Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Story 213: Thanksgiving E-mail Invite

Hi everybody!  You’re invited to our pre-Thanksgiving Dinner!
When: Sunday, November 19, at 1:00 p.m.
Where: Our House
Please let us know what you dish you’ll be bringing so there are no duplicates!

Guest 1
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Bringing my famous sweet potato pie!
            Host: Yummy!  Thanks!

Guest 2
Replied: Yes (4 guests)
Do the kids count as a dish? ;-)  Seriously, all I have the strength for is some pre-packaged fruit salad.
            Host: We’ll take it!  We’ll take anything!

Guest 3
Replied: No (0 guests)
Working.   ---- my life.
            Host: You’ll be missed!  We’ll save some leftovers for you!
            Guest 3: Sweet.

Guest 4
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
Was going to bring sweet potato pie, now I’ve got nuthin’.
            Host: Could you bring a turkey? :-)
            Guest 4: Guess I can whip up some cranberry sauce.

Guest 5
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Also was going to bring sweet potato pie – would french fries be all right?
            Host: Are you being serious?
            Guest 5: Yes.
            Host: Then no.
            Guest 5: How about potato chips?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 5: I’ll bring hash browns.

Guest 6
Replied: No (Changed from Yes)
Planned on coming, but now my relatives are flying in that weekend.
            Host: They can come too!
            Guest 6: You really don’t want that.
            Host: Yeah, that would be awkward.  For everybody.

Guest 7
Replied: Yes (3 guests)
Dibs on sweet potato pie!
            Host: Honey, that was the first one taken.
            Guest 7: Oh, missed that.  You want regular potato pie?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 7: We’ll bring brownies.

Guest 8
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
We’re coming!  What do you guys need us to bring?
            Host: How about a turkey? :-)
            Guest 8: Are you trying to tell us that you don’t have the turkey?
            Host: …Maybe.
            Guest 8: Let me get back to you.

Guest 9
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
I can bring a tofurkey if you want.
            Host: We’d rather you didn’t.
            Guest 9: Turducken?
            Host:  That creeps me out.
            Guest 9: How about half a chicken?
            Host: Just bring some wine, please.

Guest 10
Replied: Yes (2 guests)
Sweet potato pie!
            Host: The next person to suggest that is uninvited.
            Guest 10: Is that a “No” then?
            Host: Corn on the cob would be great.

Guest 11
Replied: Yes (5 guests)
We can bring desserts!  Apple pie, pumpkin pie, mincemeat pie, strawberry rhubarb pie, any pie!
            Guest 10: How about sweet potato? :-)
            Host: Does no one read the rest of the replies?!
            Guest 8: I do.  You guys don’t have a turkey.
            Host: Then bring one!
          Guest 8: Why are you hosting a Thanksgiving party when you don’t even have the main entrĂ©e?
            Host: We’re just providing the venue!  You guys provide the food!
            Guest 8: That only works in rental halls, not private residences.
            Guest 10: Wait, does this mean I can bring the you-know-what pie, then?
            Host: Go back to sleep.

Guest 12
Replied: Yes (1 guest)
I earned a free frozen turkey at the supermarket if you want it.
            Host: Thank you so much!
            Host: Soooo… does anyone know how to cook one of those things?
           Guest 8: I recommend that we just have a meal of sides and desserts – the turkey is immaterial.
          Host: Yes!  Thank you!  I can’t stand the pressure – this holiday is about the company and the warm feelings and the happiness, dagnabbit!  This will be the best pre-Thanksgiving ever or else!
            Guest 8: That’s the spirit.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Story 212: Fantasy Makes Reality More Bearable

