Story 358: The Flaw Highlighter

 

            (In an office’s conference room, two coworkers are the last ones to leave a meeting)

          Coworker 1: (Gathering papers from the table) I wish they’d just condense these things, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Starts texting) Yeah.

           Coworker 1: I mean, we just had three back-to-back meetings with the same topics spread out across all of them, you know, and they could’ve just had one big meeting and been done in a quarter of the time, you know?

            Coworker 2: Yeah.

            Coworker 1: I mean, really, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks at Coworker 1) Yes, I know, stop asking me, I get it!

            Coworker 1: Wow.  That was unnecessarily harsh.

           Coworker 2: I’m sorry, it’s just – like you said, we had three back-to-back redundant meetings so I’m already in a foul mood, and the verbal tics sent me over the edge but that was rude of me, I apologize.

            Coworker 1: What verbal tics?

            Coworker 2: Seriously?

            Coworker 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            Coworker 2: Huh, I guess you don’t, or else you wouldn’t do it.  It’s that you say “You know” a lot.  As in, all the time.

            Coworker 1: Really?  I guess it pops up occasionally, but you know –

            Coworker 2: (Points at Coworker 1) See!  You did it again!

            Coworker 1: (Eyes widen in horror) Oh my stars, I never realized….

          Coworker 2: (Starts to leave) It’s OK, but now that you know about it, you can take steps to knock it off.  Along with a few other things.

            Coworker 1: What few other things?!  How many annoying habits do I have?!

           Coworker 2: Well, there’s – never mind, I’ve gotta get back to my desk and try to answer 300 e-mails in five minutes, byeeee!  (Leaves)

            Coworker 1: (Sits slowly; in a small voice) How many annoying habits do I have?

            Coworker 3: (Pops up behind Coworker 1’s chair) Need a hand with that?

          Coworker 1: (Jumps in seat) Blazing supernovas, have you been here this whole time?!

          Coworker 3: It doesn’t matter – here.  (Hands over a card) Call this crew, they’ll help you out, byeeee!  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Stares at the card that reads “Flaw Highlighter: Where All Your Flaws Are Brought to Light, So You Can Take Steps to Knock Them Off”) Guess it couldn’t hurt to give them a call, you know – shoot!

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

           Coworker 2: (Enters office and passes by Coworker 1’s desk) Good mor – who on Earth is that?!

            Coworker 1: Oh, this is my Flaw Highlighter.  (Gestures to a figure seated next to Coworker 1) They’ll be shadowing me for the next few days to tell me when I keep repeating bad habits, annoying behaviors, that sort of thing, you know?

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on a clipboard) Phrase Repetition: 36^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Drat.  And it’s barely 8:00 in the morning.

            Coworker 2: You sure about this?  It could be a bit distracting to have this going on while you’re supposed to be working.

            Coworker 1: (Starts softly cracking knuckles) I figure it’ll be worth it if it helps me stop doing irritating things unconsciously.

         Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Item #17: Knuckle Cracking – first instance.

            Coworker 1: Huh?  (Looks at hands in mid-crack) No wonder they hurt randomly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits at a nearby desk) Well, let me know if you need anything.

            Coworker 1: Will do, heh-heh-heh!

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Nervous Laugh: 20^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Great, now it’s even annoying me, but it’s so hard to stop!

            Coworker 2: (Mutters to the computer monitor) This is gonna be a looooong day….

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

            Coworker 1: (On the desk phone) I can try looking that up for you – (Types and sucks on teeth) – I see, it was submitted at the end of last year.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Teeth Sucking: 13^th instance.

         Coworker 1: (Mushes lips together) Mm-hm…. Mm-hm…. (Begins cracking knuckles) Mm-hmmmm....

          Flaw Highlighter: (Gently taps Coworker 1’s hands with a pencil before making a notation on the clipboard) Seventh instance.

          Coworker 1: (Sits on hands) OK, I’ll keep looking for the other one, but I may not be able to send it to you until Monday, you know?  (Winces)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Even hundred.

            Coworker 1: Sure-thanks-bye!  (Releases hands to hang up the phone)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Phone etiquette is a bit rusty.

           Coworker 1: (Sinks head onto the desk) Can I stop having to interact with people for the rest of the day?

            Flaw Highlighter: No.  And you signed up with us for a month.

            Coworker 1: (Moans into the desk) Can I take a five-minute break from the surveillance, then?

           Flaw Highlighter: If you must.  A note will be placed in your file documenting this.  (Sets the clipboard and pencil down on the desk and freezes in place)

            Coworker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  (Walks to Coworker 2’s desk) Hey – got a minute?

            Coworker 2: (Looks up and takes off headphones) What’s up?  How’s the audit going?

            Coworker 1: Extremely well.

            Coworker 2: Excellent!

            Coworker 1: That’s why it needs to end now.

            Coworker 2: What?  Why?

            Coworker 1: Because everything I do and say is wrong!

            Coworker 2: No it isn’t!  Although that means what you just said was.

            Coworker 1: All right: everything I do and say is annoying!

            Coworker 2: Well….

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: Not everything.

