Announcer 1: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the First Annual Seaview Towne Miniature Golf Tournament. Our two contestants, Rodgers and Hart, each have had strong showings this year, hitting at or below par consistently on every miniature golf course in the tri-state area.
Announcer 2: You said it, and these two ladies are even more extraordinary in maintaining low scores no matter which course they are on, since, as you know, no two waterfalls or windmills are alike.
Announcer 1: Today’s tournament is being held at the Oceanfront Mini-Golf, Batting Cages, Racetrack, Jet Ski, and More Arena: For a world of sports fun, OMGBCRJSAMA literally has it all. Aaaaaand it looks like our contestants have arrived on the green.
(Two women select their colored balls and putters, pick up score cards and tiny pencils, and walk to the first hole. They are followed by their caddies, a referee, and a large group of spectators. A coin toss determines that Hart will putt first at Hole 1. After the shotgun start, each player putts and scores)
Announcer 1: Two holes-in-one at Hole #1! That must be some kind of record!
Announcer 2: Well, Hole 1 typically is the easiest hole on the course.
Announcer 1: Don’t ruin this for me.
(The contestants match each other stroke for stroke on the first four holes)
Announcer 2: Rodgers lines up her shot for Hole 5. It’s a tricky one: dogleg to the right, then around a Mother Goose to reach the hole in the back left corner – and look, Rodgers and Hart are stepping aside so that little girl and her parents can play through, what great mini-golf etiquette!
Announcer 1: They are good sports: I remember once being stuck behind a fivesome for all 18 holes, and not one of them made a shot under the six-stroke limit. Longest game of my life – almost gave up by Hole 3.
Announcer 2: (Hushed voice) And Rodgers lines up her shot again… she gauges the angles needed… putts… oh! (The crowd groans) So close, but not quite!
Announcer 1: And a slight modification to the rules, for those of you new to the game: each mini-golfer plays until their respective ball is sunk, rather than taking turns for each stroke. This lessens the chances of opponents’ balls knocking each other away.
Announcer 2: Yes, this isn’t bocce, folks.
(At Hole 9, Rodgers hits the ball hard enough to reach the hole at the top of a hill, but it then rolls down the other side into the nearby stream. She raises her arms in disbelief as her caddy rescues the ball with a net, then positions him to stand at the edge of the green to prevent the ball from rolling into the water again)
Announcer 1: Our first water hazard penalty of the game, and I believe the referee is notifying Rodgers that she will be penalized the additional stroke even if her ball is blocked from entering the water by the caddy.
Announcer 2: Yes, well, the caddy is not a natural part of the course, now is he?
(At Hole 12)
Announcer 1: Hart has an especially tricky shot here, with having to navigate through the rotating ducks, a sand trap, and a barrel to get to the hole on the far right.
Announcer 2: She’s judging the angles… the wind… there is dead silence on the course, aside from the crying babies… she putts… and she avoids all those obstacles by hitting the ball to the right side and sinking a hole-in-one!
(Hart turns to the camera baring her teeth in a wicked smile)
(At Hole 15)
Announcer 2: Rodgers, still struggling, could even the score with this shot if she makes par. (Rodgers taps the ball to the hole; the balls falls in and bounces right out again)
Announcer 1: And the referee declares it no good!
Announcer 2: I do have to side with Rodgers on this one; the ball did sink in the hole.
Announcer 1: I would agree, but the ball also has to stay in the hole. I wish I could tell Rodgers to save her breath: there is no arguing with referees.
Announcer: 2: Yes, the referee’s decision always stands. We’d never get anywhere otherwise.
(At Hole 17)
Announcer 1: Ah, here is one of those double holes, where the ball easily sinks in one hole, travels through a tunnel, then be must sunk for real in a second hole.
Announcer 2: The steep hill to the first hole doesn’t help: both contestants have taken at least three strokes each after their balls kept rolling back down to the tee.
(Rodgers finally sinks the ball in five strokes; Hart becomes increasingly frustrated as each putt keeps missing the hole. She reaches the six-stroke limit, and then drags the ball into the hole)
Announcer 1: Draggies usually aren’t permitted, but considering she already maxed out, the referee is ignoring it.
Announcer 2: Raw deal for Hart, on the penultimate hole of the game.
(At Hole 18)
Announcer 1: This is it, folks: the final hole in our tournament. Not only will this determine the championship, but sinking a hole-in-one on this also earns the player a free game. The odds of doing that on this hole are, well –
Announcer 2: A billion to 1: the hole is at the top of a mound off to the left – even putting at the best angle will only position the ball in the vicinity of the hole. No glory to be had here.
Announcer 1: Rodgers is lining up her shot – the referee is stopping her – oh, she had taken a driver from her bag. Only regulation putters may be used, I’m afraid.
Announcer 2: You can tell how difficult a shot this is by the desperate maneuver she just attempted. She takes the putter… calculates the angles… stares… stares… putts… (“Ohhh” from the crowd is heard) she misses the hole but makes it in two. (Applause as she turns in her putter and adds her scores)
Announcer 1: Silence falls again as Hart lines up her shot… sweat forms on her brow… she putts… and she nails it! I don’t believe it! It just fell right in!
Announcer 2: Rodgers can’t believe it either: she’s broken her pencil, but she’s conceding the match!
Announcer 1: The arena manager himself is hoisting Hart on his shoulders – balloons are flying everywhere – folks, this is history in the making!
Announcer 2: And that concludes the First Annual Seaview Towne Miniature Golf Tournament at Oceanfront Mini-Golf, Batting Cages, Racetrack, Jet Ski, and More Arena where, I have just been informed, we are all being offered a free ice cream sundae in honor of that never-before-seen hole-in-one on the 18th Hole. (Announcer 1 rips off his headphones, leaps from his seat, and runs to the ice cream parlor there) Thank you for joining us in this exciting event, and be sure to stay tuned for the Boardwalk Bumper Car Semi-Finals, up next.