(In
a courtroom)
Judge:
Assets to be divided 50/50, and may the two of you enjoy many years of
wonderful friendship now that you no longer are bound to live with each other
until death.
Divorcee
1: Oh, we most certainly will, Your Honor!
Divorcee
2: This is the happiest day of our lives!
(They
exit, holding hands and skipping)
Judge:
All right, next case. (Reads from a paper) Writ of divorce: the parties
involved are Jane Doe and… Jane Doe?
(Two identical women approach the bench) I don’t get it, are you two…
twins?
Jane
Doe 1: No, Your Honor, we are the same person.
Judge:
As in “two become one” and all that?
Jane
Doe 1: No, as in literally the same person.
(She hands Judge a packet of papers) My whole self made a special arrangement
today to have our personality physically represented by the two distinct halves
you see before you, because I would like to file for divorce from myself.
Judge:
(Reads papers while gnawing lip) This is highly irregular….
Jane
Doe 2: (A much messier version of Jane Doe 1) See! Can’t be done, so you have to keep me!
Jane
Doe 1: I have to do no such thing.
Judge:
Well, I’ll start with the usual. What
are the grounds for the dissolution of this – union?
Jane
Doe 1: Oh, where to begin?!
Jane
Doe 2: Draaa-maaa!
Jane
Doe 1: (Grinds teeth at Jane Doe 2)
Judge:
Silence from the secondary party! (To Jane
Doe 1) Proceed.
Jane
Doe 1: Thank you, Your Honor. Now, I
have had to put up with plenty over the years: the undermining, the backstabbing,
the nagging, the whining, the lack of ambition, the selfishness, the greed, the
racism, the sexism, the ageism, the –
Judge:
Yes, we get it.
Jane
Doe 1: After decades of being trapped in this torture, I can bear it no
longer. The last straw was in getting me
fired from a perfectly good job, again, just because she is a hot mess.
Jane
Doe 2: (Whips her unkempt hair around) You say that like it's a bad thing.
Jane
Doe 1: If she cannot get her act together after 30 years on this Earth, she
never will – and I refuse, absolutely refuse to be dragged down
with her for a moment longer. Not one moment!
Judge:
I see. (To Jane Doe 2) Rebuttal?
Jane
Doe 2: (Scratching herself all over) Nah, I’m good; she’s absolutely
right. Doesn’t mean she can just up and
leave.
Jane
Doe 1: I can’t take you anymore! You
ruin everything and fail at life so badly!
Jane Doe 2: On
the contrary: I fail at life so well. If
I was bad at failing, I’d be a success then, wouldn’t I?
Jane Doe 1: You
see, Your Honor? I’d be such a better
person without her hanging around and messing me up!
Jane
Doe 2: That you would, but facts are facts and there’s no walking away from
this (Gestures to her messy self). Like
it or lump it.
Jane
Doe 1: You realize that kind of attitude is what makes me want to KILL YOU!
Judge:
There’ll be no death threats against oneself in my courtroom! Although I have to admit, Jane Doe 2, you are
rather an annoying self-perpetuating burden.
Jane
Doe 2: Eh, what can you do?
Judge:
So, in this case, there is only one verdict that I can render.
Jane
Doe 1: Oh thank you so much, Your Honor!
Judge:
You spoke too soon: I am denying your writ.
You’re stuck with each other forever.
Jane
Doe 1: (Sound of jaw falling)
Jane
Doe 2: Heh-heh-heh.
Jane
Doe 1: This is a blatant miscarriage of justice! Your Honor!
Judge:
Oh calm down – the fact is that it is beyond the realm of known science to permanently
rend you two asunder when you're actually the same person. And even if I had that power, there wouldn’t
be enough left in either one of you to make a complete human being! So no: no divorce, make this disaster work,
and get out of my sight before I start realizing that you’re freaks of nature
and shouldn’t even exist in this state.
Jane
Doe 1: Ooh, this isn’t fair! I’d have
been a billionaire by now if she wasn’t around!
Jane
Doe 2: Yeah, your life would be pretty sweet and perfect. Guess that’s why I’m here.
