Thursday, December 7, 2017

Story 215: I Would Like to File for Divorce From Myself

            (In a courtroom)
            Judge: Assets to be divided 50/50, and may the two of you enjoy many years of wonderful friendship now that you no longer are bound to live with each other until death.
            Divorcee 1: Oh, we most certainly will, Your Honor!
            Divorcee 2: This is the happiest day of our lives!
            (They exit, holding hands and skipping)
            Judge: All right, next case. (Reads from a paper) Writ of divorce: the parties involved are Jane Doe and… Jane Doe?  (Two identical women approach the bench) I don’t get it, are you two… twins?
            Jane Doe 1: No, Your Honor, we are the same person.
            Judge: As in “two become one” and all that?
          Jane Doe 1: No, as in literally the same person.  (She hands Judge a packet of papers) My whole self made a special arrangement today to have our personality physically represented by the two distinct halves you see before you, because I would like to file for divorce from myself.
            Judge: (Reads papers while gnawing lip) This is highly irregular….
            Jane Doe 2: (A much messier version of Jane Doe 1) See!  Can’t be done, so you have to keep me!
            Jane Doe 1: I have to do no such thing.
            Judge: Well, I’ll start with the usual.  What are the grounds for the dissolution of this – union?
            Jane Doe 1: Oh, where to begin?!
            Jane Doe 2: Draaa-maaa!
            Jane Doe 1: (Grinds teeth at Jane Doe 2)
            Judge: Silence from the secondary party!  (To Jane Doe 1) Proceed.
           Jane Doe 1: Thank you, Your Honor.  Now, I have had to put up with plenty over the years: the undermining, the backstabbing, the nagging, the whining, the lack of ambition, the selfishness, the greed, the racism, the sexism, the ageism, the –
            Judge: Yes, we get it.
          Jane Doe 1: After decades of being trapped in this torture, I can bear it no longer.  The last straw was in getting me fired from a perfectly good job, again, just because she is a hot mess.
            Jane Doe 2: (Whips her unkempt hair around) You say that like it's a bad thing.
            Jane Doe 1: If she cannot get her act together after 30 years on this Earth, she never will – and I refuse, absolutely refuse to be dragged down with her for a moment longer.  Not one moment!
            Judge: I see.  (To Jane Doe 2) Rebuttal?
            Jane Doe 2: (Scratching herself all over) Nah, I’m good; she’s absolutely right.  Doesn’t mean she can just up and leave.
            Jane Doe 1: I can’t take you anymore!  You ruin everything and fail at life so badly!
Jane Doe 2: On the contrary: I fail at life so well.  If I was bad at failing, I’d be a success then, wouldn’t I?
Jane Doe 1: You see, Your Honor?  I’d be such a better person without her hanging around and messing me up!
          Jane Doe 2: That you would, but facts are facts and there’s no walking away from this (Gestures to her messy self).  Like it or lump it.
            Jane Doe 1: You realize that kind of attitude is what makes me want to KILL YOU!
           Judge: There’ll be no death threats against oneself in my courtroom!  Although I have to admit, Jane Doe 2, you are rather an annoying self-perpetuating burden.
            Jane Doe 2: Eh, what can you do?
            Judge: So, in this case, there is only one verdict that I can render.
            Jane Doe 1: Oh thank you so much, Your Honor!
            Judge: You spoke too soon: I am denying your writ.  You’re stuck with each other forever.
            Jane Doe 1: (Sound of jaw falling)
            Jane Doe 2: Heh-heh-heh.
            Jane Doe 1: This is a blatant miscarriage of justice!  Your Honor!
           Judge: Oh calm down – the fact is that it is beyond the realm of known science to permanently rend you two asunder when you're actually the same person.  And even if I had that power, there wouldn’t be enough left in either one of you to make a complete human being!  So no: no divorce, make this disaster work, and get out of my sight before I start realizing that you’re freaks of nature and shouldn’t even exist in this state.
            Jane Doe 1: Ooh, this isn’t fair!  I’d have been a billionaire by now if she wasn’t around!
            Jane Doe 2: Yeah, your life would be pretty sweet and perfect.  Guess that’s why I’m here.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Story 214: Epic Staph Party

