Story 426: Never Happy With the Weather

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Bundled up in a snowsuit, several wool hats, and mittens over gloves, and shivering while sipping a coffee; to Friend 2) Sorry, but this was a mistake: we should’ve just had coffee at our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: (Has coat, hat, and gloves draped over a chair and sips a hot cocoa relaxedly) You’re the one who wanted to “break hibernation” for something that wasn’t work.

Friend 1: (Ironically burns tongue) I know, and I thought I could handle the short bursts outdoors from apartment to car to here like usual, but outdoors decided to turn the air conditioning up to the max and not break single-digit Fahrenheit.  I look up at the distant sun in the crystal clear sky, and it laughs at me.

Friend 2: Heard we’re supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow.

Friend 1: I heard that as well, and chose to ignore that abomination.

Friend 2: Snow, ice, and high winds – might get two feet accumulation.

Friend 1: You sound suspiciously schadenfreudedly about that.

Friend 2: You make that up just now?

Friend 1: I took the German word for getting enjoyment out of other people’s misery, and English adverbed it.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not thrilled about the storm, I’m just finding the situation amusing because you were recently complaining that last month was too warm and the Earth needed winter.

Friend 1: The Earth does need it, but I don’t!  And I’ll be happy when we hit 90° again.  (Spills some of the coffee while shiveringly sipping it some more)

Friend 2: Uh-huh: give you six months.

 SUMMER

(At a public pool, swimmers are frolicking while Friend 1 and Friend 2 relax on nearby deck chairs)

Friend 1: (Wearing a cropped tank top and short shorts) This was a mistake –

Friend 2: (Wearing a loose cotton T-shirt, baggy shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat) Here we go.

Friend 1: We should’ve just stayed in our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: You said being by the water should cool us off; I thought you were going to suggest the beach with the off-shore breeze, but this is fine, too.

Friend 1: I thought having all this water around would cool us off by osmosis – clearly, I was mistaken!

Friend 2: (Gestures to the pool) Why don’t you just jump in, then?

Friend 1: What, you mean with all the people in there?

Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.

Friend 1: It doesn’t help that outdoors decided to turn the furnace up to the max and break triple-digits Fahrenheit.  I look up at the nearby sun in the hazy sky, and it melts my face off.

Friend 2: Just think, six months ago you would’ve wanted to be as overheated as you are now.

Friend 1: (Blinks at Friend 2) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 2: I’m sure you don’t.  Going in for a swim now.  (Removes layers for swimsuit underneath and jackknifes off the diving board into the pool)

Friend 1: (Drenched by the outer edges of the resulting splash) Oh, sweet tidal wave – how I’ve longed for ye.

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Wearing two snowsuits, barely able to move; voice is muffled by multiple hats and scarves) This was a mis-

Friend 2: Don’t even start.

 SPRING

(In a public park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are lounging in beach chairs under a shady tree)

Friend 1: (Breathes in contentedly as a warm breeze wafts through the air) Ahhhh….

Friend 2: Is this all right now, Goldilocks?

Friend 1: Hm?

Friend 2: Temp’s in the high 60s; mild to no wind; we don’t have to wear quilts or ice packs…?

Friend 1: Oh.  Yeah, you’re right: this is perfect.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Starts shifting around in the chair) Too perfect.

Friend 2: Theeeeere it is.

Story 220: It’s Not That Cold

THE PRESENT

Friend 1: You’re wearing shorts?!  It’s 50°F outside!

            Friend 2: What’s your point?

            Friend 1: It’s too cold for that lack of clothing to be appropriate!

            Friend 2: I’m celebrating the False Spring we are in the midst of right now.

            Friend 1: It’s really not that warm, and it’s going back down to 12° tomorrow.

            Friend 2: It’s all relative, if you recall the past few weeks.

            Friend 1: I guess….

THE WEEK BEFORE THAT

            Friend 2: The bomb cyclone is here!

           Friend 1: Would you knock that off?  Yes, we have achieved single digits, and yes, we all are transforming into icicles mid-step the moment we open the door, but really, people in the naturally wintry parts of the world are probably laughing at us as we flail around in our helplessness right now.

            Friend 2: How do you mean?

         Friend 1: I’d think that when sub-zero temperatures are your everyday reality, listening to anyone complain about being anywhere above that short-term must be a joke.

            Friend 2: It is literally freezing right now!

            Friend 1: And yet, it can always get colder.

THE WEEK BEFORE THAT

            Friend 2: Remember that polar vortex we had a few years ago?

            Friend 1: What’s left of my toes do, yes.

            Friend 2: Then say hello to this year’s equivalent: the bomb cyclone.

          Friend 1: That is a terrible name for a weather condition.  And it’s already 30°F – how much colder could it get?

            Friend 2: There’s plenty of room for that answer.

THE PRESENT

            Friend 1: All right, I’ll give you that it’s much warmer now, but you’re still wearing unhealthy attire, and right now it’s snowing in Florida!  Of all places!

            Friend 2: Then I will face the End Times in my luxuriously heated apartment, dreaming of the days not far behind and soon to come when we’ll be whining that it’s too hot and we’re all melting from the humidity.