Bailiff: (Addresses a full courtroom) All rise for the Honorable Judge Brain. (All rise)
Brain: Be seated. (All sit) Now, plaintiff, state your case.
Stomach: (Stands) Thank you, Your Honor. As representative of the organs of Body, I am filing a grievance against Tongue. (Points at Tongue, who is seated at the next table)
Stomach: (Takes a stroll around the courtroom as she speaks) Your Honor, for years, we organs have worked tirelessly, day and night, to keep Body running at optimum capacity. It is no secret that we are all in this together: if one of us falters, we all suffer. Yet time and again, we are constantly undermined by the same individual, who barely does any work yet reaps the same benefits afforded the rest of us.
Tongue: Objection! I start the digestion process.
Brain: Sustained – for now.
Stomach: I’m glad you brought that up, Tongue. You may start digestion, but you certainly do nothing to assist it afterwards. We in the gastrointestinal tract do all the heavy lifting, and for what?
Brain: Get to the point, Stomach.
Stomach: Oh, I am, Brain. The point is, we have to extract every ounce of nutrition we can find for everyone here to function properly, which is next to impossible with the junk Tongue literally forces down our Throat. (Stomach gestures at a table loaded with items labeled Exhibits A through Z). A quick glance at this so-called “food” that has been retrieved as evidence clearly demonstrates that we have been running on literal garbage for far too long, all due to Tongue’s unceasing desire for stuff that tastes good on his buds.
Tongue: Objection! Most of taste comes through smell!
Stomach: Nose has been named as co-defendant. (At the table next to Tongue, Nose slumps in shame)
Brain: Overruled. Stomach, where is the evidence of damage?
Stomach: Where is the evidence? Where to begin? I mention my ulcers purely for informational purposes: I will not dwell there. Intestines Large and Small are riddled with abscesses from all the wear and tear that has been inflicted on them by the unending assembly line of junk; Kidneys Right and Left are strained to the breaking point and one or both of them may not make it; Colon – (Stomach looks at Colon and shudders) not pretty; the list goes on and on. And in one example of collateral damage, Immune System has been steadily weakening to the point where just about any passerby is being allowed in – I fear that any and every bug out there will completely overwhelm us in the very near future.
Tongue: Objection! The only one I ever hear complaining about any of this is you, Stomach!
Stomach: I’m almost always the only one who can ever be heard! With all due respect, Brain, I’m the only one who anyone above the neck really listens to – aside from Lungs, but they have issues unrelated to this matter.
Left Lung: (Wheezing) Yeah, I don’t think we can get Tongue on the bronchitis, Stomach.
Stomach: Noted. To continue: I’m the voice for everyone else here because I’m the first one who can let you know when something’s been ingested that has no business being in us! The only other ones who have a real chance are all of Bowels, but they’re usually ignored once they’ve made their point!
Brain: Wrap it up, Stomach.
Stomach: We’re falling apart here, Brain! I think Esophagus may actually disintegrate if she takes on one more round of soda! And Heart! Don’t get me started on Heart! Gallons of fat, salt, and sugar have been forced through his chambers for decades, now look at him!
Heart: (A withered prune hunched over a cane) I don’t even know if I beat anymore.
Brain: That’s enough, Stomach! Tongue, what do you have to say for yourself?
Tongue: (Stands slowly) Only this: if I go down, I’m taking you with me, Brain.
(Gasps all around the courtroom)
Brain: (Shifts nervously in his chair) You’re bordering on contempt, Tongue: explain yourself.
Tongue: Oh, gladly. (He addresses the courtroom) My fellow organs: like you, I have no free will in all of this. All I do is for the good of Body (Stomach scoffs), but we all know who’s really in charge here.
Brain: Nose is your only co-defendant, Tongue.
Tongue: Nose is a patsy, just as I am. We both are victims – victims, I say – of your twisted whims, Brain! How do I know that chocolate tastes so good? I don’t decide that on my own – Brain tells me so. Who decides to have a third serving of pork chops with a side order of cracklings? Brain. Who says “More, please” to French fries, and “No, thank you” to Brussels sprouts? Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
Heart: I could have used some Brussels sprouts.
Tongue: (Comforts Heart while simultaneously gagging) We all could have used some Brussels sprouts, my friend. We all were betrayed by the very entity who should have been protecting us.
Stomach: I can’t believe that I didn’t realize this sooner!
(The organs begin to close in on Brain)
Brain: (Flinches back from the mob) I couldn’t help myself! All that delicious food!
Stomach: All taste; no substance! No value!
Immune System: Negative value, actually!
Heart: (Waves cane) Let’s get him!
Brain: Wait! (Processes some actions) There, that should solve everything. Case dismissed! (He bangs the gavel and runs out of the courtroom)
Stomach: What just happened? (The courtroom begins trembling) Oh no –
(The plaintiffs and defendants alike are washed away)
Body: I sure hope this cleanse works – I feel disgusting.