            (Scene: Interior of the human body.  There is a microscopic tear in the skin, through which Staphylococcus peeks in)
            Staph: Hello?  Anybody?  Any-bodies?  (Echoes answer)  This is perfect: let the games begin.
            (In an infinitesimally brief amount of time, the entire interior is taken over by Staph and Co., who immediately trash the place)
           Staph: (On the phone, struggling to be heard over the blaring music and screaming party-goers) Nah, I think I’m going to lay off the reproduction for a bit – it’s nearing capacity here already and more guests keep showing up by the nanosecond.  (Doorbell rings) Speaking of which: gotta go!  (Hangs up and greets the newcomers at the non-healing skin tear) Streptococcus, you old rascal!  How’s life been treating you?
            Strep: Terribly, thank goodness.
            Both: Ahahahaha!
            Strep: Seriously, mind if I and my millions of relatives join you?
         Staph: Not at all!  Come right in, you can see nearly everyone who’s anyone is here: the Clostridia naturally had to stop by, and even the Escherichias made an appearance!
            The Escherichias: (Swinging from cell walls) Yippee!
          Strep: Wow, I love what you’ve done with the place.  Definitely the right environment, and full of food!
          Staph: (Chewing) Yeah, you really can’t beat the locale; best one I’ve seen in a long time.  That’s why I spread the word: I don’t mind sharing with you all – plenty to go around, feel free, help yourself, and all that.  We even let those guys over there stick around, isn’t that right, Antibodies?
            (Two Antibodies stand miserably in a corner)
            Staph: Look at them, so cute in their impotence.  (Everything starts getting very hot and the party momentarily stops)  Oh, oh, hold on everyone, our host thinks we’re a virus again!  (Everything soon returns to 98.6°F)  As you were, my lovelies!  (The party resumes)
            Antibody 1: (To Antibody 2) Should I try calling Brain again?
            Antibody 2: You can if you want, but obviously there’s a bit of a disconnect there.
           Antibody 1: Yeah, but if we keep at it then Subconscious has got to eventually tell Conscious what’s going on down here, right?
            Antibody 2: Has it?!
            (A random Cold Pill rushes in at full charge; Antibody 2 holds it back)
            Antibody 2: Don’t even bother.
            Cold Pill: But I must!  It is my sole purpose on this planet!  (Rushes Staph and bounces right off)
            Staph: You’re so cute, too.
(Cold Pill dissolves, purpose unfulfilled; the party rages on)
Meningococcus: The keg’s set up!
            Staph: Perfect!  (They proceed to tap it) So really, if the hosts really thought about where we are all over and all throughout their bodies, I think their heads would literally explode, the poor darlings.
            Meningococcus: I couldn’t agree more.  (Offers a cup) Care for some amino acids?
            Staph: Love to.  (Chugs)
            (From a random area, Antibiotic bursts through the partygoers; Staph spit-takes.  Antibodies 1 and 2 jump up from playing cards off to the side)
            Antibody 2: (Shouts upward) It’s about time!
         Antibiotic: Listen up, punks, this party’s over – FOREVER!  I am shutting this infestation down!
            Bacteria: Boo!
          Staph: All right, everyone, you heard the pill; you can all pus out now.  (To Antibiotic) You may have evicted us this round, but you’ve been used on me one too many times, pal!  Next time we meet, you may the one who’s given what for!  And I am not cleaning this mess up.  (Puses out)
            Antibody 1: Is that true?  Can they really defeat you next time?
           Antibiotic: Oh, probably.  Too much of me is not a good thing, and they certainly love to have a good infection.