I had grocery shopping to do.

Some time later, I found this message posted online:

           “Just got out of jail for harassment of a postal employee.  Turns out the truck was making Sunday deliveries now that it’s the Christmas/Hanukkah season.  Well played, USPS – well played.”

Story 11: Walk for Life

            The feature story cut to the reporter on the scene, the only person at the event who is dressed in a suit.  He speaks with an English accent, which underscores his authority.

            Reporter: I am standing here in Seaview Towne, surrounded by, literally, tens of thousands of people, all gathered together for one purpose: the 757^th Walk to Kill Breast Cancer.  I cover this event multiple times each month, and I am always amazed at the dedication and support that this cause consistently generates.  The time, effort, and funds entailed truly are admirable.

            (He brings the cameraman to the registration booth)

Registrar: (To a Registrant) Good morning, thank you for supporting the Walk to Kill Breast Cancer.

            Registrant: (Pauses in handing over a check) Hold on – I thought this was the Walk to Kill Juvenile Diabetes?

            Registrar: I think that got moved to next week.

            Registrant: (Turns away muttering) Again with the stupid breast cancer, thinks it’s better than everybody else.

            Reporter: At the stage, we have the party D.J.s from a local radio station here to warm everyone up for the grand event.

            (The camera swings over to show the dancers exercising, then starting to strip; the image cuts to the Reporter, standing next to a Walker whose shirt is covered in decals)

            Reporter: I am standing here with a local resident who has broken all sorts of records with the staggering amount of money she has raised for this event: over $300,000 from 52 different sponsors.  Tell me, miss, how did you manage to raise so much money, virtually single-handedly?

            Walker: Well, my employer (Points to the top center decal on her shirt) wanted me to walk, so I said, “Sure”, and I kept telling people I was walking, and people kept asking me to walk for them for their jobs, so I said I’d walk for whoever’d give me money.  Woo-hoo!

            Reporter: I think it is fantastic that you were able to raise all that money to donate to such a worthy cause.

            Walker: (Blinks) Yes.  Donate.  All that money.  All that money….

            (Cut to a dog wearing a T-shirt and riding in a cart)

            Reporter: (Squatting for the interview) Tell me, Rover, how did you score such a sweet gig while everyone else here has to slog through the trenches, hm?

            Rover: Huff.

            (Starting pistol)

            Reporter: (Suddenly standing at the top of a fire engine’s ladder) And they’re off! (Watches for a few moments) Getting 20,000 people to fit through one entrance is a bit slowgoing, so let’s come back when they actually start walking, shall we?

            (Commercial break)

            Reporter: (On the ground) Hello, welcome back to our coverage of the Walk to Kill Breast Cancer.  The initial bottleneck at the start of the Walk has eased up, so the participants’ speed has advanced to zombie as they wind through the town.  They must traverse 5 km of the pre-established route, else the whole thing is meaningless.  I am now trespassing through private property to get a view of the front of the mob. 

(Cut to a boardwalk)

Reporter: As you can see behind me, some intrepid participants are utilizing the now-free beach to ease their claustrophobia, and one forward-thinking lad brought his own surfboard to advance in the event.  (Looks out at the ocean – the camera follows his gaze) Those waves may appear calm now, but I wouldn’t want to be here come winter, if you take my meaning. 

(He is overrun by walkers-turned-joggers; cut to the middle of the town)

Reporter: I am standing here at the last leg (Winks) of the Walk, and we seem to be missing half of our participants.  However, their donations have already been submitted, so the only thing lost is their own personal pride.  (Goes to a water station) The kind folks at a local supermarket have generously been supplying free water bottles to the walkers, and – ooh!  Lawn decorations at half off!  Johnny, quick, give me my wallet.

(Cut to the Finish Line)

Reporter: (With a garden gnome tucked under his arm) Ending where it all began, the Walk finishes in the same gathering place as where it commenced.  There are several hundred stragglers remaining who are now dodging traffic as we speak, since the roads have finally re-opened to automobiles.  Well, that concludes our coverage of the 757^th Walk to Kill Breast Cancer, and it appears to have been another smashing success.  I will sign off this report with one final shot of the many, many, many cars all struggling to leave town at the exact same time.  (He hops onto a helicopter)

(Cut to an aerial view of the lines of cars inching towards the town’s lone exit)

Reporter: This is Channel 12,345, reporting live, from the only way to travel.

Story 10: What Not to Put on Your Résumé, What Not to Say at the Interview

            The Supervisor looks up as her Assistant knocks on her office door.

            Assistant: Your 10:00 interview is here.

            Supervisor: Thank you, send him right in.

            After her Assistant leaves, the Supervisor pulls out a sheaf of papers stapled together and scans through them, a slight furrow in her brow.  She looks up again as her Assistant escorts the Applicant into the office and closes the door behind him.

            Supervisor: (Dropping the pages onto her desk, stands and shakes the Applicant’s hand) Hello, thank you for coming in this morning.

            Applicant: Oh, thank you for seeing me.  I really appreciate the opportunity to meet with you about the job.

