“Come
in!” The Adviser called out in response to the knock on the door. The Client gingerly opened the door, quickly
took in the office, and slightly smiled.
“Have a seat!” The Adviser
gestured to the chair in front of the desk.
“Thanks,”
The Client said, sitting down and alternating between looking quickly at The
Adviser and staring at the floor.
“So,”
The Adviser began. “How did you hear
about us? Referral?”
“Actually,
I saw an ad online when I was, you know.”
The Adviser waited with raised eyebrows.
“Killing time waiting for the long night to finally end.”
“I
completely understand. And how can I
help you today?”
“Well,
the ad said your company can solve nearly all problems, which everyone knows is
impossible, so what’s the angle?”
“Exactly
what the name of our company is.” The
Adviser pointed to a sign on the wall that read “The Office of Proper
Perspective.” “We make you realize that your
problems are really not problems at all, once you apply The Proper Perspective.”
“Oh,
OK, I don’t know about that.”
“Let’s
start by you telling me what your problems are at this moment,” The Adviser
said while readying a pen and notebook. “Pretend
I’m someone you know really well, and just vent everything you can possibly
think of.”
“All
right.” The Client shift in the seat,
thinking for a moment. “So lately, I
feel like everything I do is wrong and I wish it would all be over.”
The
Adviser nodded, not looking up while taking notes. “Um-hm.
How so?”
“Well,
it’s all about work; I’m sure it’s always about work, right?” When there was no response, The Client
continued: “I’m in a dead-end job I don’t really care about, I can’t keep up
with the work, and a few weeks ago two people in my department simultaneously
quit so now I have all their work on top of all my work that, as
I mentioned two seconds ago, I can’t keep up with! So in essence, the work tripled while the
time remained the same – I swear those two made a pact to get revenge on us or
something – and no amount of money would ever make any of this worth it, since
I have no time or will to enjoy it!”
“Um-hm. Even if it were $1 million an hour?”
“Maybe
– only because then I could retire within a week.”
“OK. Anything else?”
“Any
– ! Isn’t this enough?! I’m going to have a heart attack and drop
dead at my desk, and nothing that I did will ever have mattered!”
“Um-hm.” The Adviser stopped writing and picked up the
notebook to read from. “In light of the information
you’ve given me, I’m going to ask you a few questions. Question 1: Are you in good health?”
“Well,
yes – ”
“Sub-question
1: Do you have full use of your faculties – physical, mental, and emotional?”
“Well,
yes – ”
“Question
2: Do you have an adequate number of still-living relatives, and/or do you have
decent relationships with the ones present?”
“Well,
yes – ”
“Question
3: Are you currently homeless, penniless, and/or loveless?”
“Well,
no – ”
“Question
4: Are you currently the plaintiff or defendant in a lawsuit?”
“Well,
no – ”
“Question
5: Are you currently the target of an obsessive stalker and/or other pervert?”
“No!”
“Question
6: Are your current co-workers and/or boss horrible trolls who make your days a
living Purgatory?”
“Well,
no, they’re pretty decent; it’s not their fault all this happened – ”
“Final
Question: Do you always have something to look forward to outside of your work
day?”
“Well,
yes, my family and friends – ”
The
Adviser set down the notebook and looked at The Client. “So.
Tell me how you feel about your problems now.”
The
Client squirmed a bit and mumbled: “I guess when you put it like that – ”
“I’m
sorry, what was that?”
“I
said, I get it!” The Client looked up
from the floor. “Whatever problems I
have are temporary and aren’t as bad as what I could have wrong with my
life. You’re right, and I feel slightly
better about the whole thing: is that it?”
“Lovely. You can pay the bill at the front desk – have
a nice day!” The Adviser waved at The
Client, who half-heartedly returned it on the way out the door.
Two
minutes later: “Come in!”
A
face popped in: “Is this ‘The Office of Hugs for Horrible Lives’?”
“That’s
back out in the hall, second door on the left.”