            Moderator: Thank you all for joining me today on such short notice.  As indicated in my posting earlier, we have some serious work to do.
     Member 1: Yeah, there’s a ----load of ----ing work indeed to recover from that ----storm last night.
        Moderator: Not to belabor the point, but as mentioned previously that sort of language only gets you flagged and possibly all of us kicked off the system, so cut that stuff out.
     Member 2: Yeah, we’ve got enough to worry about without you messing it up even worse!  And don’t get me kicked off another one of these!
            Member 1: Sorry.
          Moderator: Aside from the wording, I agree with the sentiment: I am absolutely dislodged from my moorings after that appalling display the show put on last night, and I have no idea if they or any of us will ever recover from this.
     Member 3: I call a boycott!
        Moderator: Anyone second that?... Nope, the rest of us are just gluttons for punishment.  If you boycott, you boycott alone.
     Member 3: I withdraw the call.
       Moderator: Now, I have a few proposals that I came up with along with the ones you already submitted, so I will list those that seem to have the highest probability of success.  #1 Flood their inboxes with our complaints.
     Member 1: They never read those unless it’s awards season, and we’re not there yet.
          Moderator: Very well then.  #2 Post our issues all day, every day, everywhere, for the next three years at least.
     Member 3: Doesn’t that become white noise after awhile?
            Moderator: Not to the bots it doesn’t.  And finally, #3 Comfort ourselves with reading and creating new stories in fan fiction.
     Member 2: Ooh, I’m almost done with my new series – spoiler alert, it takes place in a timeline where ------ didn’t die.
       Moderator: Wow, that sounds AMAZING.  Too bad the writers didn’t think of that; it probably would have saved the whole show.
     Member 2: Are you being sarcastic?  I really can’t tell on this.
       Moderator: No, I was being sincere.  The show really jumped when they killed off ------ just because some VERY LOUD PEOPLE liked --- instead.
     Member 1: Ugh, I hate --- so much!  Which is sad, because I love the actor who plays him.  I don’t hate that guy, he’s cool; I just hate his character.  You know, I’ve been getting the odd feeling lately that he hates his character too – think we can enlist him to our cause?
          Moderator: Nah, he’ll be afraid that we’re just crazy and only send us autographed cast photos.  Going back to the fan fiction: let me know when your series is done, I’d like to read it when all else is bleak.
     Member 2: Thanks!  Maybe I’ll even self-publish it, or start a Web series on how this disaster might have been avoided.
        Member 3: What a lovely dream.
         Moderator: Sorry guys, gotta go – meeting starts in five minutes and I need to get this discussion off the screen before the Board sees it ;-).
     Member 1: Why care what they think?  Aren’t you the CEO?
        Moderator: True, but you must admit that this would be a tad embarrassing.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Story 211: Crashing an Outdoor Wedding

(Only partially inspired by actual events :-))

            (Scene: Chairs and decorations are arranged for a lovely wedding ceremony in a lovely park.  Ushers at the entrance of the main aisle hand out programs)
            Usher: Here you go.
            Guest: Does it matter which side I sit on?
            Usher: Nah, nobody cares about that – just not the front row, unless you happen to be a parent of one of the guests of honor, heh-heh.
            Guest: I am.
            Usher: Oh.  Front row, sorry, they just grabbed me to hand these out, I didn’t know what I was signing up for!
            Guest: Don’t trouble yourself, dearie.  (Sits in the front row)
           Usher: (Cringes at the sky, looks back at the approaching guests, and freezes at the next one) Uhhhhhh… program?
           Crasher: (Wearing sunglasses, T-shirt, shorts, and sneakers) Yes.  A program.  I would like one of those, please.  I am very happy for this couple, both of whom I have known for years and years.
            Usher: Okey-dokey, here you go.  (Gingerly hands one to the Crasher) You can sit anywhere – except the front row!
            Crasher: Out of respect for my fellow guests, I will remain in the back corner and slightly behind this tree.  (Sits there)
            (During the ceremony)
            Minister: And we join these two in matrimony, in the presence of their love ones, two best friends who found each other and now pledge their lives to one another, in sickness and in health –
           Crasher: (Wails) This is so beautiful!  I believe in you!  (Everyone stares) Continue.
            (During the reception)
            Best Man: (Making his toast) Now, I’m not one for speeches –
            Crasher: Hear, hear!  (Snaps photos of everyone, including the DJ)
            Best Man: – but here goes.  (Fifteen minutes later) I really can’t think of anything else to say; wait a minute, there was this one time when –
            Crasher: You’re killin’ us, man, turn back on the music!  (The music turns back on and the Best Man is overrun by guests returning to the dance floor)
            Maid of Honor: Yeah man, and thanks for ruining my speech!
            (At the dessert table)
            Crasher: (To a caterer, while loading up a plate of pastries) Got any beignets?
            Caterer: Not at this event.
            Crasher: No matter.  (Begins loading up a second plate)
           Guest: (To Crasher) Hello, I don’t remember you from either of the couple’s friends; did you happen to bring your invitation?
            Crasher: No, but I brought money.  (Walks to the gift table, uses one hand to whip out a roll of cash, and tosses bills into the fancy envelope-holder.  On walking past Guest on the way back to the main seating area) That should cover my plate; hey DJ, play the free-as-a-bird song!
            DJ: Again?
            (As the reception winds down)
            Guest: OK everyone, get your plastic swords of light to salute our couple!
            (They do so as the couple proceeds through the guests)
         Crasher: That’s right, you make a stand!  It’s you against the world now!  Don’t let the happiness die!  (Two security guards pick up Crasher and walk to the park entrance; from outside the park) It was totally worth it!
            Guest: Certainly not a dull night out, at any rate.