            Supervisor: (Smiles and indicates the chair in front of her desk) Have a seat.  (They both sit in the appropriate chairs) Did anyone out there offer you something to drink?  Coffee, water?

            Applicant: Yes, she did – I’m good, thanks.

            Supervisor: All right, let’s begin, then.  (She picks up the stapled papers again) I must say, I found your résumé to be very impressive.

            Applicant: (Blushes) Thank you.

            Supervisor: As librarians, you know we have that hair-in-the-bun, shush-everyone image – stigma, really – that we always like to disprove to the public.  It’s especially encouraging when someone with experiences such as yours joins the profession.

            Applicant: (Laughs awkwardly)

            Supervisor: (Puts on a pair of glasses) I really just have a few questions on some items here.

            Applicant: Oh?!

            Supervisor: (Looks up momentarily) Between your bachelor’s and master’s degrees, you had a few positions in different fields.  For a year after college, you joined the Peace Corps – that’s very admirable.

            Applicant: Oh yeah, that – it wasn’t.

            Supervisor: Wasn’t what?

            Applicant: Admirable.  Of me, I mean.  I couldn’t find a real job and my life was pretty much garbage at that point, and I’d always heard that volunteering is good for self-esteem.  I really just wanted to surround myself with people worse off than I was, but when I got there I knew I was a fake.  I only stayed out of embarrassment.

            Supervisor: I’m sure you did some good while you were there.

            Applicant: (Shrugs) Eh.

            Supervisor: (Turns a page) Well, after you came back to the States, you went on to work at a car dealership.  Customer service experience, then?

            Applicant: Oh, actually I had thought that the employees could get free cars and I needed one.  Turned out they just get a discount.

            Supervisor: (Looks at the page) You were there for three years.

            Applicant: They had really good coffee.

            Supervisor: During that time you earned your master’s degree, then you have a bit of a gap between that and your next job.

            Applicant: I took some personal time off – family.

            Supervisor: Oh – I hope you don’t mind me asking, did you start a family?

            Applicant: No, I was burying family.  They just kept dying around then, back-to-back.

            Supervisor: Oh, I’m so sorry.

            Applicant: It’s OK – everybody dies, right? The funeral home started waiving fees after awhile, so it all worked out.

            Supervisor: (Clears her throat) I see you then moved on to work at a public library for about two years, during which you were summoned to – (Holds up the papers to the Applicant) am I reading this right? – a Congressional hearing?!

            Applicant: (Laughs) Oh, that has been the highlight of my career.  Although, (Whispers) I can't really talk about it.

            Supervisor: Was the hearing directly involving you?

            Applicant: Who knows?

            Supervisor: One last question – (Reading from the last paper) it says here that you have a personal Web site, but when I looked it up I saw that it distributes pirated movies.  Did I enter the address correctly?

            Applicant: You most certainly did.  I can you get you a special deal on one that hasn’t even come out in theaters yet, if you’d like.

            Supervisor: You do know that we take copyright law very seriously and infringement is to be avoided whenever possible?

            Applicant: It’s OK, it falls under fair use: I’m educating my customers on how to stick it to the man.

            Supervisor: Well, that about wraps this up.  (Stands and sticks out her hand) Thank you again for coming.

            Applicant: (Stands and shakes her hand) So, should I expect to hear from you within a week?

            Supervisor: Absolutely not.

            Applicant: Fair enough – could you give me advice on anything I could improve in the future, then?

            Supervisor: Yes: on your résumé, replace pretty much everything we talked about today with “Personal Time Off”.

Story 9: Amorous Peacocks and Posing Giraffes

              The zoo was open year-round, but that day was especially busy due to the influx of young.  Their herds scattered as they made strange noises, ate everything in sight, and disturbed the established residents.  There was comfort in knowing that, by 2:00 p.m., they would be corralled by their keepers and noisily shipped back to the elementary schools from which they came.

            Before entering the front gates, a main feature of the zoo was the peacocks.  They strolled by the guests, not actively begging for food but deigning to eat anything that just happens to be tossed in their direction.  The males were looking for dates, as evidenced by their full plumage out on display, those shameless hussies.  They would attempt to trap the females within a cage of their feathers, but the girls knew better and would not be fooled by these hookers.  They knew that the price – the responsibility of bearing and raising babies – was much too high.

            Admission was a suggested donation of $15 – anything lower would be thrown back into the person’s face and a ranger would drive them off the property.  Parking was wherever a car could fit, with shuttle transport available for those parked past the mile point.

            One section of the zoo featured a replica of a savannah and included tourists on safari and poachers.  Those taking photos focused on the runway giraffe, a model who would pose for the audience so her fellow captives would not need to suffer the shame.  She strolled in front of the viewing platform, batting her eyes and swiveling her hips, then strolled back to the hay wain where she rested for two hours after her ordeal.  After she had had a baby, though, she smacked the cameras out of people’s hands with her head and brayed something that sounded very close to: “[Beep]ing paparazzi!”

