Story 25: Lust at First Sight

            Their eyes met across the crowded room, both pairs desperately searching for happiness.  Once locked onto each other, they could not tear themselves away.  The eyes led, and the bodies followed: they met at last in front of the bar at the height of happy hour.

            There was just… something about him.

            She was beautiful in her loneliness – he knew she needed someone like him to take care of her.

            This was the real deal: this was true love.

          Each of their families disapproved of their moving in together the following day, but the blood relations just didn’t understand the magnetism, the chemistry, the biology, not even, most importantly, just how hot the other person was.  Sure, he was a bad boy; sure, she was a bad girl.  Each needed the other desperately - it was plain for all to see.  The rest would come some time later.

            SOME TIME LATER

            She saw the court order in the mail.

            “You pay alimony?!  You never told me you were married!”

            “You never asked.”

            “I never asked if you were a deadbeat either, but it seems that’s been answered, too.”

            “Which one is it?”

            “Which one what?”

            “Which wife.”

            “How many….?!”

            He held up three fingers.  She threw a plate at his head, which barely missed him in spite of her aim.

           “Wait, does separation still count as marriage or should that be considered divorce?  `Cause if it’s the latter –” He held up four fingers and received another plate.

            “I don’t believe this!”

            “Just a head’s up in case you also see this in the mail soon, maybe now’s a good time to mention my five kids – those checks’ve been a little behind, too.”

            “I can’t imagine why.”

            “Hey, you’re one to talk – what about all those stripper photos I saw posted of you, huh?”

            “You weren’t supposed to see those!  I was supporting myself through college!”

            “And I would applaud your entrepreneurial spirit, if it didn’t also involved B&E and grant theft auto.”

            “I thought those records were sealed!  You are such a hypocrite to throw those in my face – I was a kid!  Kids do stupid things!”

            “You were 35 years old, and it was last year.”

       “I thought you didn’t care about my past!  You said the past doesn’t matter, only our future, remember?”

           “Not if our future involves me being charged as an accessory after the fact!  I always knew you didn’t buy that van that's been sitting in the garage.”

            “I need wheels for my kitchen!”  She covered her mouth to retroactively take back what she said.

            “Oh, I knew it – you have a mobile meth lab!”

            “Don’t get all sanctimonious on me, Mr. Floating Poker Game!  I followed you one night and saw you’re both the organizer and the kneecap breaker!”

            “It cuts costs!”

            “And what’s with the offshore accounts you hid from me that’ve suddenly disappeared?”

            He started crying.  “So much money!”  He suddenly stopped.  “How’d you know about them?”
            “The IRS came calling this morning.  I said you were out, but, in good conscience, I don’t think I can keep lying for you.  The good news is, you’ll have your choice between federal prison and plain old prison.”

            “If you rat me out, I’ll rat you out!  And another thing – that ballet you dragged me to last Saturday was boring!”  She gasped in horror.  “How could you think I’d like it?”

            “I guess I was under the same delusion you were when you dragged me to that tennis match!”

            “You said later you liked it!”

            “It was boring!  Don’t you know me at all, John?!”

            “My name’s Brian.”