Showing posts with label salt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label salt. Show all posts

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Story 219: Winter Woes of the Car Owner



            She got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.
            “Hi,” The Car said to her.
            “Huh?” she replied.
            “Listen,” The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if you get my drift.”
            “What?”
            “Look, neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”
            “What?!”
            “Right, I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’  Whatever.”
            She finally snapped out of her shock.  “I am not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”
            “That was over four years ago, darling.”
            “No it wasn’t!  It was – that summer when – last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”
            “Yes, time doth fly and all that.  Bottom line is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping up on the maximum limit right now.  Plus the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”
            “But the battery’s working just fine!  It’s working right now!  And while you’re insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”
            “Nothing’s stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”
            She agreed with that at least and began her work commute.  “But I don’t see why I should spend the money on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again.  “Nothing’s wrong with it!”
            The Car sighed through the vents.  “‘Nothing’s wrong with it’?  Do you even listen to me when you’re in here?!”
            “Of course I do!  You purr like a freaking kitten!”
            “I haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering, sputtering, and stalling lately.”
            “What, that one time?  Not going to the mechanic for that!”
            “Try 15 times.  In the past month.”
            “…Well, you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.  Outta my way, jerk!”  <BEEEEEP!>
            “Much as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally screaming at you in the face.”
            “I clearly don’t have time for this right now.  How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up and have this all straightened out then, hm?”
            “I’ll try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”
ONE WEEK LATER
            She got into her car and tried to start it.
            “Huh?”
            STUTTER – SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK
            “Oh no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the failed ignition.
            The Car could not remain silent.  “I told you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”
            “No-no-no-no-” she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless time-fillers.  “Why does this always happen when I have to go somewhere?”
           “That really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it?  To go somewhere?”
            “What am I going to do?!”  She banged her head against the steering wheel.
            “Your only actual option right now is to get me a new battery!  Twit.”
            “But it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”
            “Call for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”
            She got out of The Car and slammed the door.  “You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”
           “Likewise.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll also get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”