            The reptile house had its own charms – the snakes in all varieties always sent a thrill up the spine, especially when one could see the shape of a small pig through the boa constrictor’s body.  The chameleons were a cheat, though: the zoo claimed they were so good at camouflage that no one could ever find them, when most people suspected that those displays actually had been empty of animate objects for years.

            The lions slept a lot in the back of their pens – roars would be heard, although they were at the same timbre, pitch, and duration on the hour, every hour.  One did attack the fence when a guest acted antagonistically toward him (the guest was subsequently put to sleep).

            The bears were a bit confused in their set-up.  The black bears were kept in the same area as the polar, and they all were expected to play together.  The black bears stayed in their trees, and the polar bears looked upon their inappropriate fake rocks and stream as solidarity with their brethren dealing with the melting Arctic.

            When exiting through the gift shop, the free-range cats herded the unwary to the black hole that is the animal shelter.  Once inside, few escape without a life companion or two, or five: the eyes get you every time.

Story 8: The Walking Tour de Towne

            When visiting London in all its Roman glory, do not leave it behind forever without doing at least one walking tour.  The guides know everything about everything, and it is great exercise before, during, or after high tea at Brown’s.

            The tour of Old Westminster meets below the local Underground sign.  The participants huddle in small groups, unsure whether they are all gathered for the same event or just looking to pick each other’s pockets.  The tour guide arrives in a hurry:

            Tour Guide: Right, who’s here for the Old Westminster Tour?  (Hands hold pamphlets into the air) There’s 20 of you?  Blast.  All right, 5 quid each, hand it over, come on, come on, come on!  (Collects the fee from everyone)

            Tourist: Are you sure you’re our guide?  You have an American accent.

           Tour Guide: You’re right, let me check: git.  Any other questions before we begin?  Right, (Sets her watch) we have exactly two hours starting now.  (Walks past the group, then turns) It’s your money we’re wasting: let’s move it!  (At the corner) Right, most of you should understand English no matter where you come from, but in case you panic, (Points to the traffic signal) the hand means “Stop” and the man means “Go”.  If you cross the road when you see the hand instead of the man and get hit by a car, then too bad for you.  And make sure you look to the right before crossing, since traffic’s on the left.

            Tourist: Why do they still drive on the left when most of the world drives on the right?

          Tour Guide: I don’t know, why do we still use feet and Fahrenheit when most of the world uses meters and Celsius?  Because it’s too blooming hard to change it all!  (The man appears and the group crosses unharmed) Right, (Points to Parliament) anyone know the name of that?

            Tour Group: Big Ben.

          Tour Guide: Wrong!  It’s St. Stephen’s Tower – Big Ben is the bell inside.  Impress your friends.  (They walk to a promenade on the water) This here is the Thames – a tidal river, if you can believe it.  Yes indeed: a whole lot of rubbish washes up on shore twice a day.

            Tourist: (Points) Is that the London Eye?

         Tour Guide: Yes, also known as the Eye-Sore, the Monstrosit-Eye, and, my personal favorite, Sauron.  You can see from the Eiffel Tower from the top of it.

            Tourist: Really?

            Tour Guide: No!

            Tourist: Rude.

            (They move on)

           Tour Guide: (Indicating a building) This was where some Roundhead offed some Royalist – (Sees two tourists have lagged behind) oi!  (To the main group) No one else move from this spot, if you value your lives.  (Runs to the stragglers) You can either keep up or be left behind to the natives.  I already have your money, and no one knows you’re here.  (Grabs their arms and shoves them back into the main group)

            (They walk down some streets and stop in front of an old building)

            Tour Guide: This is a bank.  It used to be a church, until it was desecrated.

            Tourist: Don’t you mean deconsecrated?

            Tour Guide: You heard me.

            (They walk down some more streets)

       Tour Guide: This is Downing Street.  Anyone know the most famous address here?  (Silence) Number… 10?  10 Downing Street?  If I said “1700 Pennsylvania Avenue”, would you know what that meant?  (Confused silence) I didn’t think so.  10 Downing Street is where the current Prime Minister resides.  Would anyone like to see it?  (Heads nod) Well, you can’t, because no one is allowed to see it; the guards at the beginning of the street would kill you.

            Tourist: How do the other people who live on this street get home?

            Tour Guide: There are no other people who live on this street.  The ones you see are fake.

            (The tour ends at Westminster Abbey)

            Tour Guide: Would anyone like to see Westminster Abbey?  (Heads nod) Just pay £40 at the door.

            Tourist: How come England never joined the E.U. and adopted the Euro?

            Tour Guide: You know the state of the Euro lately?  Exactly.  (Searching her pockets) Now, anyone got a ciggy?  (She is answered by blank stares) A cigarette?

            Tourist: (Pulls out one) I have some in my fanny pack.  (The Tour Guide slaps her)

            Tour Guide: Potty mouth.  Any questions?  Was anyone actually paying attention to any of this?  (She is answered by the sounds of cameras clicking at the surrounding buildings) `Kay, cheers.  (Walks into a open taxi and speeds off)

            Tourist: Does anyone know where we are?

            The sounds of dogs howling nearby close out the day.