            Coworker 1: I can’t even take myself anymore!  Can I quit me?!

           Coworker 2: Listen, so you’ve got a few obnoxious quirks, but really, so does everyone else in humanity!  You can try to work on some of them, but if you obsess over every little annoying part of yourself then you’ll only wind up making them worse and enjoying life even less than you are now.

            Coworker 1: I guess.

            Coworker 2: Good.  Now dismiss the voice in your head so you can get some actual work done today – if you don’t send me the updated slides by 4:00 then you’ll really be annoying.  (Puts the headphones back on)

           Coworker 1: Oh all right.  (Walks back to the desk; Flaw Highlighter reanimates and picks up the clipboard and pencil) Yeah, so, we’re done here.  You don’t need to come back, ever.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Stands) You still want the report, such as it is?

            Coworker 1: Nah, I got the gist of it.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Nods) No refunds.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk, looks at Coworker 2 who smiles and gives a thumbs-up, then looks off into the middle distance) Maybe I should’ve gotten the package that focused on my prejudice and immaturity instead.

Story 215: I Would Like to File for Divorce From Myself

            (In a courtroom)

            Judge: Assets to be divided 50/50, and may the two of you enjoy many years of wonderful friendship now that you no longer are bound to live with each other until death.

            Divorcee 1: Oh, we most certainly will, Your Honor!

            Divorcee 2: This is the happiest day of our lives!

            (They exit, holding hands and skipping)

            Judge: All right, next case. (Reads from a paper) Writ of divorce: the parties involved are Jane Doe and… Jane Doe?  (Two identical women approach the bench) I don’t get it, are you two… twins?

            Jane Doe 1: No, Your Honor, we are the same person.

            Judge: As in “two become one” and all that?

          Jane Doe 1: No, as in literally the same person.  (She hands Judge a packet of papers) My whole self made a special arrangement today to have our personality physically represented by the two distinct halves you see before you, because I would like to file for divorce from myself.

            Judge: (Reads papers while gnawing lip) This is highly irregular….

            Jane Doe 2: (A much messier version of Jane Doe 1) See!  Can’t be done, so you have to keep me!

            Jane Doe 1: I have to do no such thing.

            Judge: Well, I’ll start with the usual.  What are the grounds for the dissolution of this – union?

            Jane Doe 1: Oh, where to begin?!

            Jane Doe 2: Draaa-maaa!

            Jane Doe 1: (Grinds teeth at Jane Doe 2)

            Judge: Silence from the secondary party!  (To Jane Doe 1) Proceed.

           Jane Doe 1: Thank you, Your Honor.  Now, I have had to put up with plenty over the years: the undermining, the backstabbing, the nagging, the whining, the lack of ambition, the selfishness, the greed, the racism, the sexism, the ageism, the –

            Judge: Yes, we get it.

          Jane Doe 1: After decades of being trapped in this torture, I can bear it no longer.  The last straw was in getting me fired from a perfectly good job, again, just because she is a hot mess.

            Jane Doe 2: (Whips her unkempt hair around) You say that like it's a bad thing.

            Jane Doe 1: If she cannot get her act together after 30 years on this Earth, she never will – and I refuse, absolutely refuse to be dragged down with her for a moment longer.  Not one moment!

            Judge: I see.  (To Jane Doe 2) Rebuttal?

            Jane Doe 2: (Scratching herself all over) Nah, I’m good; she’s absolutely right.  Doesn’t mean she can just up and leave.

            Jane Doe 1: I can’t take you anymore!  You ruin everything and fail at life so badly!

Jane Doe 2: On the contrary: I fail at life so well.  If I was bad at failing, I’d be a success then, wouldn’t I?

Jane Doe 1: You see, Your Honor?  I’d be such a better person without her hanging around and messing me up!

          Jane Doe 2: That you would, but facts are facts and there’s no walking away from this (Gestures to her messy self).  Like it or lump it.

            Jane Doe 1: You realize that kind of attitude is what makes me want to KILL YOU!

           Judge: There’ll be no death threats against oneself in my courtroom!  Although I have to admit, Jane Doe 2, you are rather an annoying self-perpetuating burden.

            Jane Doe 2: Eh, what can you do?

            Judge: So, in this case, there is only one verdict that I can render.

            Jane Doe 1: Oh thank you so much, Your Honor!

            Judge: You spoke too soon: I am denying your writ.  You’re stuck with each other forever.

            Jane Doe 1: (Sound of jaw falling)

            Jane Doe 2: Heh-heh-heh.

            Jane Doe 1: This is a blatant miscarriage of justice!  Your Honor!

           Judge: Oh calm down – the fact is that it is beyond the realm of known science to permanently rend you two asunder when you're actually the same person.  And even if I had that power, there wouldn’t be enough left in either one of you to make a complete human being!  So no: no divorce, make this disaster work, and get out of my sight before I start realizing that you’re freaks of nature and shouldn’t even exist in this state.

            Jane Doe 1: Ooh, this isn’t fair!  I’d have been a billionaire by now if she wasn’t around!

            Jane Doe 2: Yeah, your life would be pretty sweet and perfect.  Guess that’s why I’m here.